Furniture Makers. Why is it that the only dresser drawers that you can actually fill the drawer of without the bottom falling out are over 50 years old? And once that bottom falls out of a dresser drawer, it will come out if you dare put two articles in it again. Is it that technically difficult? Make drawers that you can fill, darn it.
I’d like to have a word with my company’s sales reps. I’m not your secretary. I’m the IT geek who understands our contact management software and pulls data from it to do mailings, update year-to-date sales, etc. We are a bulk-mailer, therefore, we’re expected to have a basic knowledge of how to do things like address envelopes, etc. Therefore, when you check the box I set up which reads “Send newsletter”, make sure you actually have something resembling a valid address, such as a correctly spelled street, city, state, and zip code. When I download that list, if all I have for an address is “Univeristy Blvd” without a street number, city, state, or zip code, this is not a good thing. I’m a nice, professional person. I will try to look up the account in the phone book to see if there’s a similar address for the company in it, and I will correct the way you spelled “University”. If I can’t find it, however, I will pull that person’s name off the list and I will tell you why I did so. I understand that when you first talk to a potential client, you may want to check that box with the idea of filling in the address later. If you actually got the address later, I wouldn’t have a problem. If I had designed this software, and I have built good contact management software, I would have set it up so you can’t check a box which says you want to send someone something without a valid address. As it is, don’t check the box which says “Send newsletter” until you get an address. Also, *please * get your capitalization right. If a promotional mailing goes out to “jane doe”, I’m not the one who looks bad; you are. You represent my employer and your efforts ultimately pay my salary. I take pride in my work and in my company. Make us look good, please?
CJ
My SO’s most intolerable habit:
Every time he takes a drink of anything, he punctuates it with a loud, breathy “AAAAHHHHHH!”
Every.
Fucking
TIME!
I don’t understand it. It’s so fucking stupid and pointless and I can feel my blood pressure rise when I see him start to take a drink because I know what’s coming. I desperately want to mention it to him for the sake of my sanity and his life, but he’s so perfect in so many other ways, and Og knows he’s good to me, so telling him something like this seems petty and mean and would no doubt embarass him. Besides, “Annoying Habits” is probably a can better left unopened. 
Argh! I know so many people who do this because it “stops the drink going flat”. Cobblers. So many times have I explained that it in fact means more CO[sub]2[/sub] must be released in order to pressurise the bottle and reach equilibrium, but nooooo. Still with the squeezage. Reprobates, the lot of them.
Um…usually people add those extra words when speaking in general, so people know to distinguish the SEALs or Rangers from seafaring mammals and a Texas baseball team. Not because they think it’s the official title. Also, most civilians are not well versed in all things military. Give 'em a break.
Lighten up.
Fatigues is a general term for a combat or field uniform for any military service, so yes, you do wear fatigues. Do you honestly expect non-military personnel to know the abbreviations?
Wow. I mean, I say MPs, (or SPs on an AF installation). Do you yell at civilians who don’t have their shoes shined?
I can sympathize a bit, but I have to say: Don’t call me sergeant, I think for my living.
People that stand in line for 10 minutes, then debate what they are going to purchase when they get to the counter.
People that go to the laundry, load the machine (esp. the dryer), then leave them there for hours.
People that are defensive 100% of the time.
People that toss their used chewing gum where people walk.
People that don’t use their turn signals.
People that cough (esp. in restaurants) and don’t cover their mouth.
People that think doctors are gods.
Dear Furniture Makers:
I know that our bedroom set is twenty years old, but it is our set, and it all matches. The bed is The Greatest Bed In The World. However, the two dressers leave something to be desired.
I’m willing to live with that.
The dressers also underwent some abuse during my childhood, and one of the drawer pulls is broken. I can’t get a part that’s an exact match for it. That’s okay, though; I understand that you haven’t made this exact set in a long time, so I don’t expect it to match.
I’m willing to live with that, too.
One of the drawer slides, however, had died most spectacularly. And, apparently, compatible drawer slides don’t exist anymore. Now, granted, I’m sure that there have been great Leaps and Bounds in the exciting and cutting-edge industry of Making Things Go Slidey, but would it be too much to ask for new parts to be made? So that we can fix these, instead of having to buy a whole new set? Which, by the way, we wouldn’t be buying from you anyway.
I pit this godsdamned ass sucking couch which has me firmly in its grasp and refuses to let me go when I really ought to be doing something useful and/or calorie burning.
