Quitting smoking sucks donkey balls

The BBQ Pit
1

I like smoking. No, I love smoking. After a good meal, while driving, while on the phone, while relaxing, when I’m stressed, after sex, I love smoking. I love the taste, I love the sensation, and I love how it can relax me when I’m wound up. I love using the cigarette as a pointer in conversations. I love it. I’ve been smoking for almost 30 years and I abso-fucking-lutely love it.

Now, I am quitting smoking for the umpteenth time. I’ve quit before for various reasons (bets, bad colds, money was tight, whatever). I’ve decided I’m going to do it again. Cold turkey. No more. Not another puff. I hate it.

I hate it with a vengeance. I hate the nervous tics and tremors I’m getting. I hate the cravings for a cigarette. I hate the desire to eat just so I can do something about the oral fixation. I hate the way m

My days seem to drag because I am not taking smoke breaks. I hate the irritability.
No, it’s not irritability. Being irritable is when you are annoyed by lousy drivers. I found that I am going off about minor things like a piece of lint that was stuck to my shirt when I pulled it out of the dryer. I lost my temper when I couldn’t find a matching Tupperware ® lid and so I threw every last fucking piece of kitchenware out of the cabinet and kicked them across the floor. I blew up at the moronic TV programming and the fuckwit executives hiring goddamn chimpanzees to write scripts.

I exploded when I found that our stupid fucking gerbil decided that last night would be the perfect time to just die for no reason. It wasn’t sick, abused, mistreated or given to Richard Gere but last night it had to fucking croak. I had to calmly tell my 6 year old daughter that Cinnamon (or Honey, or Ginger. She changed it’s name once a week) had gone to that great Habitrail in the sky. We then had to bury the fucking rodent. First we had to dig through the snow, then the frozen ground, plant the little rat, cover it up and say a prayer for it’s soul. I deserve an Academy Award for how I acted. Best Performance by a Father Suffering from Nicotine Withdrawal at a Pet’s Funeral.

The world sucks. Everything and everybody sucks. If OBL nuked the city I’d fucking cheer because the whole city is filled with dolts, morons and shitheads. I’d even push the button for him! Nuke ‘em all from orbit. It’s the only way to be sure. Good idea, sparky.

I’m using every last bit of self-control I have to not take this out on my wife and kids. I have been clenching my teeth so hard that I can feel my molars being sanded smooth from friction. My jaw muscles are getting Charlie horses.

Quitting smoking is the worst fucking torture. Prisoners have actually rioted when penitentiaries were made smoke free. I’d rather be on a non-stop around the world flight while strapped into a coach seat in between an overweight insurance salesman with halitosis and a hyperactive 7 year old with an unlimited supply of sugar. I’d rather have my dentist give me a root canal with rusty gardening implements and no anesthetic. I’d rather have my father-in-law come live with me (he combines the worst qualities of Fred Flintstone, Ralph Kramden and Archie Bunker). I’d rather be forced to watch a marathon session of The Anna Nicole Show followed by every Police Academy movie ever made, including the outtakes.

God, I need a smoke.

2

Why are you going cold turkey then? I used Zyban and quitting smoking was a cinch.

3

First of all: Good for you! Hooray for taking steps to do a healthy thing!

Second of all: Jesus that fucking sucks. I’m a nonsmoker, but you’ve made it really clear to me what a challenge it is to quit. I applaud you for not taking it out on your wife and kids. I have to believe that it’s not going to be this horrible forever… but can leave that assessment up to other Dopers who have experience with quitting.

Healthy Lung Olives,
Christy

4

Sending supporting thoughts your way! I hope you make it!

5

Meh. All 30+ prisons in our system eventually all went smoke-free by last fall without a disturbance.

Giving up nicotine sux bigtime, though.

6

You’ve got my sympathy. I’ve tried to quit a few times now, and I could never do it-- mostly because I didn’t really want to quit. Like you, I just enjoy it too much.

Look at it this way, once you’ve finally managed to get it out of your system, you’ll have an enormous accomplishment to be proud of: you’ll have succeeded where most don’t, and you’ll know that you can do anything you set your mind to do.

Good luck to you.

7

You may have just convinced me to never quit until the day I die.

Other than that, though, you have my sympathies. My mom, when she quit, found that the neighbor’s punching bag helped things a lot.

