rantage about college life (loooong)

The BBQ Pit
1

Just gotta get some crap off my chest… (I mean that in the most abstract sense of course… ick)

I’m homesick. but home will never be the same place whether i go back now or later. home is 3000 miles away.

My roommate is weird. she’s always saying ‘you need to learn to be subtle’ or stuff that I just do not care to hear. If no one else in the group cares, why does she? None of us can joke around without her going “come on children” or something equally annoying. Now she’s complaining because she wants a boyfriend. all the time.

I have two suitemates (share a bathroom). one of them is great, we’re good friends and all… the other one stinks. really. We JUST got her to start using deodorant and soap. she wouldn’t go do laundry either - we finally figured out it was because she’d never done it before, and instead of asking she just let the pile grow HUGE - put wet towels in it too, and reused them. it was nasty. their room just reeks. for the first couple weeks here she followed us EVERYWHERE and was always jumping into conversations with totally irrelevant stuff or asking why or dominating with stories about back home that weren’t funny at all… I feel bad for her, but man, i just couldn’t stand being around her, espeically in groups or small spaces, because of the smell and her stupid questions and this annoying thing where she says “well, noooo, but”… no is five syllables, the eyes do the open-close thing like when someone thinks they’re real cool, the head goes diagonally… she’s like Bob Dole or something with “well ya know…” i don’t know what on earth kind of home she’s had, i know she just lives with her mom and doesn’t know how to clean at all, doesn’t seem to know how to talk to people or be “good” at anything… I feel bad for her but it’s hard to be patient when i get asked dumb questions about her schoolwork when I’m trying to do mine, or when I’m trying to get to know somebody else…

i have an 8am everyday, and it makes me mad because it’s a really cool class, I just have a hard time being engaged when I’m wishing i was still in bed.

The thing here that is bugging me the most that I’m not sure that anyone else will quite understand is some stuff with a friend, let’s call him Tim, one of the only people I already knew (but not that well) when I got down here. I’m definitely attracted to him, but not “interested”, and he’s way too old and going to graduate in December anyway and I don’t think he would ever like me or anything - romance is not an issue here at all, but… I definitely did some things with him that I wish I hadn’t now. The very first day of classes we went to his place (I thought he had a roommate or I probably wouldn’t have gone…). keep in mind I go to a conservative Christian university, and I’m glad I do, but just understand that that right there was already breaking some oft-broken rules, and that as actual sex is not that common around, except in some small groups of people that don’t last long here, things short of that are a big deal. We cuddled and stuff, I thought that he was just the type who was ok with doing that with friends and was happy with that, because it feels wonderful… but well I wasn’t quite as ok once he asked if he could kiss me and said some other things (all this while laying on his bed, entwined)… and I just got a little uncomfortable and we stuck around a few more minutes, didn’t kiss, but we were really close and doing a lot of touching in non-private areas. I felt kinda dumb after I thought about it later just because it seemed like what was I thinking, he was probably lying when he said he’d liked me when we met, just trying to get some NCL (Non-Committed Lip)… (I know that’s not true. He’s not a jerk, just we both made some mistakes) Things were fine the times we hung out after that, never for long and always in public, but it wasn’t really an issue or anything cause nothing really happened… well on Friday in the early evening we started talking in the student center and still a lot of flirting and touching and things but that’s kind of how it’d always been for us and I thought that’s just the way he was with girls, no big. We both had other plans for the night but we both ended up breaking them because we started talking and ended up driving around town… we didn’t want to go to his place again just cause I didn’t think it was a good idea and against the rules, but we did park the car and that was a mistake… I mean it was ok at first but after a while we quit talking and were ONLY cuddling, and exploring, for a long long time, and it just grew… I mean, we never kissed (I’m still a member of Nu Beta Kappa - Never Been Kissed… hehe)… but I don’t know where things would have gone because I only barely had the willpower to pull away when my hand was part of the way down his pants, no more than an inch away from doing I don’t know what… after that we both just kinda were like “oh crap. that went way too far”… but yet we were still cuddling, and I liked it, and it was ok… but then I said “well, this is also what got us where we were five minutes ago…” we made a “no touching” rule between us (hi-fives and side hugs are about the only allowed thing, and a no going to private places alone rule, not because we’re trying to be legalistic but just because I don’t even know what things that happened were ok with me and what weren’t and how to stop at the line if we did settle on one…)… we drove around for a bit talking about it and just about guys and girls and expectations and where everything started going in the wrong direction, whether by parking, or by going to his apartment the first time, or by holding hands and stuff right before then, or even as early as the way we interacted when we first met a couple years ago back in my home… and honestly I still don’t know, I think there were wrong things done at many stages but none that were irreversible… until this very last time, I feel like I can’t go back because now I’ve experienced something and what it was like to not even want to stop and I just don’t think I can ever not remember that or not say “what if” - because part of me wishes that the whole thing had been curbed long before the car incident, and part says “why did you stop? you screwed up enough that a little more wouldn’t have hurt that much…” I guess I’m just feeling guilty, and NOT because of “religion” telling me that what I did was wrong, please don’t think that at all because I LOVE being a Christian and my school and everything even if it’s not always the easiest thing for me to do… I feel guilt more because I broke the standards I set for me personally, not for anyone else… with someone that I don’t even know that well. I just feel a little cheapened, and like it was my fault - because he’s feeling bad about it too, not like it was something he wanted to do and I didn’t, but a mistake we both made in the moment, and now I realize he’s been struggling with physical stuff for a long time because he had a really really different youth than I had and did a lot of things that he’d never do now, but that is one thing he still struggles with wanting and not wanting at the same time… so I just feel like I made it harder for him to stick to his own commitments while breaking my own. so we both just kinda feel like big jerks. He’s moving on a lot better than I am, I can’t stop thinking about it and what it would have been like if we hadn’t stopped then, that sort of thinking, and then guilty thinking about it… and i just don’t know how to be around him in person now. we talked on the phone in the middle of the night last night and that was ok… but being around him and remembering places that I touched and part of me wanting to touch again, and feeling like I can’t touch him at all, even in the ways I normally touch people just because of things he was saying that the way I had been touching and talking with him was definitely sexual even if I didn’t intend it that way, though sometimes I did intend it but not in such a concrete way… yeah, I’m just going to be really conscious of it when I’m close to him now. so yeah, there’s my crappy situation. :smack:

