Quick! Mother Teresa Needs One More Miracle!

Does anyone recall - quite a few years ago - either Village Voice or Rolling Stone or Reader(?) had a cover story about Mother T…the author did a fine job of linking her with Gadaffi and several other dictators, also went off on her mis-use of donations and her secret luxory quarters far from the slums in India…I remember reading it and thinking the author did a fine job of documenting his story as well.

If anyone else can remember reading this…let me know and I will try to Google my way to a copy!

From The Onion. Unfortunately, they don’t have it on line themselves. The rest of the article can easily be found on line, but I won’t link due to copyright considerations.

She turned me into a newt!

DMark, that article was probably about The Missionary Position, Christopher Hitchens’ anti-Teresa book.

Swampbear is on the right track . . . Can Ma T. take all my gorgeous J. Peterman skirts—bought three years ago—and increase them one dress size, so I can fit into them? Or, better yet, decrease me by one dress size? Pray-us Jay-sus!

I’ve got some new boots that, it’s gonna take a miracle for me to walk in without injury to myself or others, (I’m fine, as long as I can get going pretty fast). So Mama T could set her tiny little ass on my shoulder, and be my part-time guardian angel.

I heard she heeled a dog one time.

And cured a ham.

And I heard a rumor that some of her earlier miracles were actually card tricks. But like really really good ones.

And I’ll just duck in with my second favorite Eric Hoffer quote:

That’s funny, my sig disappeared.

VATICAN CITY (AP) - In a highly publicized event, Vatican officials revealed today the specifics of a miracle which is expected to vault Mother Teresa into the ranks of sainthood as early as Thursday. Cardinal Emile Francisco announced to the gathered crowd “Mother Teresa’s shit don’t stink.”

The revelation fulfills the Catholic church’s last requirement for beatification, which is a miracle proven to have taken place after the subject’s death. Vatican researchers reportedly spent several weeks examining several “coproliths”, essentially petrified feces, reported to have belonged to Mother Teresa, who died in 1997.

“It’s true”, said one member of the research team, “it really has no odor”.

The pope was unable to be reached for comment on whether Mother Teresa’s shit may have stank while she was still alive.

The holy poop will likely be displayed as a sacred relic in one of Calcutta’s many open sewers.

If Ma T. could take us back in time to November 6, 2002, and turn Palm Beach County’s stock of butterfly ballots into nice, neat regular ballots, I’d be ready to canonize her on the spot.

If Mother Teresa is a Chargers fan, one more victory should do it.

Well, I just bought some lipstick today, (CoverGirl Continous Wear Vintage Wine) because it was on sale. I cracked it open in the car, put it on, and it was WAY too pink. Eep. I was embarrassed to walk from the car to my apartment.

But then I got home, ate dinner, and decided to give the lipstick a second go. And…

it looked great. Now I may not know much about Catholics or Whipples or lepers, but I DO know lipstick. And when a stick of lipstick that is on sale CHANGES color, well, it’s enough to make me praise the baby Jesus.

I went to a couple of bars this evening with the idea of getting laid. No miracles yet, but I’ll try again tomorrow and keep you posted.


Please, call this “guaranteeing job security”. :smiley:

Sorry, doesn’t count… unless you prayed to Ma Terry to change its colour.

Some new information has come to light.


I just turned in an algorithms test today. If I get an A, I’ll notify the Vatican immediately.

I hear for the last 8 years she used a single Twinkie as a Bible bookmark.

That’s got to count for something.

“Mama T!” <snort>

I never realized until now that she was the mother of Mr. T.

Hey, wouldn’t her son’s minor comeback as 1-800-COLLECT spokesman count as a miracle?

A real miracle would be the return of Mr. T’s cartoon show…

can she cure my hangover?