I have done the following things in my life:
[ul][li]Walked through the streets of Waikiki alone and unescorted at pretty much every hour of the day and night, including 1 and 2 in the morning.[/li][li]Escorted men to their hotel rooms in Waikiki.[/li][li]Slept naked in a bed with a man I’ve had sex with before and would have sex with again and not had sex with him.[/li][li]Slow-danced with a man, feeling his erection pressing against me at a hotel and, later that evening, continued exchanging double entendres with him. About 6 weeks later, at a different hotel in a different city, I brought him back to my room when he had a headache and needed a break because he was staying in his RV which was parked some distance away. I hugged him, made sure he was all right, and left.[/li][li]Asked for a man I was attracted to to escort me back to my camp when I was slightly tipsy and continued to laugh and sing for a bit before going to bed alone.[/li][li]Gone to weekend parties alone at hotels where there have been some drinking and quite a bit of flirtation.[/li][li]Sat naked in a hot tub with several people including at least one with whom there’s been a certain amount of mutual attraction, laughing and talking, [/li][li]Travelled alone fairly extensively in Japan, England, and America.[/li][li]Caught the last bus home alone and walked from the bus stop home.[/li][li]Travelled through some rather bad neighborhoods in various cities.[/ul][/li]
I get the impression brickbacon thinks I would have deserved it if I’d been raped in any of these situations.
For the record, the stuff I mentioned in Waikiki happened when I was working as a tour escort in Japanese tourism. Part of my job description was checking people in and out of their hotel rooms and making sure their baggage got to the airport along with them. Because I lived in Waikiki, I tended to get the wee hours assignments. The men I mentioned sleeping naked with are men I was in relationships at the time. When I brought a man back to my room, it was at a Mensa event; when I was escorted back to my camp, it was at an SCA event. I’ve flirted and danced at both. As for the travelling, I’m single and I enjoy travel. While I do take reasonable precautions, I refuse to let myself be limited by fear.
Now, I admit I would not go back to a hotel room with a man who I thought was drunk and I tend to be careful around people who are drunk in general. Come one, I can think of a couple of people I won’t play Hearts with when they’re drunk. The reason for this is I know people who are drunk aren’t necessarily in control of themselves or their actions. In my book, that does not absolve them of responsibility for their actions, whether the action in question is acting obnoxious while playing Hearts, forcing someone to have sex with you, or agreeing to have sex with someone you ordinarily wouldn’t. One of the reasons I’ve never been completely drunk is I’ve seen the way people act when they are and I’ve no desire to act like that.
Here’s the thing. In the subcultures I socialize in, there is no expectation of sex from either of the sexes. As I mentioned earlier, there is one man I know of who’s been known to be behave objectionably around women; this is why women are very seldom left alone with him and a close watch is kept on him. He has been repeated called on his behaviour but, since he hasn’t changed in over a decade and it’s getting harder to believe he’s that clueless, other steps are taken. I suspect that if someone were to be raped at an event held by any of the three groups I’ve socialized with most over the years, the Episcopal Church, the SCA, and Mensa, as soon as word of this got out, the victim would be seen to, cared for, and reassured; the police would be notified, and the rapist tracked down. If the rapist were a member of any of these organizations, while he or she might continue to pay dues or attend church for a while, he or she would be ostracized and quite possibly never trusted again, and that’s if he or she was lucky. There is an awareness in all three cultures that if a man or woman dances naked on a table right before your eyes, you are still not entitled to have sex with him or her and you are still required to treat him or her with respect and courtesy. Respect and courtesy, by the way, include giving them something to cover themselves up with, and no, I haven’t actually seen this in any of these organizations – even Episcopalians aren’t that liberal! 
I was talking about this thread and its counterpart with a friend last night, the one who was accused of being a sex predator. There’s one thing we could do which hasn’t been mentioned yet. People tend to think in stereotypes. I’m older than a lot of things around here, but I think the stereotype of “Madonna or whore” still persists. Either a woman is available for and enjoys sex, in which case she’s available to anyone, or she is not available and uninterested in sex. Such women do not put themselves in situations where people are interested in sex which includes situations where people are drinking, flirting, etc. At least, that’s my perception of the stereotype. Now, I’m a healthy adult woman who enjoys sex a lot. I have also had very few lovers in my life and will not have sex with a man I haven’t known for a long time and trust completely. I like laughing and dancing, although I don’t care for drinking, and I love double and triple entendres. I suspect some of the remarks I’ve made would make Dopers blush. In my 30’s, I realized I even knew how to flirt. I also know how to make it clear to a man his intentions are unwelcome and I’m not afraid to do so loudly and publicly. I don’t give off mixed signals. I have about as much subtlety as a punch in the nose or a kiss on the lips.
Here’s one thought, although it’s a little too close to “blame the victim” for my comfort. If we could remove the stigma of being raped, change the perception that a woman who has sex with one man is available to any, that might help. If we can make it clear to society as a whole that being raped is something which is no more shameful than being mugged or conned, it might make it harder for men to get away with rapes and clear up some misperceptions.
Oh, by the way, brickbacon, while I can’t speak for KellyM, when I use the term “rapist”, I use it simply to mean a person who commits has sex with someone against his or her will. There’s no implication of legal conviction or proof. There is simply an act which is done whether two people know about it or two thousand people know about it.
CJ