~Tasha

8

Actually, this is a fallacy of sorts. It’s not the smoking or the cigarette that relaxes you, given that nicotine is a stimulant, but the deep breathing associated with it. One of the “tricks” I employed to get me through the worst part of quitting, was pretending to smoke, right down to holding my fingers in a V, pressing them to my lips, deeply sucking in air, holding it a few seconds, then releasing the breath slowly. I still, nearly 5 years later, have to remind myself to do deep breathing from time to time, which came without thought when I did it as a smoker. [

](http://www.quitsmokingsupport.com/breathing.htm)

Another trick I used was to get bottled water with a sport top, which necessitated sucking on it to get the water out. It was an excellent replacement in that it solved the oral fixation without using food, gave me something to hold, and was a great way to flush my system of toxins at the same time.

Best of luck to you! You will be SO much happier when you aren’t enslaved to those nasty cancer sticks.

9

I need to see the doctor soon anyway so I can talk to her about maybe trying it. I’m currently on Ritalin and Zoloft (adult ADD and mild depression) so I need to find out if I can switch from Zoloft to Zyban/Wellbutrin. Not to mention that Wellbutrin doesn’t interfere with Mr. Happy doing his thing!

Thanks for the words of support, folks. I’m going to buy some cinnamon sticks today, also. The last time I quit, I started chewing on them. They are the same size and shape as a cigarette (which helps the psychological “pointing” need), are not bad to chew (for the oral fixation) and the cinnamon makes cigarettes taste like shit if my will ever falters. I’ll also try the water bottle.

Tasha, where does your mom live so I can use her neighbor as a punching bag? :wink: I’m afraid that if I started punching things now that I won’t stop until I’ve reduced it to a pile of material.

10

as a former 20 year smoker, I absolutely agree, quitting sucks worse that almost anything. I have felt that burning rage that only a smoker feels when quitting, and I’d rather be waterboarded than have to go through that again. Last time I tried to quit, I got so pissed off that I punched a wall and broke my hand.

That said, there are a number of things (patch, Wellbutrin, gum, etc…) that can take that edge off. I did not use them, but my brother, a smoker of 30 years like yourself, did and he has been successful for 2 months now. If it’s like that for you, you will not only be doing yourself a favor, but your family as well!

I took the cold turkey route 1/1/07 and while it was not easy, it has been worth it. And I haven’t even come close to punching any more walls this time. Be strong, flex that willpower and take it day by day, and even minute by minute if you have to.

11

toothpicks (mint or cinnamon) might help.

after that, it sounds like ECT is the best solution!

12

My doctor has been prescribing the new drug, Chantix. She says her patients have done really well with it. A friend of a friend is on it, and says her desire to smoke has disappeared. Apparently the drug acts on the same receptors in your brain that nicotine affects.

I’m going to try it, but probably not until spring.

Good luck to you!

13

Sunflower seeds. Asthma inhaler. Popcorn. Gum.

I ate so many damn sunflower seeds. Pounds and pounds.

I learned how to be the most obnoxious gum snapper.

Asthma inhaler helped because you’d get a hit of something into your lungs.

Haven’t smoked for 11 years, but I am stubborn as a mule.

14

Good for you for toughing it out. The first few days/weeks are the worst. I had my last cigarette 2 years ago and here are a couple of tricks…

When you take your shower, after you’re all finished washing and rinsing, gradually turn the water to cool (as much as is reasonable in the winter where you are) and then give yourself a good scrub with a loofa under the cool water. Gets the circulation going and helps get the nicotine out of your system.

When you want your cigarette breaks at work take a walk instead. Walk around the building or around the parking lot or if the weather’s bad walk the stairs, hell, pace around your cubicle if you have to. Drop and do 20 pushups every time you want to light up, keep a set of hand weights at your desk and do bicep curls. My ex used to do pushups in his cubicle at work when he got stressed. Everyone thought he was a total badass (he was bad and an ass but that’s another story)

Make sure you get plenty of fluids, water, juice, etc. Helps flush nicotine from your system.

The nicotine is gone from your system in a fairly short amount of time (IIRC 72 hours?) after that it’s the psychological cravings. Stop telling yourself you’ve given up something you love. You’re setting yourself up for failure. Remind yourself, over and over, why you chose to quit. Remember your wife and kids and how happy they’ll be when you don’t smoke yourself into an early grave. (like my dad did who died when he was just 55 after smoking 2 packs a day for 30 + years)

Good luck. Best wishes. It’s tough but you can do it.