i don’t know why I’m posting this here, other than the fact that I needed to get some of it out (oh yes, there’s more… but that last one is the most pressing at the moment and i’m drained from typing that)… i’m not really expecting a response to that, unless it’s “you whiny person, there are people with way worse than that going on.” I know there are. I’m not saying that I have it the worst (crap, I sure learned that talking even to Bob last night. I wouldn’t want to trade this pain for some of the other much worse stuff he told me!). I just needed to get it out. If you do have anything helpful to offer, great, I’d appreciate it. or any stories of stupid mistakes you made like that, getting over it. or crappy roommate stories. thanks for reading if anyone did.

Apologies for the abhorrent sentence structure. I wasn’t really writing with anyone having to decipher it in mind.

iampunha, Polycarp, if either of you migrates over to the pit and happens to read this… you might be thinking this is the sort of challenge to faith you were referring to in the What you wish you’d known when you went to college thread… well, I would disagreee, because I’m doubting some of my convictions but not my religious ones (well, yes, religious ones, because I made them in part because of my faith… but not religious in the sense of what things I do or don’t believe in, or doubting my salvation or anything of that sort). we can discuss it in another thread or via email if you are still as interested as you were before…

sorry for the horrendous length of this. I do feel better now.

2

3 step plan makes college easy:

  1. drop out. Ignore everything everyone (esp. family) tells you about how you’ll die poor and lonely etc. Actually, ignoring everything everyone says may solve your problems in 1 step.

  2. Get crappy job. Not so crappy that you can’t get your own place/food, but crappy enough that you dread it every day, all day, and think about something else to keep soul from dying. Save money.

  3. Return to school several years later. Study whatever it was you thought about to keep soul from dying. You’ll be old enough to get yer own damn place w/o stenchy roommates. You’ll have money, and your own opinions. And after 3 years of 9 to 5 (or in my case, 7:30-4), college will seem delightfully stimulating, and easy to boot.

3

Paragraph breaks, for the love of god.

4

Earplugs are your friend. Or music through headphones. If someone taps you on the sholder, wanting to talk, tap on your headphones and shake your head.

5

I can understand. I’ve heard some grumbling about this, and we’re only three weeks into the semester.

All it is is a bunch of kids who are away from Mommy and Daddy for the first time in their lives. They’re no longer accountable to anyone but themselves, and so their upbringing kinda falls to the wayside, as do social skills and manners.

All I can suggest is that you establish boundaries and enforce them. If you find yourself in a situation where a roommate’s hygiene is unacceptable, talk to a residence adviser.

Robin

6

Take acid.

