Because everyone KNOWS that marriage is supposed to be between A man and A woman and anything else is completely unacceptable and damaging to your family and society and will make your children into amoral sex-rags who pirate music and kill small pets and return their library books late.
</sarcasm>
Shit, all these years me thinking that what caused the fall of the Spanish Empire was bad management, and it was actually the fault of Charles V for introducing his bastard Juan de Austria to his heir Philip II!
You learn new things every day, I guess :can of :rolleyes: :
Yo yo, people. This is a thread asking an honest question to people in this situation. If you would rather learn what everyone’s pet theories on the end result of raising a child in a poly-family then frickin start a thread asking people to spout off whatever WAG of the day they have. But if you have any respect for people and for factual information, let this thread get the answers the OP was seeking.
Did you miss the second half of the paragraph, where I wrote this: “The other girl is totally and completely fine with it, as far as anyone can tell.”? Way to pick your data, there. I gave you two examples, one positive and one negative, and you fixate on the negative. That speaks volumes for your bias and your lack of reliability as a commentator.
I absolutely 100% agree. Now, since none of the four examples thus far given in this thread have been remotely like this, I have to wonder what your post is doing in this thread. Unless you have a specific example of a poly family who works like this you’d like to share with us? I’ll join you in lambasting them. Or does this come out of your diseased imagination, part of what “everyone knows”? Well, pardon me, but years ago “everyone knew” Negros were savage smelly beasts who raped white women for sport. I’d rather form my opinions on actual examples and information.
Well, he’s a stepparent, really. He was invited (by both of them, not just the woman) into the family as another parent. And, for what it’s worth, he’s done wonders with the girl, who used to be unbearable to be around. Her therapist has nothing but praise for his parenting skills.
I do understand what you’re saying, and of course if you aren’t OK with it, you wouldn’t have entered into such an arrangement. But I don’t see why it’s any different than the millions of stepparents resulting from remarriages after divorce. If you were divorced and your kid lived with another man, wouldn’t you expect him to keep her safe when you’re not around?
Safe? Absulutely. Disciplinary matters are another thing.
He isn’t a legal step-parent, is he? I, mean, they are not married, and the natural father is still in the home. A bit different from the millions of other step-parents you refer to.
I would deeply resent someone telling me what to do who more or less just came into my life with the status of ‘father.’ To me, this is where polyamorous arrangements become self-indulgent. If the children are unaffected, I say more power to 'em. That could be quite a large ‘if.’
Okay, I get this if we are talking about some random guy off the street, or a casual acquaintance. But there are other, more typical cases when the third adult joins a household and take on responsibilities with the children – such as a grandparent. In the situation described by WhyNot, there’s nothing that indicates that all three adults didn’t reach an understanding ahead of time about the scope and tone of child-raising that all three felt was appropriate, even if differing a little in moment to moment style.
A grandparent (oh, for example, my grandmother), might tell a child to clean up her toys about 2 minutes after they were left idle. My mother would usually give it about 20 minutes. When I was 6, I saw this as evidence of my grandmother being extremely strict. My parents’ view was that it didn’t matter if grandma said 2 minutes and mom would say 20 – what was required was that I listen to the adult in charge.
Now of course, some people might think this is different, because a grandparent has a traditional role that often includes child-rearing responsibilities. But there’s also a general acceptance of grandparents, especially live-in grandparents, having authority over children simply by the virture of their being responsible adults who demonstrate concern for the well-being of the children, and willingly take on the obligations of caregiver. Of course, I’m sure there are also parents who prefer that the grandparents have no active part in the raising of children, even if they are live-in. The point is that it works the best if all adults involved are on the same page. There’s no reason that this model can’t be extended to an adult in a non-traditional role.
I’m not really sure why I’m contributing to this thread, because I have no experience with polyamorous relationships. I guess I wanted to chime in as someone who doesn’t see anything inherently wrong with non-parental adults taking on these kinds of responsibilities.
I’m not sure I’d be happy with The New Guy disciplining my kid while I was standing right there, but babysitters, teachers, grandparents, and even neighbors have always disciplined other people’s kids when the parents aren’t around.
If The New Guy has moved into the home, they’ve agreed on rules the same way the family agreed on rules before he got there. I see nothing wrong with it if that’s what everyone signed up for.
Thank you, WhyNot and Lilairen. I’m not interested in a discussion of the ethics of polyamory. I’m interested in learning how parents deal with living in a family situation that, rightly or wrongly, is pretty far outside the norm for most people in the west.
What can I say maybe I’m a the glass is half full type of guy? You say the other girl is fine with it as far as anyone can tell That is not a positive example to me that is a neutral at best. Fine is not what I would call a glowing endorsement. Maybe the girl just doesn’t speak her mind. I wonder whether the parents even asked her how she felt about it. I believe the parents have the right to raise their kid that way if they wish I just personally don’t approve.
Yeah, but you could say the same thing about a stepdad. “My one daughter seems fine with him so far as anyone can tell.” Doesn’t mean that mom has to divorce the one guy.
Gah, I’m sorta splitting up the information between this thread and the Pit thread. Sorry about that. Here’s what I posted over there to address this same concern:
I’m almost sorry I brought up the older sister’s struggle, except that I’m commited to showing all the glasses - half full and half empty. Yeah, I’m sure for some kids it’s hard to be from a “weird” family. That’s one reason we’ve decided not to tell my son unless he asks. OTOH, this girl was an undiagnosed diabetic for a number of years, whose blood sugar was so wonky it fucked with her brain chemistry. She’s not a well kid, but she’s getting better. She will flip out and threaten to kill you (really, she means it) if you ask her to wash the dishes, so I don’t think that her problems with being in a poly family are entirely due to being in a poly family, if you know what I mean.
