I’m a 52 yr old fogey - not terribly adept at all things technological, and am curious about folks’ opinions as to the proper protocol for responding to texts. Basically, what types of texts from whom merit a response - if only “k” to acknoweldge receipt?
Here’s my specific situation. I have 3 kids, the youngest is in her young 20s. She just finished college 150 miles away, is living there over the summer, and will be moving across country in a month or so for grad school. We do not speak very often over the phone (I may start another thread asking how frequently adult kids and their parents speak with or see each other.) AFAIK, things are essentially fine between us - no huge drama of late. Everything is going well in her and our lives.
We saw each other the weekend before last, and have not communicated by phone, text, or e-mail in 8 days or so. Last evening I sent a chatty text, just to touch bases. Basically “How ya doin? How is the new car? Plans progressing for the move? Hope you are enjoying your summer.”
No response.
This isn’t the first time this sort of thing has happened. And I have told her face-to-face in no uncertain words that I appreciate just a terse response/acknowledgment.
I guess I’m just trying to figure out what the mode/frequency of communication between us will be when she moves a couple of thousand miles away. I don’t want to read anything into her non-responses, but I thought most young people used their phones in a maner that would have them checking their texts at least once every 12-24 hours.
Too many vowels! Too many consonants too. Too many capital letters and punctuation marks, except you’re allowed to use lots of punctuation if you’re txting in l337-sp33|<
+1 point for writing “ya” instead of “you”, but -1 for not writing “u”. -2 points for writing out “you” in the 4th sentence, and -2 more for “your” instead of “ur”. +1 point for “doin” instead of “doing”, but -1 for including the g at the end of “progressing”.
It is also quite possible that the message didn’t go through. SMS messages (aka texts) do sometimes disappear into the aether, especially if there’s multiple carriers involved or the recipient’s phone is off or in a spotty service area. E-mail is generally more reliable, although with kids these days an IM program like the Facebook Messanger or Gchat may get a faster response. ETA: Facebook also has the advantage of showing when the person actually looked at the message even if they’re too busy/lazy to actually respond. I’m not sure if the other IM programs do or not. Of course, that’s assuming you’re both on Facebook and she consents to friending you.
That’s not very long. Don’t take this the wrong way, but maybe she just doesn’t feel like talking to her folks for a while every now and then, especially if she’s off somewhere being independent. And texts are easier to ignore than phone calls.
I’m not saying that’s OK, but kids are like that sometimes. It doesn’t mean she doesn’t love you, and it doesn’t mean that she’s been raped or murdered. It really doesn’t mean much of anything at all. Just leave it for a while, she’ll come around.
This is old person talk. People today generally text using punctuation and words that are fully spelled out. This is because smartphones all have autocorrect, so you actually have to work pretty hard to get your phone not to correct your “l33tspeek” to proper English.
For a text such as the one you sent, including actual questions (as opposed to just, 'hey, picked up the groceries like you said, see you later"), I’d expect a response within a day or so, yes.
Personally my suggestion is that if you text her and then don’t hear anything after a day or two, pick up the phone and call her instead. People hate phone calls these days, so if she knows that ignoring Dad’s text for too long = getting an actual phone call (bleeeeargh) from Dad, she might be more inclined to answer her damn texts.
Source: parent of an 11-year-old, sister to a 22-year-old.
Don’t ask questions. Just make statements so that no response is OK.
*Hope everything’s going well. I imagine the new car is a bit of a thrill. From my memory moving was never any fun, with any luck you’ll cruise through it. Great summer so far. *
The people I regularly text respond or don’t respond according to whether they have anything to say. I’m the same.
I would not consider your questions to be appropriate for texting and if my parents sent me such a text, I’d call them back to answer them. It’s too much to answer via text.
Actually, on further thought, I agree with this. “How’s the car” is okay for a text, probably. Wanting a full update on how she’s doing and a lengthy chat is probably too much.
I may be a bit above the age range of the OP’s kids, but for the love of God, do not do this. My parents will sometimes use this sort of stuff in their texts and it just bugs me; it stinks of “trying to be hip”. I could sort of forgive it with dumb phones and predictive texting, but with modern smart phones, swype, and spell checking, there’s just no reason since it’s just as fast to have common words spelled out.
That all said, texting isn’t generally the best way to really have a conversation with someone. Personally, I have one or two friends who, for various reasons, we’ll have someone long conversations through texts, but that’s rare. Generally, particularly with my parents, texts are a way for quick communications, and if they were to send me a text like in the OP, they might get a “Things are going fine.” Otherwise, I’ll just fill them in next time we catch up. Unless I’ve sent a text with a pointed question like “When do you want to meet up for the movie?” I’ll generally run under the assumption that a given text doesn’t necessitate a response, at least not in a timely manner.
