Put together your Henchmen Dream Team

Cafe Society
21

If I had to put a team together in very short order, by bringing together five disparate characters only available to me in my bedroom this instant, here’s what the team would look like…

Boba Fett (Star Wars) - “problem solver” :wink:
Snake Eyes (G.I. Joe) - stealth operations
The Green Goblin (Spider-Man) - funding
Jake “The Snake” Roberts (WWF Wrestling) - booze
Unicron (Transformers) - pure, unadulterated brawn (No, not that Brawn; he’s dead. Or is he?)

There! A team comprised of members all within my line of sight. I wonder how they’d do?

(BTW, I just finished checking out The Escape for the first time in quite a while, Rob. It’s looking great! One of the first and best Transformers sites I ever linked to.)

Anyhoo…

22

Damn you code! With my last breath, I curse at thee!!!

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Yes.
Yes, he is.

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The Shrike: Lesse, take a 4-armed golem, cover it in razor wire, and speed it up to the point where it could tweak Neo’s nose. Oh, it can time-travel, as well.
But it’s not omnipotent. Really.
Xan Kreigor: Basically, a cybernetically-enhanced death machine who is also a sports star richer than god. Plus he has a sexy voice.
The Nameless One: Provided I can keep him from wandering off to the Negative Material Plane and reclaiming his mortality, I’ve got a henchman immune to anything less than the head of a local pantheon taking an undue interest in me. And he has many many lifetimes of experience to help, if he can remember any of it. And he’s got a skull. And babes.
Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Lets face it, my team needs some boobage, and I could do worse than a girl who has faced and defeated vampires, demons, body-snatchers, robots, demon-human-robot hybrids, evil wizards, giant snake demons, gods, primal incarnations of evil, and high school. Plus she’s died a few times. She and TNO will have something to talk about.
Queen Xenomorph: Let’s face it: Henchmen die. Frequently. (Actually, that’s not a major inconvienence given my other henchmen, but still…) I need a large supply of expendable warm bodies (or room-temperature bodies, as the case may be) for whatever my evil schemes may be, and you can do much worse than lightning-fast, utterly-fearless, acid-blooded, damn hard to kill aliens as grunts.

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C. Montgomery Burns: Money, and a total lack of scruples. In fact, he has so few scruples he is like a black hole, he sucks scruples away from those near him.

The Incredible Hulk: He’d be the muscle. I don’t need him to think, just to bust heads.

Seven of Nine: Cause I like having hot babes in skin tight catsuits around, okay?

R2D2: Very advanced technical skills, single minded, stubborn, always seems to show up in the right place at the right time, small enough to generally go unnoticed.

Gromit: Very loyal, smart, good mechanical skills, never panics or loses his cool.

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No big surprises here…

  1. Green Lantern
wields the officially-designated Most Powerful Weapon in the Universe.   Team this guy with the incalculably strong will of my next choice, and I won't even NEED the other three!
  1. Dr. Doom (team leader)
one of the most intelligent and knowledgeable characters around, master of technology and (so it's claimed) sorcery, has diplomatic immunity, has the resources of a small nation behind him, can create pretty much any device or process you ask for, master planner, can also do a pretty good job kicking butt
  1. Etrigan the Demon
let's face it.... I'm evil, I'm going to get sent to Hell.   This guy can get me out!   
Also knows everything there is to know about magic, and is immortal.
  1. Despero
vast mental powers capable of psychically dominating the population of an enire planet simultaneously
  1. The Borg Queen
 rules countless thousands of solar systems, controls millions of high-powered starships, commands the utter loyalty of billions of physically-formidable minions, instantly knows anything that happens in her sphere of influence, has access to all the technology and knowledge of every species her drones have ever assimilated
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John Shaft -Won’t cop out when there’s danger all about.

Ronald McDonald - Arm him with automatic weapontry and you have yourself an unstoppable killing machine.

Cruella DeVille - I can respect a woman who revels in her evil-ness. In exchange for her services, I would lay the puppies of the city at her feet.

