"Protocol" for responding to texts

In My Humble Opinion
41

If either of my parents had said something like this following the events you described, they would have encountered a significant negative reaction from me.

If a girlfriend had said something like this, that would be the end of the relationship.

This is not behavior appropriate for the parent of an adult, particularly one who is trying to forge an adult relationship.

Look, you’re asking what the protocol is for texting, and then you’re telling people that they are incorrect when they explain it to you.

The disconnect you have is jarring. It’s jarring the same way that it’s jarring when you see a Facebook comment on a beach photo that reads, “Dear Steve, how are you, everything is fine here. The dogs got into the blueberry patch and made a mess of things- it took your grandpa an hour to fix the fences. Your cousin Louis had the flu for about three weeks but he is better now. We look forward to seeing you when you’re in town. Love Grandma.”

Only in your case, it’s jarring because it appears (despite your best intentions) to be somewhat passive-aggressive and more than a bit needy and demanding.

Texting is a different medium from the telephone, e-mail, or letters. It is like a conversation where the time between speakers does not matter. Texting is for status updates of the mundane kind, not for any conversation that involves depth or explanation of any kind.

OK topics for text:

-whether the milk is expired;
-whether you are on your way somewhere, and if so, how far along;
-whether we are out of Doritos;
-whether you wish to join me at the movies;
-whether the chick I’m following and you’re approaching is hot;
-the score of the game.

Not OK topics for text:

-The verdict of any case not presided over by Judge Judy;
-A summary of your day;
-Anything requiring nuanced expression of emotion;
-Anything that requires you to read into a response or a non-response.
Here’s the thing. When texting, ask yourself this question:

“Am I OK with the recipient of this message getting a buzz, and not taking out the phone to see who it is, or taking out the phone, seeing it’s me, and (without reading the text) thinking , ‘ehh, later,’ and then forgetting about it, maybe for a day, maybe forever, or taking out the phone, reading the text, and thinking either ‘ehhh, later,’ or ‘that’s too complicated to respond to right now/via text/ever; I’ll address it next I see them,’ and then maybe not doing so?”

If you cannot answer that question with an unequivocal “No,” then text is not the appropriate medium.

42

Thanks again, all.
I’ve got what I needed.
Feel free to continue - or not - as you wish.

43

Having been in your situation, I’d add one more “chill”. In the long run this is a bump in the road best addressed by slowing a bit rather than running onto a rut filled shoulder.:slight_smile:

44

Yeah, keep those in-person challenges going, and get ready to lose face-to-face meetings as well.

I’ll tell you what I’d like to tell my own mother, who has the same problem as you: Get. A. Life. I have my own… it’s actually not terribly rich and interesting, so that makes it twice as pathetic when you hover over every tiny detail. I’m an adult and it makes me feel like a child to have to go and text daddy that I just bought my very own car with my very own money. We don’t have a problem with texting protocol, we have a problem with hovering protocol. I’m testing your ability to engage on my terms, and you’re failing repeatedly.

Get a clue, dude. Your daughter is an independent adult. You’re going to have to face some things you don’t like, and you’re proving up front that you handle them poorly.

45

I would have been interested in the answer to this question. I’m guessing from the OP’s decision not to answer it that his daughter’s reaction was not positive. That may have been a good clue as to how she feels about his behavior and expectations.

Just conjecture, though, since the OP didn’t bother answering. (And I thought we had the kind of relationship where we shared these things with each other. Sniff.)

46

Sorry. Reaction wasn’t positive or negative. I guess I’m as bad at MBs as I am at texts, because I failed to clearly indicate that my statement was said as we were smiling and huigging, greeting each other, and interspersed with whatever pleasantries “Great to see you”, etc. And her response was along the lines of “Yeah, I know. Sorry. I was busy.” etc.

47

Dinsdale,

You sound like a great father who is only doing what he is supposed to do, given you care. That’s more than some people can even ask for. However, part of life is just going about your own, learning, and adapting, so in this case, I think you’re just getting a feel for how your communication is evolving to suit her current direction.

It doesn’t mean she cares for you any less, but I’d try to occupy your time with some other (new) things, then surprise her with the details when she gets in contact with you, next. Show her how you’re able to adapt, and trust that she will get back to you, even if it is a call for help. Sometimes, that’s just the moment to have a broader conversation, where she will then have another opportunity to grow.

Take it all in, but also understand the importance of space (for both of you), once you’ve done your main job as a parent and cast the cub off.

48

Aww, this makes me want to hug you.

So I know you’re done here, but I’ll add anyway to “chill” consensus. And then I’d like to add another “chill” to being miffed that she didn’t inform you about her car purchase. Why does she need to? Maybe she doesn’t feel the need to check in with mommy and daddy anymore when she makes a major purchase because she’s an adult now. When’s the last time you consulted your parents on a major purchase? I’ve bought every car I’ve ever owned (except the first when I was a kid that my parents helped pay for), moved to every place I’ve ever moved, taken every job I’ve ever taken, began and ended every relationship I’ve ever been without consulting my mom and dad. I just did it, and when my parents ask what’s going on, I don’t even think I mention the new car. Buying a car was just something I did because I needed one, and not something I felt the need to keep my folks looped in on.

