Post your memorable encounter with a brain-dead clerk.

Chefguy · September 4, 2003, 6:55pm

I went to a Sears store to find some Velcro strips, but was having no luck so collared a young (20s) woman and asked her if they carried it:

“You want what?”
“Velcro”
“I don’t know what that is.”
::speechless gape::
::small laugh:: “You don’t know what Velcro is?”
“No, what is it?”
“You know, that material with the hooks and loops that sticks together when you press it…?”
::blank look::
::trying again:: “You know…the stuff that makes a tearing sound when you open it…?”
“Ummmm…”
::one last try:: “They use it for coat cuffs, to close wallets, in place of laces on shoes, almost everything…?”
“Is it new?”
“Are you putting me on?”
“I don’t think we have it…what was it again?”
“Buh-bye, now.”

Can there be anyone on the planet other than the Dogon people of interior Mali who haven’t heard of this product, if not by name then at least by description?

Jodi · September 4, 2003, 7:39pm

What is this “velco” of which you speak?

TheLoadedDog · September 4, 2003, 8:31pm

These are like the famous restaurant line:

Was that Groucho?

Chefguy · September 4, 2003, 9:17pm

The most fun I ever had in a restaurant was in Bucharest, Romania. The waiter wasn’t being difficult; he was just trying to make the best of the situation. It went something like this:

Back in about 1991, three of us went into the hotel restaurant in Bucharest for dinner. We were the only ones in the place, which should have been a clue. Romania wasn’t far out of communist oppression, so many things were not yet available. Three waiters surrounded us and the conversation went thusly (in broken English):

“Hello Americans! You like eat?”
(general head nodding)
“What you like?”
“Steak”, says I, trying to keep it simple.
“No steak”, says the waiter.
“Oh…okay…what do you have?”
“We have everything; what you like?”
“Ummm…chicken?”
“No chicken.”
“No chicken?”
“No chicken.”
::more exasperated now:: “Okay…well what do you have?”
“We have everything; what you like?”
At this point, my sense of humor kicked in and I asked (in succession) for pheasant, elephant, and tiger tail.
To each, he dutifully replied “No (pheasant, elephant, tiger tail).” He obviously was just repeating what I said, understanding none of it. We left without eating.

Pammipoo · September 4, 2003, 11:30pm

I was at Shaw’s (grocery store) a few months ago, and remembered I needed computer paper. Found a pack of 500 sheets or so in the school supply section, went to pay for it. The lady tries to scan it, and it didn’t register for whatever reason…“Are you sure you bought this here?”

No, I picked it up at Target, and thought I’d bring it inside and pay again for shits and giggles…

store-clerk-slacker · September 5, 2003, 6:01am

As you can see by my name…I am indeed a cashier/clerk, and have been one, in one way or another for over 10 years. Mostly I have held a management position,but a cashier/clerk none the less.

I gotta say guys…cut us some slack will ya? We are not perfect. Our jobs ARE stressful, and we deal with soo many people in a day, that YES, they are just as “brain dead” as we get. I’ll be the first to say, that after working 12 hours, pushin the same buttons…asking the same questions over and over, dealing with people that are rude to you just because they think youre lowly as a cashier and too stupid to do anything else, making sure that all 10 gas pumps have no drive offs…watchin that shady guy in the back so he doesnt take my merchandise…grabbing the wrong half pint of booze, not understanding when you mumble that you want a pick 3 straight box and a poweball, and i mistake it as ill take the number 3 powerwash??? YES we get it wrong sometimes…lol…but you as the customer do too. And FYI you are not always right!! The person that said that needs to be shot…theyve just made my job harder, because as you stand there an talk down to me because I have made a mistake, I have to stand there an smile and apologize profusely, cuz GOD forbid does the company i work for want to loose your .93 cent purchase. And by the end of my 12 hour long shift ,of a 3 week span with no days off, I dont want to make small talk with you either, (but as company policy states
" Make every customer feel at home"), i want to go home and forget the horrible customers i had to deal with that day, and the countless people that think im “brain dead” because i DO repeat the amount of money you handed me, I DO ask how you are, and I DON’T always get it right. I’m human. For the record…I wouldnt trade my job for anything…the on have now is cake compared to what i have done…but still i get the “brain dead” customers…it comes with the job.

