Propose a New Winter Olympic Sport!

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

I’ll begin, with a sport my friend Brian invented five years ago.

Snowman Tackling

A cold winter’s night, 1996. Coming home from a long night of clubbing and much Everclear. Me, Brian and other friends are heading home. Driving through the NW Chicago burbs in the winter, you see many snowmen.

Out of nowhere, Brian screams “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, PULL OVER!”. Thinking he’s about to vomit, the Designated Driver does what he is told.

Brian jumps out of the car and points to a snowman about five feet tall. He yells “you’re MY bitch now!”, goes into a three point stance and tackles the snowman, cutting him in half.

After we stopped laughing, we drove around and all took a turn. Going shoulder first into a ball of snow will sober you up quick. :slight_smile:

Now it’s a yearly tradition. We either hit the Chicago or Milwaukee burbs one magical night and declare death to snowmen.

To properly snowman tackle, you don’t have to be drunk, but it helps. You must go into a three point stance. You have to hit the snowman full power, no half hearted bullshit. Medals would be determined by form and how badly the snowman was destroyed.

Anyone have any other unique winter activites that could be new Olympic sports? Maybe we could replace bobsledding and luge…

2

I think we could do with eliminating some of the sports already there.

3

They should combine two completely unrelated sports into one event, like, oh say, I dunno, cross-country skiing and target shooting. Nah, that would be too weird.

4

Downhill Ice-Skating

Nude Ice-Skating

5

Organised Snowball Fighting.

(No ice, dirt, or rocks.)

6

I love the biathlon. But I think they should do it with cross country and archery. Now THAT would be a challenge.

7

Really good sports–those with enduring appeal–are probably invented in response to the demands that the environment makes on you.

With that in mind, I propose a few sports that many dwellers in temperate regions have been practicing for quite a few years, if not for all our lives:

  1. The Automotive Excavation

Each contestant is led to a car buried in at least one foot of snow. The task here is to brush off the snow, defrost the windows, and get out of your streetside parking space without getting stuck while your wheels spin in an insidious combination of snow and ice.

Contestants are armed with a snow brush, scraper, and snow shovel. However, the brush and scraper are somewhere inside the car and cannot be seen from the outside, since the windows are covered with a thick layer of snow and frost. (Those cool keychain gizmos that allow you to turn on the engine while still in the house are distinctly Not In The Spirit Of Fair Play and are forbidden by the Olympic Committee.) The first phase of play, then, is to somewhow manage to get your key into the frozen-solid lock so that you can open the door and find your implements.

The second stage of the game consists of shoveling, ice-picking, and scraping your way to a road-worthy vehicle. The first contestant to be safely on his or her way to work is the winner.

  1. The 100-meter trash dash

While the Automotive Excavation rewards stamina, the 100-meter trash dash favors those with speed and agility.

In this event, each player is dressed in comfortable, only-fit-for-hanging-out-in-the-house clothing. (Olympic standards limit this to a pair of light-gauge sweatpants, a sweatshirt or light cotton sweater, and a pair of light, flimsy sneakers.) In the course of making dinner, each player finds that the trash has become full.

Without going through the process of Suiting Up, each contestant must quickly bundle up the trash bag and run with it to the nearest not-bursting-at-the-seams-full dumpster.

The winner is the person who dumps his or her trash, runs back to the house, and gets thawed out in the least amount of time. Simply dropping the trash near, but not in, a dumpster is grounds for disqualification. (Arguments along the lines of “Well, it was full, and the trash guys will pick it up, anyway” will be pointedly ignored by the judges.)

8

Snow Angels. Pairs.