My youngest sister is getting married for the FIFTH FUCKING TIME! No, I do NOT want to drive 600 miles to witness this travesty nor do I owe you a present for it. Screw! Get some dignity.
Taxes are evil and those who collect them are hellspawn and doubtless spend their time sucking their own semen from the anuses of barnyard animals. What, all the jobs euthanizing cute kittens taken by the time you got to the job fair?
Speaking of cats–it is my DAY OFF! I don’t have to get up at 3am today, so get the fuck off my face and STOP PURRING AT 150 DECIBELS! Oh, and the running laps across the bed has gotta cease too.
Why does my car lose coolant when I’ve replaced all the hoses and there is no discernible visible leak in the cooling system and the pressure gauge thingy doesn’t show a pressure drop? Fucking cars… grrr…
Papa Murphy’s–you only offer the ambrosial barbecue chicken pizza in the summer, but then you come up with that addictive Sicilian style pan thingy which rocks out of all proportion and now I have to come in during the winter, too! Assholes! Especially the ones who try to charge me extra when I want peppers instead of the allergy making raw tomatoes you glop onto some of the special pizzas–look, it’s just dipping your hand into THIS vegetable bin instead of THAT bin, it shouldn’t be something you charge extra for–that’s just greedy.
Okay, this feels really good, I’d better stop before I grow hair on my palms… 
Dear Idiot Stupid Apartment Complex Manager Bitch -
The Assistant Manager from the Cottonmouths spoke with you personally four times last week, two of those times being on Friday. You assured him you would be in the Leasing Office at 9:00 Saturday morning so we could pick up the keys to the players apartments. We arrived at the leasing office at 9, and were informed that you never came in before 10. Yes, the man we spoke with knew where the keys were, but wouldn’t give them to us because “that’s her baby, and she would kill me”. When we went back to the office at 10, you still weren’t there. At 10:15 one of your co-workers called you and Suprise! You’re not coming in today! Why did you lie our office? Why did you cause us to have to make two trips to your office, with gas prices as high as they are? Why didn’t you tell someone at your office to give us the keys, instead of wasting our fucking time? We had borrowed a truck to haul the household good which had been in storage for the summer, and because of your fucking self-centered stupidity, the man driving the truck was late for another appointment. The players are arriving Monday, you cumdumpster, and now I have to get up at 0-god-thirty to go over there and finish what we didn’t get finished this weekend. And the reason we didn’t get finished is because keys to only 5 apartments were on your slime-covered desk. In case you were too busy getting fucked by a pit bull to remember, we leased 7 apartments.
If you didn’t want to come in on Saturday, fine. I don’t have a problem with that. Just don’t tell us you’re going to do something and not do it. We could have picked up the keys on Friday, but you assured our Asst. Coach - when he called back specifically to ask if 9 Saturday was ok with you - that you would be there to give us the keys at 9. You weren’t there, you reeking pile of shit.
We are volunteers from the Booster Club - we are not being paid for the time you fucking wasted. I want the two hours of my life back. I’m sure you won’t mind if I take it out of yours.
I just got a compass for my car today. In normal conditions, it works perfectly. The problem is, everywhere I put it in my car it gives a different reading. I’ve tried it everywhere; above the stereo, higher up on the dashboard, next to the display panel by the spedometer, hanging from the rear view mirror, or by the parking brake. Sometimes it’ll say north, sometimes west, east or south. At each point, the compass points to the same spot when I rotate it, but if I change the direction of the car it points in the same direction relative to the car! I’ve got this great compass (which I really need by the way, because I’m terribly disoriented) but I can’t use it because the car has a magnetic field for some reason!
[obvious joke]
That’s funny… you don’t look not Jewish
[/obvious joke]
It is ten in the morning in Saudi Arabia. The sign says (in Arabic and English) FOOD COURT OPEN. Is the food court open? No, it is not. We are in Week One of Ramadan. The food court will not open until about seven.
If the food court is not open, it ought not to have a sign saying the food court is open.
Safeway, why are you always out of Sweet potatoes? I have tried three different times, in three different weeks. I know there isn’t a nationwide shortage, because the Super Target and Wal-Mart have sweet potatoes at the same price they’ve always had them. But the Target is 40 minutes away, and I hate the Wal-mart with the burning fire of a thousand suns.