Instead, I’d say use texts for just a few small things here and there, and make more of a point to have some sort of regular phone call, emails, or other sort of communication that is better suited to that sort of thing.
Yep. I try not to put more than one question in a text. I’d be fine with any one of the questions in the OP but all together? That’s a phonecall or an email, or for me, personally, a facebook message.
What I do wish my dad would stop doing is sending texts that just say “call me”! I’m getting really tired of freaking out slightly that someone’s gotten hurt or something only to be asked what I want for dinner when I visit next week or if I’ll feel like camping this summer.
LOL! How’s that? When I got my new phone and started texting more, my dtr would say I was a textbook example of why geezers ought not be alowed to text! She’ dshare them with her friends and they’d all get a good laugh.
I guess the reson I text the questions, is because I consider a text less intrusive than a phone call. And I’m initiating the communication because she generally doesn’t.
I told her the reason I like at lest a “k” is so I know that the messages got thru. I’m trying really hrd not to impose my expectations on her, but it does kinda bother me for someone to suggest she is so busy that she is unable to read and acknowledge my occasional texts.
Sure, I can “chill.” But I like my daughter, and would like to have some ongoing relationship with her. And I’m having a hard time not considering her current manner of communication less than I would desire of a close family member/friend.
Exactly what I thought upon reading the OP’s text. There is one person in particular with whom I will have extended conversations over text but we still keep it to one question at a time.
E-mail is by far my fave manner of communication, but she says she never checks e-mail. Which I accept at face value - tho I have the same phone as hers and mine notifies me whenever I have new e-mails.
I guess if my daughter is basically indicating she just doesn’t want to have too much to do with her parents on a regular basis, that makes me kind of sad.
I think that’s maybe putting it a little too harshly. She’s young and trying to be independent, and is just figuring out a new career and living situation and social life, so this is naturally the time in her life when she’s least attentive to her parents. Don’t take it as rejection, just a sign that she’s got other things going on (hopefully good things).
Yeah, you are probably right. And I suspect someone will characterize what I am about to say as “keeping score” or “expecting compensation.” But when I think of the time, emotion, effort, and resources associated with our relationship to date, I have to admit I am disappointed that my efforts did not result in someone who would spend a whopping 5 seconds to acknowledge receipt of a text.
Tho she has a lot of neat stuff going on, believe me, there are sizeable periods of downtime as well. I’m not going to apologize that I cannot receive the briefest of texts while she’s watching an episode of “ANTM” or “Say Yes to the Dress” that she has already seen…
And I find it difficult to not assume a somewhat harsh interpretation. I WANT to share my life with her. And not adopting a negative interpretation has me dangling in a manner where I am always hoping to hear something soon. I find that type of attitude exhausting.
So what do I do? Do I keep sending texts, and receiving no acknowledgment? Do I call her weekly? Monthly? Or do I just go radio silent, and wait to hear from her?
There is no five-second way to respond to that text. You asked three complicated, open ended questions. That text needs fifteen minutes to answer, or no answer at all.
Texting is fine. Calling is fine. But don’t go with the shotgun approach of asking 3-4 questions in a text. If you want to know all that, call.
Also, and I say this having read about your family for years, I’d avoid questions and go with talking about your own life. I suspect when she answers your questions, you’ll have good, sensible opinions about those answers–advice, suggestions. Good advice, good suggestions. But she doesn’t want advice or suggestions. So she isn’t going to answer the questions.
“Hi [Daughter], how’s life going? [chat] Listen, your mom and I are always interested in what’s going on in your life and you know how [Name] at church always wants to know what you’re up to and we’d like to have new info to share sometimes. As things are settling down, have you found a method of contact that works well for you, especially when the discussion material can be time-sensitive? Love hearing from you. Bye, Dinsdale.”
I wouldn’t worry about any implications this has for your future relationship. She’s out, doing stuff, learning how to be an adult version of her, and even though the fires of the teen years has subsided, it’s going to be a while before they go out completely.
It takes time and focus to develop an adult relationship with your parents. Even if you’re totally an adult in every other way, being around your parents makes that feel far away. Most people I know were quite distant in their early 20s, then as the confidence level in being an adult went up, and the two lifestyles evened up in terms of interests and responsibilities, the adult relationship was very close (as long as the parent treated the kid like an adult).
But it’s different, and it’s much more a “friends” relationship than a parent/child dynamic. It’ll be fine, it just takes a while.