rant about adoption

The BBQ Pit
1

My husband and I have 3 beautiful children who were born to us, ages 1, 3, and 5.

Both of us have always felt that we should have 4 children. And I’ve started to get the baby urge again. But I feel that my geetic material is out there in the world quite sufficiently, thank you.

So we started thinking about adopting a baby.

Our first thought was international adoption. We both have international roots and experiences, so it seemed a natural choice for us.

But when we started looking into it, we learned that almost any country costs over $20,000. There is no way we can afford that.

So we started looking into adopting a child in the U.S. We know white infants are rare, but we don’t care anything about race. We live in a town that is something like 50% Hispanic, so there must be some beautiful Hispanic babies we could love (or any other race).

But the problem again was the cost. Again, the figure of approximately $20,000 was tossed about. I don’t know what all that money is for. Lawyers fees, I guess.

Let’s try something else.

We contacted our local Children’s Protective Service and went to their orientation about adopting one of the children who is currently in the foster care system.

We came away from the meeting very discouraged.

We were advised that almost all children we could adopt are older than 5 years, and they strongly recomend that any child adopted would be the youngest in the family. This is because most of the children were severely abused and can be highly aggressive, esp towards those who are weaker than them. They’ve also had several incidences when an older boy was adopted who then sexually assaulted a younger girl in the family.

And they emphasised that these children often have physical and psychological problems that cause them to need huge amounts of attention. So with 4 children, the adopted one might take up more than half of my time and attention. This doesn’t seem very fair to the children who are already my responsibility.

So if we indeed have a fourth child, here are my options:

  1. Pay $20,000 and wait and extended period of time.

  2. Wait several years until my children are older and then adopt a child who may be aggressive and time consuming.

  3. Get pregnant and pay the $20 co-pay for my pre-natal and birth charges.

I feel we have a lot to offer a baby in a loving, stable home. But right now adoption isn’t a viable alternative for us.

It’s sad.

2

Good for you in looking into the adoption route. :slight_smile: I’ve been reading alot about established families going this route for a new child (versus birth).

But that sucks big time that it costs so damn much. You would think it would be beneficial for the government to pay you to adopt a kid. Come on, $20,000 one time versus the cost of society raising the kid until 18 (or so).

3

I know nothing about adoption, so forgive me if this is totally irrelevant–but what about a private adoption? I can remember my college paper always had an ad or two in it from families looking to adopt a child. I’m assuming they would cover the medical care–is that where the $20,000 figure is coming from? I had insurance for my son’s birth, but that still seems high. Regardless, I’m just wondering if getting hooked up directly with a pregnant mother, rather than going through an adoption agency, might be more reasonable financially .

4

Here is a page with some links on financing adoption. The website is from the agency my brother was adopted through.

Whether you choose to birth or adopt another child, I wish you and your family well.

5

My older brother and sister were adopted as infants. My younger brother and I came the old fashioned way. Adoption is a wonderful thing, and I am so glad you looked into it.

Even back in the dark ages of the 1960s it took several years for my parents to “win the lottery” and get my older brother. Then 2 years later, they got my older sister. It took a lot of effort on my parents part, and a lot of patience. They adopted through a state agency, but I have several friends who were adoptees through Catholic Social Services. You might want to try more agencies. Since you already have children, you might have to wait longer. Good Luck.

And have you thought about becoming Foster Parents?

6

Well, I’ll certainly agree that special needs kids* can be time consuming. (And, as mine are recent teenagers, they have now entered the realm of unholy, inhuman monsters, of course.) However, neither of my kids has ever attacked a smaller child. My son has had behavior problems in which he was aggressive toward adults, but they used to help him calm down by assigning him to be a student assistant with the littler kids in school.

Getting a child older than the kids in your home does present problems, on both sides. Each child in the home is “bumped” down the pecking order (and the oldest kid loses that special status).

It is good that the HS people told you about these issues rather than simply trying to place every kid regardless of match. It is also good that you are considering the issues, not because you might not be “good enough” to handle them, but because everyone has different situations that they can handle.

That said, I would suggest you not dismiss the HS adoption plan (even if it means waiting a bit). My in-laws have added a couple of kids to their family, and the presence of the birth kids has helped the adoptees adjust in ways that my kids were not able to. (I am not recommending you go for an HS adoption, only suggesting that you do not rule it out.)

  • Older kids and sibling groups are considered “special needs kids”, just as kids with health or mental problems are, simply because they tend to have special needs.
7

Yep, adoption sticker shock.

But it really is a reasonable cost when you recognize what is happening.

