Let’s just preface this by saying that as a left-wing political activist, I detest and work strongly against racism in the community and would be extremely distressed to find out that I was somehow being racist. That said, I hope that my fellow Dopers can help me with a perplexing quandary.
I am not sexually attracted to men of certain races. I just can’t help it. The thought of having sex with members of these races turns me off. I’m terrified that this means that I am a racist, but then again I’m not sexually attracted to bald men, men over forty, gym queens, clones, etc., and I don’t think that these represent a prejudice so much as a taste. Nevertheless, I want to hear other people’s point of view. Am I a racist? Or is “sex partner” simply not an equal-opportunity position?
Question two: is there any polite way to ask someone’s race or skin colour in a chat room? I mean, I can ask anything from age to penis size to weight to pet fetishes without embarrassment. But race? I just can’t think of a good way to ask. As it stands, I mention my own skin colour when someone asks for my stats, and I try to deduce the other guy’s via secondary characteristics (hair and eye colour) or by asking for a photo. But this does not always work.
BTW, please don’t bug me about being superficial. I know I’m being superficial. We’re talking about casual sex here, not a friendship, love affair, or whatever. You may be sure that I try very hard to treat everybody equally in day-to-day life (see above).
Hey, Martin Luther King’s wife was black, and if he were totally color-blind, that would only have a 12-14% chance of being true.
In all seriousness, I think life partner is not an equal-opportunity position, as you said. One criterion for romantic love is physical attraction, and people have tons of imponderable reasons to be attracted to someone. If your only concern were race, i.e. if you thought the ugliest white person were better-looking than the gorgeousest (new word!) black person, that would be pretty weird. Who’s better-looking … Danny DeVito or Denzel Washington? The female lead from A Rage in Harlem or that lily-white 50-year-old with the double chin who works at the DMV and gives you a fake smile with missing teeth and maroon lipstick?
Okay, those are kinda dumb examples, but you get the point. Frankly, all physical attraction criteria are pretty superficial: some people like muscular people, some like plump people, some (lots) like skinny people. Big deal. Race is a big enough thang in U.S. culture to permeate way too many of our thoughts about one another, but it’s natural to expect it to make it’s way into something as naturally superficial as beauty.
Incidentally, I think it’s kind of weird that so many people I know, mainly white people, have a positive aethetic opinions about certain races. I’ve heard, “Black men are just so hot I could never think about dating white guys again.” I’ve heard, “I really think Asian chics are sexy.” You don’t hear, “I don’t think Aleuts are sexy” very often because unsexiness just isn’t very noteworthy.
A funny one is the nearly universal positive reaction I’ve heard to people with African-esque skin tone and European-esque features … “Check out the woman from Brazil! She is hot!” I’ve also heard it said about Ethiopians.
Nothing I write about any person or group should be applied to a larger group.
By the way, matt, I just re-read your post and realized I had been replying to you as if you were looking for a life partner. If it’s just a casual affair, then I suppose physical attraction would count doubly, since mutual interests, compatible life plans, etc., don’t really fit in as much.
No, you’re not a racist Matt. Whomever pleases your eye (or any other parts of your anatomy, for that matter…) is entirely up to you. If you start shouting “Nigger, get out of my seat !” while getting on the bus, I suppose you’re a racist. If you just think to yourself, “Hmmmm. Black man. Doesn’t do anything for me”, well that’s just fine.
Unless you’re gonna start TELLING people you don’t feel attracted to them because of their race… then you’d better run your buns of, mate
heatherlee started this same exact thread a few months ago and got blasted for it. Unfairly, I thought. I think it’s silly for someone to say, “I only like blondes,” but people do and i don’t think they are showing hairacism (SAT word)… If someone is not attracted to something for matters carnal, well, we’re a funny breed, us humans.
It’s when you treat someone differently in normal situations, or feel differently, that you broach the line into racism.
I could care less about someone being a bit heavy, or even flat-out obese. But I do not want to date a 300 pound woman. I don’t think that means I’m prejudiced against obese people…
Hey Matt, I don’t think you are a racist. An easy way to ask is to ask about their hair (straight, curly etc), hair color, and eye color. I see the dilemma that you are having with feeling like a racist. Go after who you are attracted to, not who you feel pressured to date.
I agree. I’ve dated whites, Hispanics, and Asians, but I’ve never been with a black woman.
Why? No real reason, except I haven’t known that many black women long enough to consider asking them out. I’m shy, and it takes me awhile to get my courage up.
I rule nothing out; it simply hasn’t happened yet.
As far as the OP being racist? Doesn’t sound like it in your case.
I think if an individual doesn’t feel attracted to a certain type of person, you have to ask why he/she isn’t attracted. The answer will determine if they’re predjudiced or not.
lol this is too funny…so why dont you guys call this person predjudice like you called me, when I said the same thing basically. Rather amusing I think
Who called you that, Heather? Did you say you wouldn’t date humans? Only Evil Demigods? Or what? That wasn’t very nice of them. Maybe the were confusing you with Grand High Troglodyte HeatherLimp of the United Klams of Karolina?
Jeez, Heather, you still don’t get the difference between saying “I’m not attracted to people of another race” and “I will not date someone of another race”?
Satan, you yourself admitted on that thread that that comment of Heather’s was racist.
Boris B - There is a thread around here that heatherlee started, and in it she was accused of racism, as was I for agreeing with the notion (if not the sentiment).
The issue is that she didn’t word it with as many personal ideals as the OP here did, but again, the sentiment was the same.
Well Satan, since the thread mysteriously disappeared I’ve no way to prove it, but my memory is that you did acknowledge that it was racist to say “I won’t date someone of another race.”
Anyway, it isn’t semantics at all. Heather made it very clear in that thread that she is morally/philosophically opposed to dating nonwhites. She didn’t even get around to bringing up the “attraction” thing until maybe her third post on the subject - it very clearly wasn’t her primary concern.
ruadh
why dont you ask me what my primary concern was you piece of shit? Like you even fucking know me! And for you to call me racist, you sound like you have some pretty fucked up issues of your own to contend with, so instead of bitching about me take care of yourself and YOUR problems
as for Satan, he NEVER called me racist EVER so keep your fat ass nose in your OWN business…lol more people might like you (although I doubt that)
also hmm does the fact I have dated mexicans before make me not predjudice? or maybe the fact that I wont screw animals makes me predjudice against animals ? lol grow up get a life please. and do us all a favor keep your trap shut
First of all Heather I didn’t call you racist, nor did I say Brian did.
Now then. You came on this board and started a thread in which you announced to everyone that you wouldn’t date outside your race. What the hell kind of reaction did you expect?
OK. If the main issue is that you simply aren’t attracted to non-whites, why didn’t it even occur to you to mention physical attraction until a few posts in? Honest question.
'cause I mean, when someone asks me why I feel a particular way about something, I don’t offer my primary concern in a manner that suggests it’s just an afterthought.
To make this a more positive topic, some of you could list a race that you DO find attractive, outside of your own. I’ll start. In my younger days I thought Asian women were attractive. Just didn’t happen to meet any that were otherwise interesting.And available.
As long as you treat people with dignity and respect, I don’t see how not being attracted to them is an act of racism. I may not date black women, but I treat them as my equals. I don’t feel obligated to date them simply because they are black.
– Sylence
And now, for my next trick, I will talk in spooky half-references.
