Random acts of Asshattery

The BBQ Pit
41

To the old hippie couple at the movies Sunday afternoon: I’m glad that you’re still so in love with one another that you’ll cuddle during the show. However, Mr. Old Hippie, at 6’ 2", your head sticks up above the seat enough that you’ll block the view for those behind you. My daughter and son and I all switched places when y’all sat in front of us (plenty of other seats in the theater for all involved) without a word to you, because, hey, it seemed like the path of least resistance. Your wife’s head stuck up in front of me, but I sat fully upright and could see over her.

But… when you lean over, put your head on top of your wife’s head for the mid-movie cuddle, and when doing so blocks my being able to see 1/3 of the screen, and I’m already sitting as upright in my seat as humanly possible while still maintaining the ass-seat contact interface, I will whisper a polite request for you to move your head.

Blocking the view of those behind you is an asshat thing to do. Looking at me like I’m the asshat when I call you on it just makes you a clueless asshat.

42

We had some Hitachi guy come in to look at our storage area network. I’ve seen this guy before and HE TALKS REALLY LOUD. AND he has that really annoying Virginia/Maryland accent.

So, he comes in the office and

  1. has a yelling conversation with a guy down the hall.

Dude, where do you think you are? There are people here, on the phone, with clients. I didn’t say anything but I definitely gave him a look that said exactly that.

  1. has a yelling conversation with someone on his cell phone. In the office. In the middle of four cubicles, with people working, and obviously distracted.

I finally went over to him and asked if he could have his conversation elsewhere and that people were on the phone with important clients.

43

I’ve found that it’s because Suburbans and the like have a hard time seeing over my Grand Am.

44

This would generate, on it’s own, about 2 billion episodes of Cops, where we’d see the poor pulled over “victim” ranting about how the police officer could be out catching rapists and other “real criminals” rather than harassing them.

45

Wait - what? Isn’t that exactly what he should do? I absolutely fucking HATE it when cars do this and I’m approaching in the left-hand lane. How do I know he’s only going in the right-hand lane after turning? I have to trust that he’s not going to drive straight into my lane and hit me?

46

It wasn’t much…maybe a foot or two at the most. Just enough for her to wedge herself in. I’m not sure why it matters, though…I was clearly in line.

47

Gah! Again today…with a twist. I was in the right hand land and he was in the go straight lane, he kept pulling forward. And we were at a stop light! I was making a right on red and he kept pulling out across the limit line while I was trying to see beyond him.

48

That’s funny. Elenfair, I know in RL it’s horrible, but in my mind - funny. Besides, maybe he meant put a net below them and rubber bullet them down. :wink:

49

I have a better idea (and yes I’ve been thinking about this for a while).

We don’t need specially designated Asshole Cops. We can deputize everybody by issuing them Asshole Guns. These guns don’t shoot bullets; they work like the emitters in laser tag. You see somebody doing something obnoxious, you paint them with the asshole gun. Your action goes to a central database. If you’re the only person who does this, if your target is not painted by anyone else within, say, two minutes, the record disappears. However, if the target is painted by three different shooters within that two-minute window, then the driver receives an Asshole Ticket, and a fifty-dollar fine. If five shooters paint the target, it’s a hundred-dollar fine. If there is consistent painting, say three shooters per minute for a sustained five minutes, then a patrolman is dispatched to see firsthand what’s going on.

And if you paint more than ten other drivers in an hour, then you’re the asshole and you get fined.

Obviously, this kind of system wasn’t technically feasible until, well, more or less right now. But the technology exists, and once a few logistical hurdles are worked out, I think this would work remarkably well. The cost of designing the system and issuing the hardware, for example, would almost certainly be recouped by the resulting fines after just one year.
I’m only partly kidding about this, too.

50

Ten an hour? Good grief, around here you could paint ten a minute and still only be scratching the surface of the number of assholes on the roads!

51

Well, I’m willing to consider, let’s call them, refinements… :wink:

52

Some days I just want to ram some people with my car.

Traffic light approaching. Red light, green right turn arrow. I’m in the right turn only lane. As I get to the intersection, the total fucking moron stopped at the red light (in the go-straight lane to my left) turns right directly in front of me. Asshole is damn lucky I had time to slam on the brakes.

53

Roadworks. 8:45am, busy city street. Can’t it fucking wait 20 minutes for all of you to tool about scratching your collective arses and leave the lane unblocked?

54

I really hope I don’t come off racist in this post. Honestly, I love all races. But I fucking hate some languages. Topping the list is Spanish. I don’t know what it is, but Spanish grates on my nerves like little else. (Greek, Mandarin, and Creole run close seconds.)

So the other day, I get on the trolley, and it is crowded beyond imagining. I’m talking the kind of crowded where I’m squeezed up against the door and one butt cheek is shut between the doors. The kind of crowded where everyone learns quickly to become a contortionist, as fitting in is something resembling Tetris.

And there is this lump of useless flesh sitting – not standing, mind you – on the steps in the middle of the doorway. People had to literally climb over her to get on the train. But could they step behind her? Fuck no! Her suitcase, which was approximately the size of Nebraska, was lying – not standing, mind you – behind her. She and her fucking state-sized luggage took up the space of at least 4 people. And all the while, she was chatting away on her cell in a loud, Brenda Vacarro-like raspy voice. In goddam Spanish. Talking – not listening, mind you. Constant, unceasing, mindless, irritating chatter.

At one point she need something from her Tourister Cornhusker bag, and stood up, turned around, and shoved her ass directly into my stomach. Did she buy me dinner first? Fuck no, she just pinned me against the door and squeezed out a couple of my kidneys. When she turned back around, she didn’t even acknowledge my bloody organs on the steps.

When we finally got to my stop, I thought at least now I could get away from the bitch. And seeing as how I was not only closest to the door, but pretty much merged with it, I should be the first one off, right? Wrong. Goddam Juanita barreled right through, jamming Omaha into my knee and Lincoln into my groin. But not swiftly, mind you. She took a good 30 seconds exiting, blocking everyone else from doing the same.

And she never shut up the whole time.

55

Where exactly did she stick the ‘penis of the plains’?

56

Mine is aimed at my grandmother, with whom I have had the privilege of eating for the past week.

She’s a diet freak, so she asks a zillion questions about everything on the menu. If you remember Sally from When Harry Met Sally, you have a good idea of what I’m talking about. We’re all hungry and she’s giving the server the third degree about stuff he doesn’t know and is not willing to ask the cook.

Robin

57

I don’t kiss and tell.

58

Love this thread.

People that don’t use their turn signals/indicators - I’m not a f’g mind reader. Let me know you f’g intentions.

I thought LA was bad about this. But after living in the Dallas area for 6 months, I’m convinced these people are the worse drivers ever. At least in LA, everyone is 10 - 15 miles per hour over the speed limit. Here, it’s one or two not using turn indicators and bopping in and out of traffic along with the other “normal” drivers bopping in and out of lanes not using their turn indicators.

And what the hell is up with driving 10 miles per hour under the speed limit. I almost got ran into by a semi, because some Ahole was doing 55 in the fast line in a 65 zone.

59

But by your description, you didn’t get a kiss.