I pit the woman who outbid me by a dollar the Vera Bradley Purse I was bidding on on Ebay.
When you spill lemonade (it was an accident {!!}) on your friend’s 10 yr old little girl, some people get mad, others sticky.
People calling themselves christians can be nastier than those who don’t.
(I don’t mean noclueboy of course)
I pit myself for interpreting “I never thought of us that way” as “I really want to start dating you” and letting myself get all worked up again.
Have you seen the price of Atkins-friendly candy bars at GNC?
Upside down cake is near impossible to eat (Thanks, Newtown, you could of baked a right side up apple pie instead!)
There should be giant floating hands that travel around the country like the Goodyear blimp, administering large wet dope slaps to people who post the following on parenting message boards: “OMG!!!11 MY 2WK OLD BAYBIE SLEPP THRU NIGHTZ NOW DAT I PUT HER ON STOMACHE…I DONT NO Y DRS SAY PUT YR BAYBEE ON ITZ BACK!”
Please tell me that counts as one sentence. 
Fast food employees who get your order wrong should bring the right one to your home.
The New Jersey Turnpike should be wiped off the face of the Earth.
There is no God, and He hates me.
I pit my gloopy, separating nail polish.
Mother fucking Nature owes me big time.
I am so sick and tired of being sick and tired for an entire weekend. 
People who are grocery shopping, should SHOP, not congregate in the middle of the aisles GOSSIPINGF!!! :mad:
The Cubs - who raise up my hopes and then crush them, year after year after year after year after year after year after year after year after year after year after year ad nauseum.
It’s a bad idea to lend money to friends; asking for it back can easily ruin a friendship
People who are firmly convinced that what they think is good, from religious beliefs to favorite band, should be required as the opinion of every other human being.
I decided I hate kids, but it’s my job to like them (or at least for another 5 weeks).
When armageddon comes, the first person taking the plunge down to the Hell Motel better be whoever it was that decided you have to put a barking dog in the cargo bay of a plane, but its “illegal” to shove a screaming 2 year old back there.
Just because they repaved the road with smooth asphalt doesn’t mean the speed limit is now 15 mph faster, you cat-and-dog-and-child-and-chipmunk-safety-oblivious fuckfoots!