Butternut squash makes an aceptable substitute from time to time. But damnit, Safeway, stock some freaking sweet potatoes!
I hate you, P.S. Guard! I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU!!!
I have downloaded and run Ad Aware.
I have downloaded and run SpyBot.
I even shelled out $30 of my hard-earned money to download and run Spy Doctor.
They all say they have found and deleted you. At each reboot, you return.
I delete your files from the registry – all that I can. Because there are some that give me an error message when I try to delete them.
It is my sincere wish that whoever created you lives a miserable, thankless, joyless, short life.
Dear Coworkers,
If you use the last ream of paper, PUT THE BOX BY THE GARBAGE CAN.
If you use the last folder, THROW THE BOX AWAY.
If you use the last stirring straw, THROW THE BOX AWAY.
For god’s sake, does your mom work here? NO! Fucking act like an adult!
To the girl who just asked me if the door with the EXIT sign on it was the EXIT:
YES. THAT’S WHY IT SAYS EXIT. In fact, I made that sign so I’d stop having to answer that question twenty times a day and you have now defeated that purpose because YOU ARE DUMB.
This day is not good.
After a minute of looking through a bullshit file with a super common problem I have gone over like, a million times and I cannot believe anyone is stupid enough to continue to make…
Forget it. My coworkers are the dumbest bunch of mouthbreathers you’d ever have the misfortune to know.
It’s probably still too early to leave for the day.
ARGH!
Okay, I’ve now found the new ficticious R&D job I want!
Ninjachick you need to call your parents on Rosh Hassanah (sorry) and do a preemptive strike with a , " I just thought I would let you know that for the X consecutive year I have not gone to the synagoge. Thank you and have a nice day."
I would like to pit the mother who let her daughter that was supposedly no longer not contagious with some festering cold to contaminate my daughter and myself last week.
Your inconsiderateness and selfishness to say no to your nearly 5 year old kid has cost me two visits to the clinic ( one at 4am): $10 per co-pay and drugs ( I’ve lost the receipt since then, but about $45 dollars) not including the good aloe vero tissue, more OTC drugs for me and a few sympathy purchases on Ebay done during a haze of medically induced fog. Also, my daughter missed a session of Pee Wee Sports Camp and an entire sunday I spent sucking down Nyquil and trying to put myself into a coma until I am better.
You owe me at least $200 for a lost weekend.
Don’t even think that I am coming to your home party on Thursday. ( Unless I am still contagious…)
God damn Ardella V. Fucking Sidehamer, heaviest fucking 4-boat known to fucking mankind. Fucking idiots who rigged the boat and left a nut and washer off of the rigger so it could go bang, bang, bang against the side of the fucking Sidehamer for 8 FUCKING KILOMETERS. Fucking me for not touching my nuts at the launch. fucking Sidehamer and its fucking shoes that are too god fucking damn big for everyone on the whole team. fucking shoes that come undone every frickin 3 strokes. Stupid men’s team getting the GOOD 8 boat with shoes that actually velcro, and then breaking the skeg 4 fucking times, breaking an oar AND oarlock, and putting a dent in the side of the boat… GIVE IT TO US! WE’LL TREAT IT BETTER!
oh, and fucking St. Ignatius girls BREAKING THE LAST 6 INCHES off the bow of their beautiful boat… it was painful. it looked HORRIBLE… it made me cry inside… WHY DOES LPJ NOT GET NICE BOATS? instead we have to live with the SIDEHAMER. heaviest god damn boat known to mankind. It takes 6 GIRLS to carry this god damn 4.
I was just at Head of the Rock in Rockford IL racing. And whoever started that rumor that LPJ flipped… NO! WE DIDN’T! We were LATE. that’s IT. definitely did not flip. Considered it, yes. because then maybe we could RETIRE THE SIDEHAMER.
One more… Fucking wire in the 8 being broken and requiring major surgery… the Sidehamer only did one good thing this weekend, and that was contribute a plug for the novice girls’ 8 boat. Sidehamer doesn’t even HAVE speakers for the cox box, so we took the plug off to use on the altoid (not its real name) so it could have a FUNCTIONING FREAKING COX BOX AND WIRE.
Aaaaaaaaah that felt good.
I pit the fact that I can no longer eat spicy foods.
I used to love spicy food, was building my tolerence up.
Then I got married. She doesn’t like spicy food. Started to cook with less spice.
Now I can’t even order spicy chinese food. 