Dougie Howser - In many ways, he is the soul of the group. Can also provide medical services when needed.

Dr. Claw - To give the group some style.

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Scorpius (Farscape) the Brains
Pros- Scarran strength, can sense a person’s energy signature to see when they’re lying, genius-level intelligence, commands a starship capable of slagging a planet and can carry over 50,000 people (a Star Destroyer could fit inside it’s docking bay)

Cons; needs an elaborate cooling suit with thermal regulator rods to prevent the heat generated by his Scarran genes from destroying his heat-sensitive Sebecean genes, obsessed with Wormholes, really bad teeth, would cost a fortune in dental work :wink:

The Tick; the Muscle
Pros; Nigh Invulnerable, survived being shot into orbit and atmospheric re-entry, once was hit full on by a subway train and walked away only slightly British, incredible enthusiasm for his assigned task, to the exclusion of anything else

Cons; easily distracted by shiny objects

Steve Jobs; the Money
Pros; a Billionare with a soul, access to the most Insanely Great™ computers on the planet, owns the most loved animation studio in the world, Pixar, mortal enemy of bill gate$ and micro$oft

Cons; really bad temper

Chiana (Farscape); the Thief, Seductress (and eye candy :wink: )
Pros; can Kick, Kiss, or Cry her way out of anything, Jr. Miss Tough Chick of the Universe, can charm the mivonks off any male, immune to radiation (we don’t burn, but we don’t tan), sister of the leader of the Nebari Resistance movement

Cons; tends to get into trouble when caught stealing

Steven Hawking; the Brains
Pros; the most celebrated living Physicist of our time, give him access to Scorpy and Scorpy’s Command Carrier, and we would see the completion of wormhole technology, thanks to Peacekeeper medical technology, Prof. Hawking’s A.L.S. would be cured, and he would no longer be wheelchair bound

Cons; nothing that can’t be solved thru the use of science

yes, i know i have two “brains” henchmen, but i feel that that’s the most important part, i’m more of a brains-over-brawn kind of guy

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Ender Wiggins- planning and strategy

Radar O’Reilly- can find anything that is needed

The Professor from Gilligan’s Island - he can make anything out of coconuts

Angel - kicks butt in a fight and is decorative as well but usually overdressed

John McClane - he can use any weapon and anything can be a weapon

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Artemis Fowl & Butler - Logistics, navigation, technology, brute strength. These guys are the core of my team; the rest are just to pretty it up.

Luke Skywalker - Dealings with whatever supernatural forces Artemis and Butler can’t handle.

Legolas - Old world knowledge/fighting skills. Fills in the gaps for Luke, Artemis and Butler

Rosencrantz and Guildenstern - Comic relief

Dr. Chase Meridian - I’ll need a gal pal while the boys are at work.

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I hope you never have to ask him to build a functioning raft out of ANYTHING.

Are we allowed to have backup henchpersons? Cause I would nominate Bertie Wooster’s valet Jeeves as my first backup. Another smart guy who never loses his cool, and supremely loyal.

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Tony Montana- he’s only got his balls and his word, and he don’t break either of 'em for nobody.
Jimmy “the Gent” Conway- loves to steal, loyal, good earner.
Nicky Santoro- ruthless killer
“Rooster” Cogburn- good shot, even with only one eye
and of course,
Frank White- mobster with a heart, and bankroll

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Excel & Hyatt (and I suppose Menchi, she’s the emergency food supply-can’t deny them that): Loyal, hot, willing to do about anything. Downside: Hyatt tends to die. Often.

Dr. Christian Szell: Staff dentist and information extractor.

Dr. Felix Hoenikker: What better way to take an entire planet hostage than ice-nine?

Dr. Strangelove: Designer of the underground lair, from which I and my army rule the world and avoid those annoying nukes.
Dr. Gonzo and Hunter S. Thompson: Recruiters for the Tentacle Army. Massive parties/recuitment drives keep the Tentacle Army strong, and the only thing nastier than a massive mob of armed lunatics is a massive mob of armed lunatics on mescaline.