racinchikki · September 5, 2003, 6:43am

Dude, I am a store clerk too. That doesn’t mean I won’t laugh when other people say silly/stupid things, or that I won’t get mad when they do things that are incredibly stupid (like the girl Gunslinger told about, who gave us the wrong order without even pretending to care).

spogga · September 5, 2003, 6:44am

ME:: A postman
LADY:: Excuse me but how many letters did you deliver to me last Wednesday?
ME:: Surely you are kidding
LADY:: No, why should I
ME:: I’m sorry but I can’t even remember how many I delivered to you just now
LADY:: Why not
ME:: Well y’see they are all just bits of paper to me
LADY:: You mean you don’t count them
ME:: No, why should I
LADY:: Well then you’d know how many letters you delivered to everyone each day
ME:: Why would I want to know that
LADY:: So you could tell me how many letters you delivered to me last Wednesday]
ME:: Have a nice day, G’bye

Flutterby · September 5, 2003, 7:34am

TeaElle Some people do that up here too but there is no number to call when it happens unless you call and complain to a manager.

One lady I used to work with got away with around 20 dollars a night and up mainly by not ringing in to the till when anyone gave her exact change as well as usually keeping the coins but giving back bills. She worked there for 4 years getting away with almost an extra 5000$ per year. She never got fired despite the fact that all the people who worked night shift knew she was stealing and even the bosses kids (who worked there as well) had caught her. The reason she never got fired? Because they couldn’t ‘prove’ she was stealing. Despite cameras all over the place, especially in drive through and dumping a ton of change into her purse each morning in front of the managers. She eventually quit because she wasn’t getting a raise.

No one as far as I know made that much in tips legitimately at a Tim Horton’s. Some nights I could walk away with 10 bucks or so but that was because of a lot of nice drunks!

Spellbound · September 5, 2003, 10:21am

I shop every now and then at a discount store close to home for shampoos and things.
They don’t take credit cards, so you either have cash or write a check.
I make my own checks with a program, and sometimes the checks don’t go through the checkouts unless they’re manually typed in.
So knowing this ahead of time, the last time I shopped at this store, I told the girl at the checkout.
She stared at me blankly and ran the check through the automated reader. It just came right back out.
I smiled and nodded. That’s what it does.
She ran it through again. … I reminded her after the 5th time she tried to slide it through
that it needed to be punched in manually.
She tried 3 more times then turned on the little light that causes everyone behind you to glare.
A manager came.
" It won’t take her check" said the clerk.
I explained that it needed to be manually typed in. The manager glared at me and looked at my id against the check.
She ran it through the automated check reader. Three times.
Mind you, I’m getting a bit irritated and people in line are starting to say " She SAID you need to type it in manually"
Finally the clerk did and it was cleared.
She turned to me and said " Next time you come here, don’t use checks in this lane."
closes eyes and shakes head

PunditLisa · September 5, 2003, 1:12pm

Wonder why they didn’t simply report their suspicions to the police. You don’t need a videocamera to prove that someone is shorting on change. You don’t even need a reason to fire someone in an at-will job. The owners are compelled to protect their CUSTOMERS from thievery, for pete’s sake.

Okay, here’s my stupid clerk story. My friend and I went to MickeyD’s every day for lunch when we were seniors in h.s. (In retrospect, I should have sued them for that extra 15 pounds I gained that year…because everyone KNOWS that McD’s is healthy! But I digress.) Anyway, we ordered the same thing everyday so we’d take turns ordering/grabbing a table.

Me: “I’ll take 2 cheeseburgers, 2 small fries, and 2 medium cokes.”

Clerk: (punching various keys) “That will be $8.74.”

Me (Pause): “8.74?”

Clerk: “Yes.”

Me: “That can’t be right.”

