Look at it this way: based on your previous thread, this freakshow has already convinced himself that you think about him way more than you actually do. The very fact of your agonizing over this is making him right. Call it forgiveness, acceptance, what have you – but stop letting this guy use his drama (of which his plea for forgiveness probably just another part) to essentially force his way into your head.
Here’s the background.
I appreciate all the responses, especially the raw heartache-y stuff that people are spilling out . When compared to all of your stories, mine doesn’t seem all that bad! And I feel truly lucky to have been spared the kinds of experiences that you guys have had.
For all those who said I’m agonizing about this too much: you are exactly right. It’s time for me to let it go and move on. I think that, based on what ya’ll have said, I have forgiven this guy. The incident may still be in my mind whenever his name comes up, but it’s not on the forefront of it. So I think I did a good thing by telling him what I did. It’s just time I really put it in action.
But I’m going to keep up my wariness and not feel bad if I can’t be anything more than cordial and polite to him from now on.
Wow. I remember that thread now. I don’t think there’s any reason you should forgive that guy for anything he’s done to you, because IMO it sounds like if you enable him the drama is going to get more and more ridiculous until you put a stop to it. How much does his boss know about all this?
It sounds like you are well on the way to forgiving him.
irishgirl said it better then I can:
Forgiveness is working through the anger, pain, embaressment, etc, and not letting the other person’s past acts control your life. It doesn’t mean that you forget, or go back to where you were. It lets you clear away the emotions, so that you can decide, with a level head, how you want to interact with that person in the future.
1. What does forgiveness mean to you?
Choosing not to persecute the offender for the offense. To allow them to live it down if that’s what they want to do.
2. What was the worse offense that you’ve completely forgiven?
I can’t answer this, there may be no such offense either because I’ve allowed myself to forget it over time, or because I’ve not yet fully forgiven any such offense. As long as I live there is always a chance I’ll recall an offense and let The Rage take over.
3. What was the lowliest offense that you’ve never completely forgiven?
Lowliest? The most hurtful may have been my wife’s behavior a couple years back. It was selfish to the point of malice. her lover still figures prominently in my dreams, but she says she rarely even thinks about him. Perhaps I’ll withhold forgiveness until she’s honest about that.
4. Does forgiveness require forgetting? Does it mean returning relationships back to normal, as if nothing happened? Or can interactions be different, yet offenses still forgiven? Again, I can’t answer this with any certainty, but I’d guess the answer to be “no.” Empathy/Sympathy can go a long way toward understanding the perspective of an offender. It may even be the case that you could come to find no fault in their actions given an understanding of the circumstances leading up to it. Still, no need to forget as long as the threat remains–this is a matter of self-preservation. You can forgive a tiger for trying to eat you, but that will not make him your pet.
- What does forgiveness mean to you?
It means accepting what the other person has done, dealing with it on your own and in the spectrum of the relationship with said person, and moving on despite the hardships. It means taking everything in, processing it, and still liking and appreciating that person for the good in spite of the bad.
- What was the worse offense that you’ve completely forgiven?
My current girlfriend cheated on me with one of my best friends. She is forgiven. He is most certainly not forgiven.
- What was the lowliest offense that you’ve never completely forgiven?
I got totally drunk with a friend of mine and confessed some things in confidence to him, assured he would keep them secret. I just needed to get them off my chest. He blabbed to everyone. I haven’t talked to him since.
- Does forgiveness require forgetting? Does it mean returning relationships back to normal, as if nothing happened? Or can interactions be different, yet offenses still forgiven?
I forgive readily. I never forget. I will always remember what my girlfriend did to me, and it will always affect me and my relationship with her. Always. Go back like nothing ever happened? No way in hell. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. You’ll always need to remember what happened. Learn from it. Do what you can to insure it doesn’t happen again. But don’t expect the relationship to go back to normal… it won’t. Interactions will be different, but as far as I’m concerned that doesn’t mean he’s not forgiven.