Hm. Lotta doctors on that list.

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Vash the Stampede- Stronger, faster, and more resilient than a normal human being. Capable of powering a small city (or blowing it up if need be). Confuses opposition with fancy gunslinger skills, conflicting rumors, and screaming like a little girl. Strong loyalty and moral fibre. May be persuaded to use enormous mental powers to my advantage. Easily bribed with donuts.

Cons - Drinks too damn much. Evil twin may eventually destroy or drive insane.

Nicholas D. Wolfwood- Works well with Vash. General Badassness (awesome weapon…check, rides motorcycle…check, two day stubble…check). Good with kids. You never know when you may need a man of God around either.

Cons - Smokes so much his lungs are probably one giant tumor. Prone to switching sides and/or dying unexpectedly.

Captain Carrot and Angua- Charisma, strength, and intelligence. Carrot could outtalk Saruman any day of the week. Ability to make enemies spontaneously play football. Angua can rip recalcitrant enemies throats out and smell sunlight. Witty one liners.

Cons - Carrot may one day have to leave to be king of Ankh Morpork. May try to arrest Vash or Alucard.

Davis Xanatos- Money baby. Also comes with evil lair, faerie assistant, and transportation. Proven evil scheming skills, yet has great PR. Experience with sourcery and the occult.

Cons - Many enemies. Prior evil schemes have been known to backfire.

Alucard of Hellsing- If you have to deal with the occult or scary Roman Catholics, there’s no one better. General Badassness (lust for blood…check, cool gun…check, evil laugh…check). Kills without scruples or remorse. Will almost certainly use enormous mental powers to my advantage. Can change shape and travel vast distances instantly. May produce amusing freak out in Vash due to uncanny wardrobe similarity. Will work well with Xanatos.

Cons- Will probably annoy the hell out of Angua. May bring home stray vampires.

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For pure wet work,

** Boba Fett**- He’s intimidating, smart, and he has a space ship.

47- Legendary in his field. If someone pisses you off, 47 could kill them and be out of the country before they find the body.

Batman- The skills, the cool, and the money.

HAL 9000- Scary ass computer. He can come up with plans and talk…softly.

The Bride- Anyone that can take out 88 japanese gangsters with a sword is definiately worthy of a spot.

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Granny Weatherwax and any four other people who happened to wander into the auditions.

That way I don’t have to worry about anyone else interfering with my plans, I only have to worry about the fact that she might find out she’s henching.

Yeah, I know, I’m doomed, but at least it’s by my own hand.

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Anomander Rake-can durn into a dragon, able to use some pretty nasty magic, almost immortal, wields a sword that carries a piece of hell inside it-literally, just plain an all around badass (if you haven’t read Steven Erikson you wouldn’t know

The Doctor-brilliant, resourceful, has time machine, profoundly good luck in tight situations

Riff-gadgets, witty remarks-downside is that gadgets don’t always work as intended

Bruce Wayne/Batman-money, planning, martial arts skills

Liloo (sp?) from the 5th element-perfect being, nasty fighter, extremely hot

38

You’re kidding, right? 37 posts about henchmen, and not ONE mention of the ultimate henchman, Nodwick?

After all, once you rule the city, you have to have SOMEONE help you store all your stuff…

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Dude, read again he was my first pic :wink:

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Zack Morris - When you need charm and great plans rolled into one.

Bruce Wayne/Batman - Resources, detective work, and a giant penny.

Kyle Rayner/Green Lantern - Possesses the most powerful weapon in the universe (the one with no weakness; although, one graphic novel I read stated that the Guardians only told their GLs that there was a weakness to provide a measure of control. In all reality, the original ring that Hal Jordan owned had no weaknesses. Their belief that there was a weakness to yellow was what caused them to have a weakness.), and combined with Zack’s creativity, there will be nothing those two can’t do.

R2-D2 - For a robot, he’s extremely intelligent, can unlock any door, and short circuit any electronic.

Stephen Hawking - With Batman already covering the brains aspect of this group, Stephen’s sole purpose will be to translate for R2-D2.