I’m trying to figure out how to avoid offending/annoying people. And I am apparently at a disadvantage because I have never seen the situations you describe , where multiple people are making the same mistake apparently based on race and where the person is being confused with multiple other people rather than just one. Of course, that doesn’t mean it doesn’t happen, just that I haven’t seen it. (and it’s almost certainly related to the demographics of my office, which is overwhelmingly non-white)
On preview- your story about Amy might help me explain better. If I’m Amy, I’d be embarrassed about calling you by your coworker’s name even if all three of us are the same race. But if all three of us are the same race, I’d probably say hello to you by name next time , even if I’m only pretty sure I’ve got your name right. But now I’m wondering if it would be better in a cross-racial situation to just avoid using your name unless I’m damn sure I’ve got it right and find some other way to point out that I’m talking to you personally. Something like “Hi ! How’s the (project assigned to monstro) going?” Which is what I do when I completely blank out on people’s names but remember which office they work in or what kind of work they do .
Well, no. It wouldn’t be better if you avoided saying my name altogether. Being potentially embarrassed isn’t a good reason to stilt your social interactions like that, especially since it’s really not that big of a deal. Being a grown-up means learning to deal with minor annoyances like people screwing up your name. And it also means recognizing that you will unintentionally annoy someone by getting their name wrong. You don’t need to do anything more than apologize and move on. Being weird about it just makes it worse.
When people get my name wrong (whether because they’ve mistaken me for my black coworker or some other reason), they can always smooth things over by apologizing and saying something self-deprecating like, “I’m terrible with names.” This is what I do when I mess up. You don’t need to walk on egg shells or avoid speaking to me like a normal person. Amy didn’t have to give me an explanation for why she called me the wrong name. I knew she didn’t mean it and that she’s still a good person.
I really liked that Amy wanted to address me by name, even if she got the name wrong. It’s the thought that counts.
