Ooh - insight. Maybe everyone else already realized this, but you tend to have “friends” of your same sex. If they’re jerks in your view, they don’t remain friends. However, your friend having an SO you don’t like doesn’t end a friendship.
Thus, you’re exposed to more couples in the long-term where you get along with your same sex, thus the opposite sex is ‘meaner.’
*please understand all typical caveats are implied regarding gay couples, cross-gender friendships, etc., that will mute the data somewhat, but I believe still leave us with a ‘truism.’
This is not the way I wish it were. This is what I have seen, on average. As I said above, maybe more data will contradict what I have observed.
In any case, do you know many cases of less educated couples where the man was dragged around by their balls by his wife? Also do you know of many cases of well-educated couples where the husband beat the wife?
I’m not saying the above does not happen, but it has not been my experience, and it would be informative if people mentioned cases they are aware of that contradict the above.
Department of Justice report from 2001
There are people from all income levels (and all genders, too) who physically abuse their partners. Money does not make the problem go away (though it may make it easier to hide.)
I wasn’t talking about money, but about educationl level.
This document shows that the higher the education level of the woman (which I assume correllates with a high education level for the husband), the less likely it was that she suffered physical abuse.
Most likely not because of some inherent class difference, but because women with an education have a better chance of escaping and making a better life for themselves. Many women in abusive relationships stay because they don’t see a way to support themselves, keep their kids, not be homeless, etc. It’s hard for someone in the middle class to comprehend how bleak life can be without an education, but sometimes being hit seems like a better option that being homeless, at risk, and without your family.
I wouldn’t trust class judgments coming out of India if it was my own brother. Money still buys silence there- getting people arrested or unarrested can look like an eBay auction.
There was a time in America, too, where sexual abuse never occured in the upper classes and everyone looked down there noses at the lower classes who acted like little more than animals. Then the media got a little tougher, the labor movement happened, and we discovered there are bad people all over the spectrum.
My aunt Mary separated from my uncle last year. He’s spent all of their marriage (and, I’m told, much of their courtship) demeaning her “in front of relatives and strangers”. She finally realized it was a root cause to the depression she’s had these last years.
Just anecdotally I find that one big difference between me and my wife is that I’ll usually accede to whatever whine, protest, or complaint she’s got going on at the moment. But if I have any beef with her, she’ll fight back to the death about why it isn’t legitimate because I’m usually the one at fault, if necessary wheeling out the old warhorse of “What You Said About My Jeans 8 Years Ago When We Were Dating.” It’s rather childish now that I think about it.
My husband is very easy going among our friends. At work, he’s far from easy going. One of his assistants asked me one day if my two daughters were intimidated by their father. Ha! Little does she know that he’s a pussy cat at home.
If you were one of my friends, you’d probably think that my husband was a peach. Because he is, at home. Why not? When we have a party, his job is to hand out drinks and be merry. My “job,” on the other hand, is to clean the house, buy the food and drinks, prepare the four course meal, get myself looking good AND get the kids to the sitter. So it shouldn’t surprise you if I’m a little more tense than my spouse. I’m at work.
While it may seem that the women in your social circle are “meaner” than their spouses, it may be because you’ve caught the men in a neutral setting. Go visit them at their source of power, their work, and I daresay you’d come back with an entirely different impression of them.
I see your point, but, no, I am talking about behavior in environments that are neutral to both (at a restaurant, at the beach, etc), so we are not in anyone’s “source of power”.
I can tell a bitch or an asshole when I see one.
In any case, as I said in the OP, I’m willing to concede (and prefer it if this was the explanation) that my experience is just a statistical anomaly from my limited sample, and that if you average over all couples, the effect evens out.
Just a couple thoughts, which I’m not wedded to, but find interesting.
There was an article I read one time about women’s & men’s power and why they aren’t more equal. One of the main points of the article was that men were more likely to form mentor-student relationships with each other. That is, an older man doesn’t automatically see a younger man as competition. He’s more likely to take him under his wing and pass on valuable experience & knowledge.
Women OTOH, were more likely to see each other as competition and scheme against each other. So we criticize the “good ol’ boy” network but really what women need to do is form their own “good ol’ gal” networks, and stop sabotaging each other.
Also, in our society a man generally gets more attractive the older he gets. More experience, more wealth, more power. He becomes a more & more attractive provider for your children.
Women OTOH, even though they’re also gaining experience, wealth & power, are perceived as “getting up there in years.”
So I can kinda see how women might have to more jealously guard what they’ve got and then be perceived as meaner than men, in general.