I’m sorry your daughter’s lack of communication is upsetting to you. And I know you feel like the busy excuse is bullshit, but she likely is busy. Too busy to text “K”? Probably not, but some people don’t view responding to texts, especially casual “What’s up” texts and the like, to be particularly pressing when they’re busy, and often just all out forget about them. And then the ugly truth is sometimes people just don’t feel like texting with their parents. Doesn’t mean she doesn’t want much to do with you anymore. It means she’s a young adult branching out on her own and probably has a lot going on. I’m sure she’s still in your fan club.

49

[quote=“HMS_Irruncible, post:44, topic:664291”]

Your daughter is an independent adult.

[QUOTE]

And that’s what you wanted all along - it’s just very hard to loosen those apron strings, you are now ‘good old dad’ - assume the position and be grateful for any meagre communication you may receive. :smiley:

50

[QUOTE=MeanOldLady;16506812.]
And then I’d like to add another “chill” to being miffed that she didn’t inform you about her car purchase. Why does she need to? .. Buying a car was not something I felt the need to keep my folks looped in on.
[/QUOTE]

The OP stated:

I agree that the OP’s posts have a tone of an over-concerned parent. But the car is a legitimate issue. A good daughter should have offered a sincere thank you hug when he handed her the check, and another , more subtle, thank you a month later. Not in those words, but maybe in the form of a comment saying how great it is to have a new, dependable car, not like the old junker she used to have. Just to acknowledge that , yeah, Dad, I know you were there for me when I needed you, even though it’s embarassing to say so out loud.

51

I disagree with the majority of the people in this thread. Without daddy, this girl wouldn’t have a car. Daddy made it clear he wants more communication with her . As such, she should cooperate and throw Daddy a bone now and again and not act like an ungrateful brat.

52

This is how I’m feeling too, and that’s why I don’t understand all the “leave her alone!” stuff. It’s not like the OP wants an hour long conversation. And it’s not like his daughter is a child who can’t intuit someone else’s feeling (unless she really is disabled in this department). So I think his situation is entirely understandable.

I think Dinsdale should chill. But only for his own sake, not hers.

53

What makes you think she didn’t give him a sincere hug when he handed her the check? It seemed to me that the present was given at/for graduation, thanks were probably given at the time (though I’m assuming this; I don’t believe the OP said), then after graduation, after she started making her own life and not responding to texts, she bought the car with the down payment gift. I can see where you’re coming from with the car thing, but really, it’s a gift, and assuming she thanked him sincerely at the time, I don’t see why she needs to send progress reports. If my mom sent me a large amount of money, I’d be thrilled about it, would thank the crap out of her, then I’d go spend it. I wouldn’t keep her informed of what I’m spending my gift money on. If my mom asked me what was going on via text, I wouldn’t ignore her (because I’m not a 22 year old kid), but I wouldn’t include a report of what I bought with her gift money. I’d just say “Things are good” and that’d be that. I’m sorry – I would say “things r gud.”

54

My daughter approached me when she turned 16, asking if I’d help her buy a car. I assumed she meant financially, while she actually meant test-drive, evaluate, not get ripped off, etc.

So I told her I’d match her savings, assuming she had saved up a few hundred and I would add in whatever was needed. She jumped for joy. Turns out that waitressing, baby sitting, etc allowed her to sock away $3,500. Her first car was pretty nice.

/hijack reminiscence

55

Because “communication” isn’t currency. And “communication” as he wants it doesn’t exist. Nobody’s saying that she should be ungrateful. What is being said is that what he thinks isn’t happening, should not be expected to happen.

The OP is writing the equivalent of a letter and is upset when he does not receive the same promptly.

If the OP has an iPhone, it will tell him when a text is received. Most smartphones will tell you when a text is not received. Accordingly, he will know when a text is or is not received by its recipient.

But that is not what he wants. What he wants is a response. What he wants is validation.

Text messaging means that you can send a short, unimportant message on your time and I can answer it on mine. Not that you have to jump when I yank the leash.

56

My mom does the same thing as you.

Sometimes I don’t reply. It’s just because I mean to reply and then forget. Please don’t take it personally. I know it’s bad, but sometimes it happens.

Also . . . I’d really prefer to have that lengthy of conversations over the phone or email than texts.
I treat texts somewhat like Twitter - make the text and likely response 140 characters or less, please.

Not sure if other people my age feel that way but I suspect they do because I never get super long texts from them.

Also, please no txt speak.

57

Because of this:

and this:

She certaintly doesn’t fully know how to take the generosity of a new car from her daddy, and the fully nuanced response just does. not. work. over text. Fortunately (from her point of view!) texting is a medium that doesn’t require response via immedate text back, so no problems (from her point of view!)

And, her point of view is standard texting etiquette.

58

Dad gave her money for the car. I am almost 40 and my dad gave me some money for the car and you bet your ass I repeatedly expressed gratitude and then, called him and told him how it drove and some of the neat things about it.

I read through this whole thread and while there are ton of salient points - she needs her space, she’s going to learn to be independent, parents are always so judgy anyway, but I still think she should have called her Dad and said, “The car’s great, thanks again Dad, I really appreciate it”.

59

Let it just be said that I don’t disagree with this.

I don’t think anyone does.

It’s the manner in which the OP wants that appreciation expressed, and the unsuitability of the medium through which he wants the expression.