Public Service Rant

Perhaps this has been done before, and if you’re not a guilty party, kindly disregard, thanks.

Today’s activities included a trip to the parcel store where I drop off items sold on eBay for FedEx shipping. I parked in the lot and carried a few large boxes, one at a time, into the store, waved to the counter folks, and headed out the door. At this point, I observed Fuck McTard parking in the FIRE LANE before entering the same store to stand in line with a few items no larger than a shoebox. Although he looked to be at least 20 years my junior, I guess he couldn’t manage the 30’ walk from proper parking spaces.

At my next stop, I park in the mostly empty parking lot and walk past an idling, empty Acura, again located in the FIRE LANE. Inside the store is a dimwitted bitch who thinks rules don’t apply to her, completing her oh-so-important transaction.

For the sake of review, here are the rules:
You may park in a FIRE LANE if you are

  1. Fire apparatus, including engines, trucks, Chief’s cars, and so forth
  2. EMS equipment-ambulances and such
  3. Police cruisers, marked and unmarked
    the above three predicated on being at that occupancy for official business-not picking up your lunch, shopping there, or other unofficial bullshit. If you’re doing that, stop it! You’re a fuckwit who makes the rest of us in emergency services look bad.

If you’re a member of the general public, it’s fine to pause in a fire lane to drop off or pick up 1 or more passengers. Unless it’s posted as a loading zone, don’t use it as such. Additional do nots include

  1. Waiting for someone while they shop
  2. Sleeping
  3. Reading
  4. Repairing your car
  5. Just running in for one thing
  6. Just running in for a minute
  7. Just thinking you’re better than everyone else

If you do any of the above, Fuck You! Fuck you in the asshole with dried corncobs! This self-entitlement makes my anger blaze with the heat of a turpentine enema! I don’t give a flying fuck if you’re young, old, rich, poor, skinny, fat, male, female, GLBT, black, white, or motherfucking paisley- park your goddamned shitmobile in the proper fucking space and walk to the goddamned store like you should have been taught. If your parents were too dismally stupid to teach you that, then fuck them, too.

If you disagree with my thesis, then I pray your dog vomits something nasty and staining on your new berber carpeting, paranormal forces bend all of your teaspoons, wild pigs empty their bowels into your chest of drawers, and your significant other leaves you to join the circus, along with posting your private video on YouTube, such that you become the subject of derision at your workplace.

whew That felt good! :smiley:

The preceding is a public service rant. Please don’t behave like an asshole, e.g. you’re better than everyone else, and the world will be a slightly better place. Thank you.

It’s been done before, but it is one of those rants that needs an annual refreshing.

A question for the public service ranter:

I always understood (at least in New York) that you could “stand” in fire lanes, that is to say stop the car and wait with the driver in it (or immediately adjacent to it), so that if the emergency vehicles showed up you could immediately drive out of the way. Similarly, you can “stand” in front of hydrants. Just this weekend, I did this while my passenger ran into a store for a couple of minutes.

Does your rant extend to those of us who “stand” in fire lanes, ready to immediately vacate the area for emergency vehicles?

It’s still okay to park in the FIRE LANE if I turn my hazard lights on, right?

No. The proper use of hazards is to just pull up next to the parked cars so that you are slightly out of the main lane but not usefully out of the main lane and dash in to make your delivery.

Don’t use the handicapped spaces for such purposes, either. If there is any justice in the universe, people who abuse handicapped parking spaces will someday get some horrible disease or injury such that they really need those spaces.

Likewise, people who abuse fire lanes will have their car or house catch on fire and the fire department not be able to get to it because the fire lane is blocked, in addition to all the other things the OP mentioned happening to them.

But FedEx trucks are emergency vehicles, right? At least they seem to think so around here.

I’m terribly sorry. I missed the entire second half of your (I’m sure accurate and worthy) rant because my brain was busy replaying Airplane.

Male announcer: The white zone is for immediate loading and unloading of passengers only. There is no stopping in a red zone.
Female announcer: The white zone is for immediate loading and unloading of passengers only. There is no stopping in a red zone.
Male announcer: The red zone is for immediate loading and unloading of passengers only. There is no stopping in a white zone.
Female announcer: No, the white zone is for loading. Now, there is no stopping in a RED zone.
Male announcer: The red zone has always been for loading.
Female announcer: Don’t you tell me which zone is for loading, and which zone is for unloading.
Male announcer: Look Betty, don’t start up with your white zone shit again. There’s just no stopping in a white zone.
Female announcer: Oh really, Vernon? Why pretend, we both know perfectly well what this is about. You want me to have an abortion.
Male announcer: It’s really the only sensible thing to do, if its done safely. Therapeutically there’s no danger involved.

