“Where’s my handkerchief?” --Desdemona, Othello
“Why thank you, Professor Higgins! After one lesson I find I can speak perfectly!” --Eliza, Pygmalion
“(singing)Why thank you, Professor Higgins! After one lesson I find I can speak perfectly!” --Eliza, My Fair Lady
“Godot! What’s up?” --Vladimir and/or Estragon, Waiting for Godot
Any others?
“Juliet, I saw you talking with Romeo at the ball. Someone wanted to throw him out, but I told them not to, because I think he’s a fine young man. Why don’t you marry him, and put an end to this stupid family fued?” - Juliet’s father
“Pretty words are nice, but give me a man with a really big . . . nose anytime,” Roxanne in Cyrano de Bergerac.
“Chris. What say we just go back to the barracks and play some cards?” -John Miss Saigon
“So Mom, you married my uncle … well, I think I can resign myself to that.”
–Hamlet
Sheridan Whiteside slips on the ice and breaks his leg. He is rushed to the hospital and stays there. – The Man who Came to Dinner
“F*ck this. Where’d we put the bong?” --any play you want
If you’re ever in London, check out the Reduced Shakespeare Company. They’re Americans, even!
You’ll laugh SO hard. A hint: Othello, the Rap Version.
IIRC - correct me if I’m wrong, DRY
Hamlet sees father's ghost on battlements.
Walks toward him.
Steps off wall, splat.I love the RSC. Haven’t seen 'em in person, but some friends of mine did The Complete History of William Shakespeare, Abridged and were fantastic.
“Oob.”
Twelfth Night
Viola: I have something that I really have to tell you. I’m actually a woman. I feel really bad about putting you on, but I hope you understand why I had to do it. Can we all still be friends?
“Sorry, but I prefer younger women. You’re old enough to be my mother!” – Oedepus, Oedepus Rex
“That’s for pointing that out, Dr. Stockmann. We’ll shut down the baths immediately.” – The mayor, An Enemy of the People
“Screw it. I’ve got better things to do than track down one lousy escaped criminal.” – Inspecter Javert, Les Miserables
“Someone’s opening a can of tuna!” – Cats
“Your parents are dead, kid. Get over it.” Daddy Warbucks, Annie
“Sorry, kids. The show’s couldn’t find a backer. Auditions cancelled.” The director, A Chorus Line
“I’ll pass on Iowa; I just don’t know the territory.” Howard Hill, The Music Man
“You call that singing? This family should stick to what it knows best.” Captain von Trapp, The Sound of Music
“He flunked his physical! The army doesn’t want him!” Albert, Bye Bye Birdie
“No one is that insolent in front of the king. Off with her head.” The King and I
“We’ll all just have to agree to disagree.” Roshomon
“Elsinore? I’m not going there! The food sucks, it’s snowing like hell and Hamlet hasn’t spoken to us in years! Let’s head to the South of France instead” - R&G Rosencrantz & Guildenstern are Dead
“You know, if my husband dies, then I get to be Queen!” -Lady M Macbeth
Puck turns everyone into donkeys Midsummer Night’s Dream
Exuent Antigonus. Bear stays behind to chow down on the baby. The Winter’s Tale
Hamlet gets an army, and blows the snot out of his uncle, taking over the country easily.
Macbeth, happy to have two fiefdoms to run, tells his wife to jump off a cliff, he’s busy enough. She realises he’s right, and gives up on being Queen.
Lear sees a shrink.
Othello decks Iago.
“Screw this, I’m not waiting for this Godot a$$hole.”
“Romeo, darling. You’re cute, but let’s just be friends, okay?”
“Guess what, honey? I just closed a multi-million dollar sale! My boss said they’re going to give me a huge bonus and make me a partner!” – Willie Loman, Death of a Salesman
“Man, this place sucks since the Nazis came to power! I’m outta here!” – Chris, Cabaret
“Joseph, we don’t mind that you’re dad’s favorite. You’re our favorite, too!” – Any brother, Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat
“Jack, I’m glad you’re here. I have to tell you that I love you.” – Algernon, The Importance of Being Earnest
“Maybe I’ll buy goldfish instead.” – Tippi Hedren, The Birds
Marc: “Serge, that’s a really nice painting.”
Yvan: “I agree.” - Art
And ditto on the RSC ‘Complete Works’ - local company did that one two years in a row*, and is ending the second year rendition of "The Complete History of America (Abridged) - The New Expanded Reduced Millenium Version. [The PC’ed version of “The Star-Spangled Banner” is great.]
“Oob.”
However, I doubt they’ll be doing “The Bible - The Word of God Abridged”, as amusing as it seems.
grin Love it…
Actually, I think I can top all of these, with a famous play that ends so quick that the characters don’t even need to say a word.
Exit, by Jean-Paul Sartre.
ummm… on second thought, I’ll just stay home. It looks like it’s starting to snow. – The Wiz
Les Miserables
Valjean plea bargains his way to time served for stealing a loaf of bread, and opens a bakery.
Dysart to Alan Strang:
“I would’ve done the same thing.”
–Equus