7

Have more unprotected cuddling.

8

On acid.

9

The roomate thing is tricky. My roomate in the dorms had O.C.D and I’m kind of a slob. That made for some pretty awesome knock down, drag out fights. My solution was spending as little time as possible in the dorm room. As far as the “laundry pile” goes, maybe you all could agree that it goes somewhere other than a bedroom? Do you guys have any other area that no one frequents that often? I’m thinking about how you can escape from the smell.

As for your “other” situation. Hmm. I don’t know about your religious convictions so I don’t feel as if any advice would be proper. Although, humans have a basic need to be close to other humans. We need contact. That probably explains your strong desire for cuddling. It’s completely normal. I wasn’t aware that Christians weren’t supposed to even kiss or anything, that’s new to me. Is that directly related to your faith, or is that a personal thing?

10

lezlers,

not kissing is a completely personal thing. I know plenty of Christians who do kiss and that’s fine. I’ve just never felt right about it, probably because I’ve never been in a serious relationship and I’m just not comfortable being physically involved with someone i’m not seriously into. (how i define serious, that’s a whole nother issue. for a while i was planning on “not till I’m engaged” or even “not until I’m married”… yes for kissing… but that’s not so set in stone now. we’ll see when I get to that point, but for now, no kissy for me. yes, I know, that is a completely absurd idea to many who might read this. if you want detail about why, start a different thread or contact me.)

I’m sure that I’m “normal” for wanting cuddling, and in fact I think I would have been OK with what we did had it not gone as far as it did. “Tim” (don’t you love how he was Tim and then Bob in the OP?) and I agreed that we just shouldn’t do that anymore as we both don’t have such great keeping-the-boundaries-skills.

as far as wanting contact goes, I know that’s normal. I just struggle with what is ok for me to want and participate in and what isn’t - because I’m sure if I temporarily had no conscience, or didn’t have the religious convictions, I would do a lot that I won’t do now. I just need to find out what I am ok doing now - I know I’m not ok with what happened Friday night in the end, but I don’t know when it became something I didn’t want to do instead of something I did. (well, in a way, it was something I wanted to do when I stopped, but only the part of me that I’m glad I didn’t listen to). But… I think that’s a whole different can of worms and just something I need to think and pray about a whole lot more.

my suitemate… well, there’s not a lot we can do. our suite is just two dorm rooms and a restroom in between. sooo no real good stashy places, but we try to drop hints along the lines of “we’re going to do laundry now, why don’t you come with us?”… and we have used lots of extra strength febreze and air freshener over there. socially, we put up with her when she’s around, but we certainly don’t go out of our way to invite her. as long as we avoid enclosed spaces with poor air circulation and don’t talk directly to her, she won’t get strangled.

I appreciate the comments and everything, and apologize again for the utter un-read-ablity of the OP, and probably this message too. I’m only non-coherent when it’s my personal life I’m talking about! I promise!

11

My suggestion is to hang out with your cool suitemate and your other friends and try not to worry about your roommate or her roommate. As you are finding out, your roommate is not likely to be your best friend. You’re doing good if you can keep things civil. Chances are, your roommate will have her friends and you will have your own. Next year, you’ll probably be able to arrange better living arrangements.

My first roommate employed 7’s headphone strategy exclusively. IMO, it was quite annoying–she did not speak to me at all for any reason. Someone like that tends to suck the energy out of the room. One day, shortly before winter break, she deigned to speak to me in order to inform me that she would be moving out to a different room! So, sometimes these things just work themselves out in the end.

I had a little trouble following your long paragraph, and, frankly, I have a little trouble understanding religion in general, so I’m probably not going to be much help. It sounds, though, like you are discovering that the sexual side of yourself is not something that is easily pushed aside. You are going to have these feelings, and, IMO, you should not be beating yourself up for having had them. You are mad at yourself for letting this genie out of the bottle, but it’s not really something, IMO, that should stay so bottled up. We all have feelings and we all have fantasies.

What concerns me is that you seem to have been repressed so long that it’s all going to come rushing out, and you could do some things that you can really regret. It sounds like you are concerned about that as well.

You might want to see a minister or counselor or something about how you can deal with this. On a college campus, they’ve dealt with your problem many times before, I’m sure. Of course, if their advice is just “Pray and it will all go away”, I really don’t think that will help at all. But, I think they will have other practical advice for you about how you can balance your faith and your sexuality. You might also want to talk to your RA or another older student. And, of course, you RA would also be the one to talk to about “She who refuses to do laundry”.