True but I think what WhyNot was missing is that I wasn’t really making a judgement call so much as I was saying I can understand why the child would be upset and was illustrating what her thought process might have been in that type of situation.
What?
Possibly but if they knew she had pre-existing issues maybe it wasn’t the best time to introduce new dad till those issues are solved, I can see how this could be stressful to a child who was already stressed.
That’s just it. The child did not sign up for it. Why did this father abdicate his reponsibility?
If it had happened to me I would have left home. It’s tough enough to be a teenager as it is. Now New Guy has moved into your house, is screwing your mother, and coming down harder on you than your father? The needs of the children should be foremost, IMHO.
This reads like you are describing a divorced mother who got remarried.
I really don’t understand where the “harm” to the children comes in. Monogamy is a relatively new concept in the course of human events. Many cultures still have polygamous relationships and the children do just fine. At what point did parental monogamy become essential to good emotional development?
How are they “damaged” if they grow up believing that love and sharing are the most important things? How does it hurt them to have a group of concerned adults raising them rather than just a mother and father who may be pressed for time? What’s the harm in up believing that sex is something that you share with those you care about and that you don’t have to be restricted to one partner if your SO feels the same way?
Children crave stability above all. Of course, having a parade of ever-changing boyfriends/girlfriends can be upsetting to the child, but I don’t understand how comitted relationships involving more than two people are the equivillent.
I think the problem is that some people can’t conceive of a committed relationship that is not monogomous. It feels like an oxymoron. We just don’t have many examples of such things in our books, movies or popular culture. Our parents and grandparents who had such relationships kept them secret (they didn’t have “open marriages”, they had the appearance of monogamy, defended at all cost, with secret “arrangements” or infidelity that was ignored), and people learn about relationships by example.
I can understand why it’s hard for some people to imagine, I really can. All I can do is explain my own relationship as openly and honestly as I can, so people have at least one example to learn from. Not that I think everyone should or could be poly. I don’t. But a committed poly relationship(s) is indeed a possibility, and I’d like people to become aware of that.
Except for the part where she is not divorced. And the father still lives there. And the New Guy is not married to her. It all fits except for that.
Well, since this is IMHO, I’ll give my ever so humble opinion.
To begin with, I’ve had a few friends whose parents were in polyamorous relationships throughout their entire childhood to adulthood. I’d say that, from what I saw, some parents handled the situation much better than others- most were like those in this thread, that went about what they were doing in the most responsible and stable manner possible. Of course, there was that one kid whose parents basically used “polyamorous” to descibe what broke down to just your basic swinger lifestyle. Frankly, I wouldn’t be surprised if in that latter example mom and dad were off doing drugs too- the signs were there.
In fairness though, I’d hardly say that that last example should be reflective of anyone in a polyamorous relationship. Those people would be bad parents if they were stuck in there unhappy marriage or even divorced. Bad parenting is bad parenting and sometimes that can’t be blamed on what mom and dad do in the bedroom (although, in some cases, that certainly might play a role).
Although, chrismeraz bringing up homosexuals with children really helped me solidify my opinions on this. My opinion might be a slightly controversial one, but I hope y’all remember it’s nothing more than just my opinion.
As I see it, the ideal for any child is a one mom-one dad home, where mom and dad are happy, in love, and in a truly healthy relationship. I think that environment has the possibility to teach the child about healthy relationships, gender roles, etc. and so forth. Realistically, that ain’t gunna happen. With over 50% of marriages ending in divorce (and a good chunk of the remainder ‘staying together for the kids’- ie tremendously unhappy), the vast majority of children simply aren’t going to grow up in that environment.
Sometimes there is a single parent. Obviously that isn’t the ideal because the child is surely losing out on something (even if there are others stepping in to fulfil that empty role- aunts, uncles, etc.). That said, having one parent that loves you is certainly better than never being loved or not living in a stable home.
Sometimes there isn’t a mom and dad. Sometimes the kid lives with grandma, which is also not the ideal. But again, living with grandma and having someone there to love you will always be better than not being loved or not having a stable home.
And sometimes a child is raised by two moms or two dads that either adopted them or brought them in from a previous relationship. Again, this isn’t the ideal one mom- one dad nuclear home, but having two people that love you more than anything and are willing to do anything for you- that means a lot. Sure, the kid might miss out on certain things in life (definitions of gender roles, etc-- of course, that might be filled in elsewhere along the lines) and sure, the kid might get made fun of in school. But, so what? That child can go home to a happy, loving, healthy home at night and that’s all that matters.
(FTR- I wouldn’t even attempt to number the above examples from best to worst. Other than the fact that I think happy and loving mom and dad is #1, I really couldn’t rationally and honestly rank the others).
After a bit of thought, I’d put the polyamorous couples in a similar place as all of the above. Sure, it’s not the ideal, but next to no kids live in the ideal (and even with that fact, plenty of people turn out just fine). Perhaps the kids might have an issue or two later; or maybe get made fun of later on. But, so what? That child has a gaggle of people that love him/her. So, even when that child has had a tough day at school, he/she can run up to any number of people at their house and sit down and talk. So long as the child isn’t being abused or deprived in some way, who cares? They are loved and that’s what really matters.
< / ramble >
The gay couple can point to a number of studies that indicate their children are just as well-adjusted as the children from a ‘traditional’ household (and, if anything, tend to be a little more tolerant); the poly family, I think, can only point at one.