Clerk: (Peers at the amount on the register.) “Nope. It says $8.74.”

Me: “Well, that’s not right.”

Clerk: (Points to the display with a disgusted look) “Lady, it SAYS $8.74 right there!”

Me: “Buddy, I KNOW what the register SAYS. I’m telling you that it doesn’t cost $8.74 for 2 cheeseburgers, 2 fries, and 2 cokes.”

Clerk: “Obviously it does.”

Me: (Calmly) “Look behind you at the sign. How much is a cheeseburger?”

Clerk: (sulking) “$.69.”

Me: “How much is a medium coke?”

Clerk: “$.79.”

Me: “How much is a small fry?”

Clerk: “.89.”

Me: “Less than $3?”

Clerk: “Yes.”

Me: “Now, if I ordered TWO of them, it would be less than $6.”

Clerk: “Yes.”

Me: “Then why are you charging me $8.74?”

Clerk: “Because that’s what the register SAYS I’m supposed to charge you.”

Me: (smiling) “Maybe you should ask for a manager.”

Qazzz · September 5, 2003, 1:45pm

Danceswithcats, is that a real place? The bunny place? Your post had me laughing so hard! Bunny-Butt cola!

And Lobsang, I love your smiley re-enactment of the ordering fiasco. You guys are too cute.

Knighted_Vorpal_Sword · September 5, 2003, 1:50pm

My car was stolen about 10 years ago, and was recovered a few days later on the other side of the city. The city had it towed to the impound lot. I went down to arrange for a tow truck to come and get it. I had to deal with the “clerk” sitting behind the bulletproof glass. As soon as I told him why I was there, he launched into a memorized 10 minute speech.

After he finished, I had to ask him about something or other. Instead of answering the question, he started the speech again.

I rephrased the question, and got the whole spiel again.

I finally gave up and waited until the tow truck driver showed up.

Eats_Crayons · September 5, 2003, 2:39pm

store-clerk-slacker Relax! This thread is about human foibles we all recognize. That’s why it’s a humourous thread that includes our own moments of “D’oh!” (as when I’ve said that working in a cafe I had plenty of zoned out moments where I’d say “here’s your coffee, sir” while handing someone an orange.) It’s a bit more sympathetic than I think you’re inferring.

Some of the threads reflect purely bad service, but most are just recognizing the phenomenally stupid things we all do when we’re running around repeating the same actions and saying the same things over, and over and over, to the point where we get a serious case of brain-cramps.

Many, many folks have had a clerk job at some point in their lives, so it’s not hard to relate.

That’s the reason that this thread is in MPSIMS instead of the Pit. It’s not a rant. We’re not ragging on clerks as much as revelling in the humour that happens when people are stuck in exhausting, mind-numbing jobs that can leave them flustered.

I mean, to have a very good friend stare you in the face and say “have a nice day, Ms. Crayons” without having any clue as to who you are is pretty funny.

Mm. Bunny-Butt Cola! Extra fizzy!

Knowed_Out · September 5, 2003, 3:11pm

How about a brain dead nurse?

Years ago, I donated blood at a college. They had patio lounge chairs laid out for all the donors instead of gurneys, and my nurse was this quaint plump little woman.

She makes small talk while inserting the needle. I’ve donated plenty of times before, so I’m pretty calm about it. This dingbat inserts the needle too far. It goes through my vein to the tissue underneath, and all the sudden my flesh swells up into this big blue bump.

I’m looking at it in horror. The nurse says quietly, “Oh my goodneth, I’ve got another hematoma.” She then places her finger on top of the blue bump, which is getting bigger. She doesn’t take the needle out. She calls for somebody named Sheila, but she does it in this quiet voice that’s like a kid who’s afraid he’s about to get in trouble with his parents.

[sub]“Theila? Oh, Theila?”[/sub]

The guy at the next couch says “Do you want me to get help?” She says “No, jutht cover your earth while I curthe.”

