The scorpion lobby has deep, deep pockets. Deep pockets full of scorpions.
There goes my script for a Snakes on a Plane sequel.
Be sure to mail it low-class.
(Elvis)
Return to sender
Address unknown
(Elvis)
I think only half is in there. I always check when I’m through and, so far, it’s always a single helix.
If you want to do this without being caught, then you need to keep your DNA and fingerprints away from it. You can get a ready supply of crap from the collection bins around municipal parks where dog-owners empty their ‘pooper-scoopers’.
There are smellier things than shit though, if your intention is disgust. Parcel some frozen durian, that is much less illegal and immoral but far smellier. You freeze it simply to stop it smelling in transit.
Yes, indeed (lowbrow, long)
(Pssst, that was Canadjun who said that, not me.)
I agree with the durian guy…or, find some food that looks and smells as bad as poo when it’s rotten, package it fresh and then just “forget” to mail it until it’s super nasty, then take that “shit” to the post office. If anyone catches you, just plead ignorance, say you were trying to make up by sending your old enemy a lovely piece of flan or some organic bananas…
True story:
A friend of mine and I had a job that we really hated in some store. The manager was some twenty-something tool who drove a “chopper” motorcycle to make himself feel like a big man. We hated him. We decided to get back at him by wiping a piece of shit on his motorcrycle seat. We had it all planned out, we were ready to execute the plan, and then my friend said, “What about DNA?”
“What?”
“DNA, man. They could track it back to me.” (he supplied the deuce in question)
“Can they do that with shit?”
“I think so.”
Sure enough, we found that they could and the plan was aborted. It never occured to us that we could have just found some dog shit somewhere, or something. We tried to hatch all manner of embarrassing revenge plots but eventually just gave up.
BTW, the friend in this incident was the same one who once got smacked in the face with a fake cock as described in this post:
http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showpost.php?p=12406341&postcount=17
I miss Gary.
Nah, I’ve tried everything from fish to cabbage, it has to be the king of fruits when you want nasal revenge. I’ve seen a factory empty in five minutes, and the smell lingers. It’s especially to unpleasant to westerners who haven’t smelled it previously. I think countries like Malaysia ban it from public transport and government offices, but it isn’t banned here. I have a poor sense of smell and find durian delicious to eat, so it makes an excellent weapon. It is smellier than stink bombs and you don’t have to wait until it rots like fish, in fact the smell diminshes when it rots. You know you are dealing with a foul smelling substance when rotting improves the fragrance.
I wouldn’t carry the fruit around with me though because it would count as an offensive weapon due to its spikes, people are killed by them falling.
I second the durian mailing idea. The hotel I stayed at had a “No durian” clause on the agreement when you sign for your room that they expressly pointed out. Appearantly if you take durian into your rom to eat and peel it or cut it up or however you prepare durian, the smell can get into the ventilation system and if caught, you’re resposible for the costs of cleaning or replacing the ventilation system. I wasn’t clear how legal it was, but then they had just caned that idiot for vandalizing all those cars and didn’t want to screw around with thier laws. Once I smelled durian, I realized there would never be a point where I would have it in my room, so the point was moot.
OK, I have to find some durian now. Anyone want to mail some to me?
For anyone else who’d never even heard of durian before, Wiki says:
*"The durian (pronounced /ˈdʊəriən/)[2] is the fruit of several tree species belonging to the genus Durio and the Malvaceae family[3][1] (although some taxonomists place Durio in a distinct family, Durionaceae[1]). Widely known and revered in southeast Asia as the “king of fruits”, the durian is distinctive for its large size, unique odour, and formidable thorn-covered husk. The fruit can grow as large as 30 centimetres (12 in) long and 15 centimetres (6 in) in diameter, and it typically weighs one to three kilograms (2 to 7 lb). Its shape ranges from oblong to round, the colour of its husk green to brown, and its flesh pale yellow to red, depending on the species.
The edible flesh emits a distinctive odour, strong and penetrating even when the husk is intact. Some people regard the durian as fragrant; others find the aroma overpowering and offensive. The smell evokes reactions from deep appreciation to intense disgust. The odour has led to the fruit’s banishment from certain hotels and public transportation in southeast Asia." *
<snip>
“Don’t poop in a bag and tell me it’s legal!”
No need, at least in Europe you can find it in frozen format in Chinese, or Malayasian or Indonesian stores. When it is in season then you can also find it in whole form, but for most uses the frozen stuff is fine.
Incidentally, you should make sure you can eat it, in case a judge ever asks you to. Hold your nose and chew and swallow, it’s actually pleasant which gives you an excuse for possessing it anywhere it isn’t banned. It isn’t banned anywhere in Europe or North America yet, just in places it grows or is consumed in quantity.
I work for a large courier company here in Canada, so while I can think of several ways to do this, I can also tell you several reasons why this is a bad idea. To start with, human waste is classified as a Dangerous Good, meaning the package must have the appropriate labels. Unmarked Dangerous Goods can mean HUNDREDS of THOUSANDS of DOLLARS in fines if you’re caught. Since the Dangerous Goods markings are international, the fines probably are as well.
Also, I’ve heard of people spitting on someone else being charged with assault. This could easily wind being classed as assault depending on laws in your jurisdiction. If your mail crosses state lines, this could become a federal offense. And in todays no-sense-of-ha-ha world, your victim could easily turn this into a case for Homeland Security.
Think long and hard if your target is worth the possible legal repercusions.
I’ve been to a post office where someone mailed a jar of garlic, and it apparantly broke open inside the box. Not sure how long it’d been at the post office, or why they hadn’t called in the bomb squad, but that place stunk for WEEKS.
Put it in a baggie and label it " Art ".
I am sure I have read about Ozzy Osbourne’s wife … Sharon? … bragging she mails her shit to her enemies. Wrapped up in nice little gift boxes.