12

Good advice, Tamex.

13

I read your OP, LifeinHIM86. All of it. Saw the thread starter and opened it in a new window.

I hope I’ll have advice for you later on. I have to go to bed now, which is probably for the best, since I’m not sure my response (how I’d say it right now) would be a lot more spacially structured (that one long paragraph almost made me drag out a straightedge just so I made sure I didn’t read the same line twice:)) than your OP was.

Only two things I can think of to say right now. 1 is to talk to this guy online if you can … for some people there’s something about being online that takes away a lot of boundaries … not necesarily physical boundaries but … some things you can’t say to someone’s face but you can say online. Get my meaning?

2 is to, if you want, email me about this. Or anything. Or IM me. Or whatever. I have a tendency (a few dopers can cough attest to this well enough) to ask personal questions … as much because I pursue weird angles looking for inner connections as anything else. However, what I’ll post later on (probably later on this afternoon, because with the lack of sleep and mind-intensive classes I’m looking at for later today I’ll be a wreck at 11 when I take my nap) will not be of more of a personal nature than anything you included in your OP.

Safe night, my friend:)

14

Stay away from him. He’s toying with you. He’s pulling that “I have all these feelings and I don’t know what I want to do” crap, and he’s trying to make it your fault. He does know what he wants to do, and he’s doing it: keep you on a string and twitch it until your head is spinning, and then drop the string and leave you standing bewildered and in tears. Break the string. If he really wanted to be with you, he’d be with you on your terms.

15

As to the stinky roommate: There is a scene in Turner and Hooch involving a backyard, a restraint and a garden hose that should prove informative.

16

You might want to think about seperating your morality from your God. I’m not asking you to de-value God. I’m thinking it might be helpful for you to have reasons/knowledge/understanding of behavior (ethics) for your behavior other than religion. You say that you would do a lot more than you do now if you were not ‘limited’ by religion.

IMHO, religion should not be a limitation, it should be a freedom. Loving God should enrich your life, not bind you from living. If your limits on actions are going to be truly yours, you need to find a better reason to stick by them, not because you may lose your faith or anything, but because morality should be part of you, not an external list of rules imposed on you.

On the roomate deal, you have, as a Christian, a bunch of advice available to you for how to deal with people. Love them as your self, treat them as you would be treated, etc. Coming to college is a rough, rough deal. Maybe her mom did all of her laundry and woke her up to a fresh made breakfast every morning. You have noticed that she is lacking some skills that are necessary for independant living…that’s scary business. If you can honestly be nice to her, do so. If you can’t, don’t try to be nice to her face and then cruel to her back.

Roomies, in general, suck. Its hard to live with another person, which is a fact that a lot of people ignore during all sorts of times in their lives. Give roomies a lot of leeway, you annoy them just as much as they annoy you, and maybe more. Be respectful, kind, and as forgiving as you can manage. Shoot for friendship, be greatful for civility, accept anything short of warfare. (This is coming from someone who was sent to the hospital by one of her roomates… some bias is in here.)

Also, feel free to e-mail me/IM me. I’m highly interested in ethics, and while we practice Christianity differently, I’m doing the whole Christian in college thing.

17

thanks again everyone for the advice. I promise I will make more sense this time.

I was just waiting for a post like Medea’s’. I don’t think I was clear about the fact that I’m not under guilt because “religion says this is bad.” Yes, what I believe does say “don’t do that” but… I wouldn’t be in such a tizzy if that was the only thing holding me back.

Physical expression is scary - especially as I and many (not all) the females I personally know tie intimacy and emotion very very closely. Yes, it feels wonderful, but I think that for where I am in life right now I can’t make that kind of bond, especially with someone that I don’t have romantic feelings for. It would only confuse me.

I feel guilty more because I broke a standard that I set for me, not because I didn’t follow someone else’s idea of right and wrong. I’m not a postmodernist, but I don’t see the point in following any sort of code if it has no relevance to my life. Not being sexually active in any way, right now, has lots of relevance to my life.