Just playing devil’s advocate here - are these marked fire lanes, or are these unmarked / virtual / defacto / everyone knows it’s a fire lane even though there’s no signs or red markings on the curb / super-secret fire lanes?

Only wondering as some places have plainly marked fire lanes with signs, red curbs and pavement hatching, and other places have no markings of any sort, apparently trusting people not to park there and clog up the whole parking lot.

A fair question, Sir. My home state is Pennsylvania.
Title 75 PA C.S., Chapter 33, Subchapter E (Stopping, standing and parking)
§3353. Prohibitions in specific places
(a) GENERAL RULE. – Except when necessary to avoid conflict with other traffic or to protect the safety of any person or vehicle or in compliance with law of the directions of a police officer or official traffic-control device, no person shall:
(1) Stop, stand or park a vehicle:
(B) Standing or parking for the purpose of loading or unloading persons or property may be authorized by local ordinance, but the ordianance shall not authorize standing or parking… {not relevant}
(x) At any place where official signs prohibit stopping
(2) Stand or park a vehicle:
(viii) At any place where official signs prohibit standing.

Italicized for emphasis.

Being ready to immediately vacate the fire lane is a great concept, but having witnessed firsthand what occurs when I roll up in response to an automatic or manual fire alarm at a mercantile occupancy, the vehicle operators typically freeze and return a deer-in-the-headlights look, not knowing whether to shit themselves or wind their watch.

In such a situation, pedestrians are hopefully, but not likely auto-evacuating the structure, and they don’t need vehicles sitting in the fire lane which impede their egress.

Logically, you’re sitting in or standing by your vehicle. Are you going to hear the building alarm system? Summertime-windows up, A/C on, chatting on your cell phone while your friend shops?

Next thing you know, two engines, a truck, a Chief, and two patrol cars are converging on the occupancy, and it’s NOW that you want to attempt to safely move, without endangering pedestrian traffic? File that under Plan, Bad.

You’re better in the lot to begin with.

I AM serious, and don’t call me Shirley.

So, the guy’s oil light comes on. He stops because he must. Happens to be in a fire lane. Should he pour in some oil and go on, or wait for the tow?

A valid query-I speak of those spaces which are properly signed.

Unfortunately, we live in a society where signs need to be posted so folks can ignore what they should have been taught at home.

Nice try-swing and miss. :wink:

He must? Since when does his vehicle service immediacy trump public health and safety? If the light is on, and it still runs, it will travel another 50 feet to a legal parking place.

Let’s say it won’t. Or if you prefer, let’s say it happened as he was waiting for a pickup, which you stipulate is okay. Now, if you’re going to claim it is impossible ever for anyone to be in a situation where his car is broken down in a fire lane, just let me know and I’ll leave your thread alone so you can pretend things without further hassle. I’m just wondering what a person is to do if he cannot repair his car (your number 4). It seems silly to make him wait for a tow, when a quick can of oil will get him on his way. I mean, what with public health and safety and all. He gets out of the fire lane much quicker by repairing his car. And you get your public health and safety.

Is it okay to park in the fire lane if your car is on fire?

I’m willing to cut people with malfunctioning cars some slack. The other situations mentioned in the OP… no.

Is he also incapable of pushing his car to out of the way?

I suppose we could run around finding exceptional circumstances to the don’t park in the fire lane rule. What if your driving across the fire lane and a alien comes out of nowhere and hits your care with a super slowing ray gun. all that is needed to stop the effect is it ok to park your car get put and get back in?

How about people don’t park there cars in the fucking fire lanes and do everything in their power to avoid finding themselves parked in the fire lane.

It’s a source of amazement to me that no matter how closely framed an issue can be, some sonofabitch, in this case, you, will create an unlikely circumstance, just to be a contrary cocksucker. :rolleyes:

You win. Contrary Cocksucker of the Day award goes to Liberal. Your award is a quart of oil. Push your fucking shitmobile into a legal parking place and add it there.

Actually, my oil light came on this morning and I had to drive two miles to get to the store. Where I parked in the fire lane while I went in to get some oil. (I’m not serious; I parked in the spot reserved for Starbucks customers.)