Mr. Klein - Always remember that accusations hurt…and if they turn out to be wrong, it’s you who’s going to be hurting. Slander is no joke. No prob, pal, live and learn. That’s the point of childhood, get all the stupid rookie mistakes out of your system. Just keep your eyes open and your nose clean and you’ll be fine.
Kayla - These type of guys are so happy to have any kind of action, they’re not going to risk cheesing you off. I’m sure he got the message. You’re cool.
Crazy Tommy - Ever hear the expression “Better a has-been than a never-was”? Look in the mirror, pal. You want to amount to anything, you need to focus on YOUR life, YOUR friends, YOUR skills. And don’t party so much. It really messes with your sleep schedule.
Chip - Look, I know where you’re coming from. You see guys like Donald Trump and Rush Limbaugh and think that jerkiness is the key to success. What you haven’t realized is that they have a lot of other things going for them. Education, connections, money, charisma, influence. You have none of that. Remember, too, that even if it’s easy for you to get a good job (and that is in no way guaranteed), remember that “getting” isn’t the same as “keeping”. Smoke and mirrors only get you so far; if you can’t get along with others, uphold the values of your workplace, and, oh yeah, produce something of value, you’ll be shown the door in short order.
Fair warning, your understanding of this “awful world” is at a grade school level, and before long you are going to get an Olympic pool-sized bucket of ice water thrown directly in your face, just like every other pretentious hotshot before you.
Oh, and as for that tryst with that girl from the next town: pictures or it didn’t happen.
Nate - Yeah, and you know what really blows? Even THAT’S better than what a vast majority of high schoolers get. Statistically, 2%…two percent…of high school football players will get to play at the college level at all. Not to worry, though. At least you know from day 1 that the NFL is a pipe dream, so you know you have to move on and get that degree. Trust me, that’s better than a lot of collegiates. There’s time to right the ship. Make it count.
IRDM - What kind of attitude is that? You want to talk to her, talk to her! Now! What do you have to lose? And if you can’t, at least don’t waste space in a yearbook blathering about nothing. Sheesh.
Stan - Have you considered, oh, I dunno, wising the hell up? Here, I’ll help you out. Step one is being among girls without panicking. Step two is finding some worthwhile cause…charity, organizing a marathon, park cleanup, whatever. Step three is using said cause to meet people. You can figure out where to go from there. Maybe it’ll result in a satisfying relationship, maybe all you get is a couple lines on a resume. The point is, if you’re sheltered and clueless, and you know it, work on fixing it. Ask for help if you need it. Trust me, there are a lot of people who’ll be glad to have one less emotionally stunted creep in the world.
Ronny - Uh…I hate to throw an Olympic-sized bucket of ice water on your face, but I don’t think he’ll want to have anything to do with you once you complete that horrific and utterly inexplicable transformation. At least you were kind enough to give him fair warning; when he thinks about you, he’ll probably just shake his head sadly rather than entertain fantasies of poisoning your beer. Well, anyway, you’ll learn soon enough where insufferability gets you. Hopefully not the hospital.
Mr. Handley - It’s nice that you’re trying to help someone who desperately needs it, but trust me, these are the kind of jerks that don’t listen. Some people just gotta learn the hard way. And when he ends up in jail, fleeing for his life in a godforsaken backwater, or bleeding to death in a ditch, all you can do is say “Well, I tried” and get ready for the next batch of ignorant loudmouth jerks.
(I’ve never felt the urge to respond to a Cracked article like this before! This is the first time! Honestly!)
(P.S.: Do shotgun marriages still happen? You’d think that the folly of that would have sunk in by now.)