Perhaps it does seem right now that “Tim” is just playing games - that was my initial reaction. But, I did know him before this in a nonromantic way, and I just don’t think he’s trying to be a jerk about this. If he was, I don’t think he would have made suggestions about how to avoid letting that happen again, or let me cry about it in the middle of the night on the phone, or said nothing had to be “weird” between us.
Either way though, jerk or not, I’m taking precautions this time. I can’t afford to get so far into things that I have to say “stop stop stop” “no I don’t want to stop” - once with that was enough for me. Hopefully that keeps me untangled by whatever string he may or may not be trying to pull.
On the roomie sitch, I hope no one thinks I’m a complete hypocrite now. I probably said some things in the OP that weren’t the most Christ-like. I was very very frustrated with life in general and mostly with myself when I posted, and, although I don’t agree with much of Freud’s theory, I do think that anxiety often leads us to defense mechanisms - in this case, scapegoating.
I would say I’m ususally much more compassionate in my dealings with this suitemate. I’m still learning patience, but I am striving for it.
Although I don’t particularly enjoy her company, I do invite her to eat with us in the caf - we’ve all got to eat, why not together? - or come to church with us - she can with us or walk about a block, I’ve done both, but since she’s planning on going somewhere why not with us? - I just don’t invite her to my room to chat or anything. (if I do, my bed will smell, and she’ll never go away) So don’t think I’m a big meany who isn’t nice to people if she doesn’t like them. If we were that mean, we wouldn’t have been as gentle as possible in asking her to use soap in the shower and deodorant after (It’s helping, but it’s not perfect)

18

I have the same suspicions about Tim. Follow your instincts…you’re saying that you don’t trust yourself to be alone in the same room with him. This is not the sign of a healthy relationship at all. Stay away from him. He knows that you are not interested in kissing, etc. until you are in a committed relationship. If he loved you, he would respect that instead of pulling that “I just can’t control myself” crap. If he really were your friend, then he would be the kind of person whom you could trust, even alone, wouldn’t he? Friends don’t take advantage of friends.

I think that you should spend this freshman year going out and making friends, both male and female, in your classes, in clubs, in your dorm, etc. You now know that you’re not ready for a romantic relationship. Nothing wrong with that. You need some friends who are willing to accept your boundaries. And, you never know, you might find someone with whom you want to have a romantic relationship, and who is willing to take things at the pace you both desire.

You might want to talk to your RA about your hygiene-challenged suitemate. Not to complain about her, but out of concern for her. I think that you can recognize that this problem is a little too big for you guys to handle on your own. It might be that she just doesn’t know how to do laundry, etc., but there could also be some greater psychological issues there that your RA would be better equipped to handle (or find someone else who can handle them.)

19

Tamex, Rilchiam, both of you could very well be right about Tim. I don’t think so right now - and I’m not just reasoning emotionally here; from a mostly objective place I think he’s just making mistakes the same as I am - but I’m won’t rule it out because I am younger and more inexperienced than you all.

That said, I just don’t see how this is him trying to get anything physical from me - I think if that was what he was after, he would have slowed down, but not stopped. As it is, he’s the one that suggested we spend time together but not in private and without “extra” touching, and the one who said “yes, I will hold you to your promise even if you try to break it and get physically involved with me again.”

It’s not even as if he’s trying for a relationship - both of us kind of said “going to your house a few weeks ago was a mistake. Neither of us is interested, but we weren’t using our heads.” (and then promplty stopped using our heads again… :(). None of this has to do with liking one another - it was all purely physical, and that’s why I’m not OK with what happened (not that I would have been if we were in a relationship, but this is a different kind of that-was-no-good than if we were seeing each other).

I guess only time will tell. As long as I don’t make the same mistake a third time, I think we can still be friends. Just because of his teenage years, I think he’s better at seeing people for who they are and not how you messed up with them than I will be (I don’t understand how he does it, but that’s just me), but I can do it as long as week keep some pretty generous boundaries between us.

My RA does know about my suitemate - she’s talked to her once or twice, mentioned hygiene more than usual in our hall meetings, and is keeping an eye on anything that’s just egregious, but can’t do much about it if there’s no health code violation. We’ll see.

20

I was referring to this earlier.

I never said that you were just toeing a given line. I asked if you had considered the ramifications of attaching your morals and ethics to an external source (religoius convictions, as given). You set limits for yourself, and were not able to stick with them, and its causing you difficulty. You might want to re-consider where you attribute those limits, perhaps if you attach your limits to an internal source it will be easier to take care of yourself and less difficulty will occur. (Or you could re-defind the limits to being what you are able to internally support.)

Externally supported rules are difficult to follow unless you “buy into them”, internalize them, make them part of your spirit, your soul, your goals and aspirations. Where the heart looks, the body will follow. That’s the point I was trying to make.

And on the boy. Even if he is making mistakes, same as you, stay away from him. He’s not good for you, that is reason enough. There doesn’t need to be blame for that, you don’t have to have anything against arsenic to want to avoid ingesting it.