Quickest Ways to End Famous Plays

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
21

The Comedy of Errors–“Hey, that must be my long lost twin”

The Taming of the Shrew–“This bitch isn’t worth the money!” ::stalks off::

Julius Caesar–“Bite me, Cassius. You’re just jealous!”

Richard III–“A whore, a whore, my kingdom for a whore!” “Withdraw my lord, I’ll help you to a whore…”

King Lear–“Divide my kingdom among these ungrateful sluts? You must be shitting me!”

Romeo & Juliet-“Romeo.” “Tybalt.” “Romeo.” “Tybalt.” “Romeo, Romeo, Romeo.” “Tybalt, Tybalt, Tybalt.” (Sodomy follows)

Titus Andronicus–They all join a cult and kill themselves (HEY! You tell me what’s the difference between that and what actually happens in the play! They all die anyway!)

The Merchant of Venice–Portia meets Shylock, converts, and discovers that it IS possible to have an orgasm with “deformed” male (Jack Dean Tyler’s beliefs notwithstanding)

Antony and Cleopatra–Cleopatra emasculates Antony in the first scene of the first act, instead us having to sit through a several hour play.

Othello–Desdemona tires of her mixed marriage and runs off with Iago.

Hamlet–Hamlet. Gertrude. Oedipus. 'Nuff said.

The Winter’s Tale–Polixenes and Hermione get it on. Leontes is eaten by a bear.

The Tempest–King Caliban and his concubine Miranda

Macbeth–talks to himself until Duncan wakes up

The Merry Wives of Windsor–“An honor and a pleasure to meet your majesty. What’s that? You’d like to see Sir John Falstaff in love? Fuck you–I don’t do requests!”

22

A Doll’s House: “Macaroons? All the work I do for you and those little brats, and I’m not even allowed to buy a lousy bag of macaroons? Screw this, you fucking control freak, I’m outta here!” [A door slams.]

23

“I have and idea. Let’s all just check ourselves into rehab.” -Long Days Journey Into Night

“My sister’s getting married, so she won’t be able to visit after all” -Streetcar Named Desire

"You want to put on a play based on T.S.Eliot’s poems, involving people dancind around in cat costumes!! That’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard. Get the hell out of my office! -Cats (the ideal ending).

24

Ludwig: On reflection, Your Excellency, I think “The Ring Cycle” would be far better performed by a string quartet in the new chamber music style. Valkeries are so passe.

25

From Romeo and Juliet, Scene 1:

The Prince:

Throw your mistemper’d weapons to the ground,
And hear the sentence of your moved prince.
Three civil brawls, bred of an airy word,
By thee, old Capulet, and Montague,
Have thrice disturb’d the quiet of our streets,
And made Verona’s ancient citizens
Cast by their grave beseeming ornaments,
To wield old partisans, in hands as old,
Canker’d with peace, to part your canker’d hate.

You will not disturb our streets again,
BLAM, BLAM, RATATATATA, BOOM, BOOM, BLAM, BLAM!!!

Ok, boys, our work here is done, back to the castle.

Hermit

26

Anna and Alice (together): Bastards!
Dan and Larry (together): Bitches!

Closer, by Patrick Marber
Henry: Sorry, what’s so insulting about tennis balls , i don’t get it?

Henry V
First Witch. When shall we three meet again
In thunder, lightning, or in rain?

Second & Third Witches: actually, i’m a bit busy…

Macbeth

27

Is it just me or could most Shakespear plays just end with a taping of the Jerry Springer Show?

Hamlet… check
“Wives who kill their Husbands to marry family and the Sons who will kill them all”

Romeo & Juilet… check
“Teenage runaways”

A Midsummer’s Night Dream… check
“People who try to play matchmaker, and the lives they ruin”

Julius Caesar… check
“Betrayed by my best friend”

need I go on?
broccoli!

28

“Mozart? Don’t like his music all that much,” Saleri in Amadeus

“The Japanese are strafing the camp!” South Pacific

“What? I’m not having any colored man drive my car!” Daisy in Driving Miss Daisy

“Your family is nuts. I can’t marry you.” Tony in You Can’t Take it With You

“You’re right! Rabbits don’t talk! What was I thinking?” Elwood P. Dows in Harvey

“I quit. I don’t like all the office politics around here,” J. Pierpont Finch, How to Succeed in Business Without Really Trying.

“And Johnson is out! Burns retains his championship!” Ring announcer in The Great White Hope

29

Porter (Victoria station, Brighton line): “Guv, I’ve cleaned out the cloak room and chucked all the handbags and other crap into the gargage compactor like you said” - The Importance of Being Earnest

30

let’s tell the police about the girl that died
-An Inspector Calls

I did it
-The Mousetrap

Brother, I really don’t like you…guards, take him away…
-The Prequel (Episode I) to Hamlet…

31

“Bible, schmible. Hey, Drummond, let’s find a bar and try to snag us some chicks.” -Matthew Harrison Brady, Inherit the Wind.

Sandy ditches Danny and Rizzo ditches Kenicky and they become lesbians and get Her’s and Her’s towels.-Grease.
(admittedly, I stole that one from a Star Wars humor site, just changed the names).

32

to any disney kid, in a disney “family” movie:
“Look you smart ass, I don’t care what you think! We are not going to do it! Forget it! I don’t care if we all die!”
followed by being gagged and dumped in the trunk.

Law and Order: I did it! I confess!
L&O:SVU: I did it! [BLAM!] [THUD] “He’s dead.”

Practice: They all get thrown in jail for contempt, disbarred, and end up in the gutter.

33

The Unsinkable Molly Brown–“I’m going down for the third time!”

“The fiddler on the–crash…”

34

Juilius Caeser Beware the Ides of March? OK love, I’ll stay in that day

Merchant of VeniceAntonio: Here’s my ships now
Shylock: Bugger

An Inspector CallsI’ll have to see some ID before I let you in

35

**Picket Fences{/b]: “I defer to the decision of the jury.”–Judge Bone

Porgy and Bess: Sportin’ Life gets shot by Porgy.

**A Long Day’s Journey into Night{/b] Anyone saying. “I am sick and tired of wallowing in self-pity with you guys!! I am getting me some help, then I’m outta here!!”

36

“I don’t want the operation.”–Charlie, Flowers for Algernon

37

“I don’t care what the Oracle says, we are keeping the baby!” -Oedipus Rex

“Okay Antigone, If you care about your brother that much, bury the little son of a bitch!” Creon, - Antigone

“Let the old biddy keep the dog. All he ever does is pee on the rug!” Dorothy, -Wizard of Oz.

“Gee Dad, it’s to bad they were all killed in the shipwreck.” -The Tempest

“No way Felix. No way are you moving in with me. Either make up with your wife or get a hotel room.” Oscar, -THe Odd Couple

“I don’t like apples!” Eve

38

Please do! I’d love to hear your interpretation of Cymbeline and Love’s Labours Lost! :stuck_out_tongue:

39

I didn’t want to go to America anyway. -Peig Saor, peig

40

12 Angry Men: “Ok, whatever, guilty, just get me off jury duty.”