Ranting without cussing

In the OP of this thread:

I was ranting profanely about a driver who ran a red light and hit my mother. I’d never strung that much bad language together before, but I was really upset.

Then I started trying to think of non-profane words and phrases that would be insulting wisecracks against people like that driver. **infamousmom ** supplied one 'knuckle dragging methane breather" I had used 'microcephalic" and “scumbucket”

Could some Dopers help me out and give me cutting comments that are G-rated?
I like humor too, and will continue the search on my own of course, in the boards, because I know I have seen good stuff there, just can’t remember where all of them were.

“Cyst on the posterior of humanity”
“Purulent momma’s boy”
“Anencephalic coprophage”
“Slime-sucking son of a land barge”
“Unnatural offspring of a toenail fungus”

“Futtock” sounds wonderful but is utterly innocent of obscenity.

Shakespeare’s your friend, thou beslubbering codpiece-sniffing moldwarp!

Grow unsightly warts, thou goatish, fat-kidneyed lewdster!
Thanks to everyone so far, but SV, I have to make special mention of your Shakespeare link!

And has the advantage of being shrouded from most.

Hey, tomndebb, you ratline my cage?

Beat me to it, Shrinking Violet, thou errant rump-fed whey-face!