As a kid, I was raised with no religion at all, and really wanted some. I would grill my friends when they came home from CCD. I would say “Hail Marys” while hugging trees. Yes, really.
In high school, I began to seek more actively. I went to every church I could get anyone to take me to. Catholic, Lutheran, Methodist, Southern Baptist (Christ, that was scary. When the preacher started talking about hitting your wives and children with a stick to beat the Holy Spirit into them, I suspected I was in the wrong place. When the congregation murmured their approval and started nodding vigorously, I was certain I was in the wrong place.), Pentacostal (oddly, not as scary as the Southern Baptists), Unitarian (snooooooooooze). I didn’t have a synagogue in my town, but I did find a couple of Sedars to get invited to. I devoured books about Orthodox Judaism, Amish and Quakers, but there were none of them in my area I could talk to. This was before anyone knew anything about Islam in my world, or I would have sought them out, too.
I started an after school unsanctioned Choir with some of my fellow students, and we volunteered ourselves out to sing at local churches who didn’t have a choir. Attended lots of services that way, and very much enjoyed the experience.
I joined a Christian Youth Group that one of my friends was in. That’s when I really started praying seriously to Jesus to give me Faith. I wanted in the club. Not the youth group, but the club of religious persons. And there were a couple of times, while in the group or in a church, that I thought I’d gotten it. For fleeting moments, I’d feel a connection with…something… But then I’d leave and go back to having a big empty hole in my heart where I sensed The Divine belonged.
When I was around 21, I got my first tarot deck and was leafing through it at a coffee shop with a friend. I was whining to her about my troubles, and my growing belief that the God I was looking for was way bigger than Jesus. A man at the next table leaned over and said, “I’m sorry, I couldn’t help but overhear. Can I join you?”
He had left the Jesuit Seminary a few weeks earlier. He told me that he’d come to believe that Jehovah is just one of many gods, maybe the head god, and that he could pray to Jehovah and show him proper respect and worship in His house, but that He wasn’t the only manifestation of Divinity.
On my way home that night, I opened myself up with a very simple prayer: “If there’s anyone out there who wants to take me, I’m here.”
Like a bolt out of the blue, I was suddenly pinned to the ground by a very big, very female energy. She said, “I thought you’d never ask!” I’m not being metaphoric here. I heard the words like a person was saying them in my ear, but through both ears equally, like I was wearing headphones. It was a very big, very warm, very loving voice. I felt my body melting up and out. I can’t describe it any better than that. But I was moving upwards until I saw the tops of the trees below me, then the planet below me, then everything below and around me, and I felt warm and soft like melting butter. It was my first experience with true Communion. There are techniques that people teach to achieve this that I learned later in life, but this first time was entirely uncontrolled and out of my hands.
And that’s when I knew. I was Hers, not His. My bad.
I become a neopagan and studied with several different groups. When I learned more about how to intentionally connect with Divinity, I reached out for Jesus again. And I did connect with Him, and he smiled and told me that everything was okay. He said that I was the spiritual descendant of one of the other tribes mentioned in the Bible - not His tribe, and that was okay.
So…to answer your question. Yes, I was a non-believer, and I did pray really hard. And I did connect. And the answer, for me, was no. 