We paid $16k to adopt our son from Korea about five years ago. We got:

Approximately 40 hours worth of a social workers time, plus the support services involved.
Legal services in the US
Legal services in Korea
Visa from the INS
Visa and passport from the Korean govenment.
Prenatal care in Korea
Birth costs
Medical costs for the first six months of my son’s life
Expenses for the first six months of his life (foster care)
Airfare from Korea to the US for my son’s Escort (he would have been on her ticket).
Korea then uses what’s left of the money to fund care for the children who are not adopted. They provide good medical care for the kids (I know people who have gotten kids who required heart surgery in Korea - done at no expense before their child arrived).
The US agency uses some of the money to be able to provide additional post placement resources, they run a crisis nursery, offer adoption grants and a sliding fee scale for lower income people looking to adopt, run workshops.

We had our daughter (bio) a year later. Her prenatal/labor and delivery care was around $10k. Her expenses for the first six months were around another $3k (diapers, daycare, we breastfed her, but formula ain’t cheap and my son would have needed formula). Biggest difference - insurance covered this.

In other words, generally speaking, no one makes a profit off of adoption. Well, OK, there are agencies that do run for profit. And there is a LOT of graft in the system of some international adoptions. But it does cost thousands (or tens of thousands) of dollars to provide the homestudy, birthmother counseling, prenatal care, labor and delivery costs, plus the living costs of the child until they are placed with you. If you - the potential parents - don’t pay the bills, someone needs to.

$16k was less than either of our cars cost. I just had to replace my PC - $1k. Well repair - $2500. Root canal - $1200. $16k for my son was a bargain!

There is a tax credit of $10k available. So you can foist some of the cost off on the taxpayer. But its a tax credit - so you have to have most of the money up front and the government will reimburse you. In case you can’t tell, I’m less than thrilled with this use of my tax money. (I have no problem with the programs that place “waiting US kids” into homes for no cost to the adoptive parents - kids stuck in the foster system that need homes and are already a burden on the government - I do have a problem with reimbursing yuppie parents like myself for adopting healthy white infants, or babies from Korea).

Costs for a US adoption are different. I do know it is possible to adopt in the US for a couple grand - if you find your own birthmother and just need a homestudy (my sister in law did it this way - they wanted a baby and were infertile - they had a friend who’s brother’s girlfriend got pregnant - and the four people (the birthparents and adoptive parents) showed up at the agency ready to get the paperwork out of the way.) Generally speaking, when high costs are quoted for domestic adoptions, there are other costs involved. Some states allow you to pay the birthmothers reasonable living expenses during pregnancy. Sometimes advertising is a significant cost. Some agencies provide extensive birthmother counseling. Some agencies and attorneys are out to make a profit. (In the US, I believe your insurance will cover the prenatal care and delivery charges for the birthmother of your baby).

8

I’m sure there are ways to finance an adoption. We might even be able to swing it if we made lots of sacrifices.

But it would be hard to justify those acrifices considering we could just have sex, nine months later push a bit, and then we’d have a baby for a grand total cost of $20.

For people who are infertile or otherwise can’t have their own child, the $20,000 would be totally worth it.

But for me the option of getting pregnant is there and easy.

I just wish adoption were easier.

9

I’m sure there are ways to finance an adoption. We might even be able to swing it if we made lots of sacrifices.

But it would be hard to justify those acrifices considering we could just have sex, nine months later push a bit, and then we’d have a baby for a grand total cost of $20.

For people who are infertile or otherwise can’t have their own child, the $20,000 would be totally worth it.

But for me the option of getting pregnant is there and easy.

I just wish adoption were easier.

10

Don’t feel bad, there aren’t exactly a shortage of adoptive parents - not for the type of child you are looking for (older kids, like Tom has, there certainly is a shortage of adoptive parents). Even internationally - generally speaking - you may wait a year or longer for a referral and if you turn the baby down, someone else will take it (our son was turned down by another couple the day before we got his referral).

People have this notion (we did too) that there are a ton of babies all over the world looking for homes, and if you have a good home, someone will be happy to hand you a baby - maybe not a white, healthy baby, but a baby. It doesn’t work like that.

But keep in mind that the grand total cost of $20 is $20 to you. There is a bigger cost, its just hid in your (and my) insurance premiums.

(Now if adoption was covered by insurance).

11

Have you ever considered being a foster parent? I don’t know your situation at all, but it’s an idea. I imagine foster parents can probably specify what ages, etc., they’d be willing to foster. I know adopting a child to be your own and temporarily foster parenting are different things, but again, just an idea.

12

The kid came with a car!

That explains the high cost, people!

Seriously, though, my wife and I adopted a baby girl from Korea five years ago, and Dangerosa has pointed out very well all that that entails.

I would recommend that you shop around for a better price, but be very wary of an organization with a short history that has a too-good-to-be-true price. You are asking for a heap of trouble, both legal and emotional.

$20,000 doesn’t seem to be so much if you spread it out over the child’s lifetime.

13

We were seriously considering adopting a child.

http://www.worldpartnersadoption.org/

This site sent me very informative booklets regarding international adoptions.
I found them to be very helpful.

For the record, though, the costs we were looking at were more in the 30,000 range.