15

I usually avoid smoking threads when I can, but I thought I would pop in and say that every time I see the thread title, I read it “Quit smoking donkey balls!” Some sort of workplace rant, I’m thinking.

16

I have to admit, that’s a method I hadn’t heard of. If it works for you, though, donkey balls it is.

When I quit 30 years ago, there weren’t patches or Zyban, and I didn’t know donkey balls helped. Flavored toothpicks were good, but I forgot to remove the toothpick when I greeted my girlfriend with a kiss. That was the end of the toothpicks.

It took several tries to quit. The last time, I tried a trick I’d heard of. Before the day of The Last Smoke, I opened a pack, and put it on a high shelf to get stale. A week later, I quit. A week after that, I had to have a cigarette. So, I reached for that special pack. When I lit the stale, dry, cigarette, I took a huge honking lungful, as if I were smoking something else. :cool: It tasted so bad, and the enormous puff hit me so hard, :eek: that I put it out and never went back.

17

The problem is I wouldn’t have cared. One time I was so desperate for a smoke (this was the last time I quit, a couple years ago) that I went scrounging through my wife’s car looking for a cigarette (she no longer smokes). I found a crumpled pack at the bottom of the armrest. Perfume had spilled on it. I still lit up that Obsession-soaked Virginia Slims Ultra Light that had probably been in there at least 3 months. It tasted wonderful.

And don’t knock smoking donkey balls until you’ve tried it! For that matter, you shouldn’t knock smoking donkey balls because they are hot and you’ll get ashes on yourself. Lightly tap them instead.

18

During my 25 years of smoking, I said the same thing. And unfortunately, it wasn’t until I managed to get that line of complete and utter bullshit out of my head that I finally quit for good.

If you want to keep this up, you’ve got to get rid of two of the biggest lies you’ve ever been told:
Lie #1) You like smoking.
Lie #2) Quitting is difficult.

#1) Bullshit. You like that quick hit of nicotine that has its hold on you. You can’t stand every other part of it. You hate spending more on smokes than you would on the payment for a brand-new car. You hate the way people look at you like you’re a fucking leper when you light up. You hate having to stand outside when it’s seven degrees, just so you can get your fix. You hate that most movies are now running 3+ hours, because how the hell are you supposed to go that long without a smoke, anyway? You fucking hate everything about it, and soon you’ll laugh at all the bullshit excuses you told yourself about why you “love it”.

#2) Double Bullshit. Quitting is easy. Just don’t fucking do it anymore. Typical reply: “That’s easy for you to say!” Damn right it is…it’s easy as hell for anyone who has gone 72 hours without a smoke. Because once you hit that three-day point, it’s all in your head. There are no more physical symptoms hitting you after that. Do you wake up in the morning and instantly think “Oh my God, I’m dying for a smoke!”? No? Why not? You haven’t had one in, what, six, eight hours? The only thing that makes it seem hard is the finality of it. Once you wrap your head around the idea of “This thing that I have done for the past 30 years? I am never going to do this thing again”, it freaks you out. Perfectly understandable, but keep in mind that you’ve been lied to all your life. Every time someone told you how hard it is, every time some drug company drilled it into your head that you could never quit without their miracle product, you were being told a bunch of crap. Nicotine is not powerfully addictive, and the sooner you realize that, the sooner you’ll be free.

A few other key points:
–You’re not trying to quit. You already did it. Things will go much easier for you if you keep in mind that you’re a non-smoker now.
–If anyone you know pulls the “Oh, you’re quitting? But look how gooood this smoke I’m having is…don’t you waaaaant one?”, you have my full permission to punch them in the throat. If they want to piss away their cash on something that makes them smell like ass, that’s their problem. You don’t do that crap anymore.
–If you need to berate someone and yell about how badly this experience sucks, or if you just need to talk to someone who has been there, my e-mail is in my profile…let me know and I’ll gladly shoot you my number.

19

I concur. You may still think from time to time, “Man, I’d like a smoke right now.” But whenever you think that, the next thing you should think is, “No. No, I really don’t want one. I’ve quit.” You only have to conquer one small urge at a time.

20

Absoultely…urges are gone within minutes. Cracking and buying a pack that “I’ll only smoke one from” can set you back years.