Finally the head nurse shows up, sends the dingbat away and takes the needle out of my arm and covers it up with a bandage. I’m no longer calm. I’m going crazy, laughing like a maniac, and shouting “What the fuck is going on here???” The head nurse keeps saying “Sir, calm down” like I’m the fuckup!

Haven’t given blood since.

Fionn · September 5, 2003, 3:19pm

I went to see Insomnia on a visit to my hometown. I hadn’t eaten dinner, so I planned to get some popcorn and a soda.

I bypassed the concession stand in the lobby because I knew there were a couple smaller stands in the wings of the theater. When I get to the concession stand closest to the screen I needed, I discover it’s been converted from typical movie snacks to things like pizza, bagels, cappucino, etc.

They do have nachos, and I’m in a hurry, so I decide it’s no big deal and change my order.
“Can I get an order of nachos?” I ask the two guys standing behind the counter.
“Okay,” the shorter one says, and this sparks a whispered conference that goes on for way the hell too long.
Maybe the cheese hasn’t melted yet, I muse as I wait. It’s the very start of the summer, so maybe they’ve just hired a new crop of workers. In any case, I want my nachos, I want to catch the previews, and I’d like to order a soda if and when either of them ever comes back over.
I keep waiting. I made nachos when I was eight and my mom let me help out at the concession stand at my brother’s baseball games, so I know full damn well it’s not a complicated process.
At long last, the shorter one comes over and I’m able to ask him for a cherry Coke.
The taller one finally goes over and plucks one of the little cardboard boats from the stack. He holds it up, looks at the shorter one, and asks “I put chips in this?”
“Forget it,” I said, handing over money for my soda and planning to go see if someone at the other stand would be bright enough to pour popcorn in a bag.

slipster · September 6, 2003, 12:20am

Years ago when I worked in a very large civil service office there was a very good supervisor (not mine, unfortunately), who made a running list of people’s “brain dead” moments, his own included.
This served two functions. First, he would pull it out and share it with an employee when they were kicking themselves for making a silly mistake to help them feel better. Second, it encouraged employees to cut down on acting brain dead.

A couple of examples I remember:

Elizabeth got on the freight elevator and pushed the button for the first floor. The elevator doors popped open. She pushed the button for the first floor again. The elevator doors popped open. She pushed the button a third time. The elevator doors popped open a third. Then it occured to her that she was already on the first floor.

Sue asked Jim what the abbreviation was for “the state of Carolina”. Jim thought about it for a while, then asked a couple of other people.

DeVena · September 6, 2003, 1:23am

Years ago, we decided to trade in our teal Saturn for a taupe mini-van. We agree on the price, and the salesman tells us to come back the next day to pick up the van.

So, next day, we clean out the Saturn (mostly) and take it to the dealership. Salesman tells us to leave the keys in the car. And we drive off in our happy van.

Monday, I get an blistering call from the Dealership Manager.

Mgr: Could you Pah-leez come down and unlock the blue Saturn WE now own?? And also, you must REMOVE your personal items.

Me: Ummm I think Hubby may still have the extra key, but we didn’t lock the doors. And we only left some paper in…

Mgr: Miss! I am looking in this blue Saturn RIGHT NOW! And there are NO keys in the ignition and is FULL of CDs and crap! You must come down here NOW. <click>

SOOOOooooo, to the dealer I go, getting Hubby on the way. Pull up and Manager meets us. “Please open this car! It has blocked the doors ALL WEEKEND”

“You mean that blue car? That’s not my car. My Saturn was teal - you know, blue-green?? Like the algae?”

“You left this car!!!” “Nope. We parked at the other door. That’s not my car… and that’s not my stuff. Check the VIN on the trade-in receipt.”

Turns out, some guy stole a Blue Saturn from a dealer in Jackson, MS - then traded out with my Teal Saturn in Montgomery. Which I had left the keys in, like a good little soldier. Nobody noticed anything. My trade-in was stolen within 15 minutes of us driving off in the van.

I wonder if that guy is still stealing Saturns and dropping the old ones off at dealers??

DeVena · September 6, 2003, 1:31am