Re: An Open Letter to the Douchebag Next Door

The BBQ Pit
1

Dear Douchebag,

You are not as handsome, intelligent, witty, or un-douchy as you may think you are. Our business is not an extension of your office, nor are our staff your personal copy center and computer support toadies. You have no right to expect us to have something ready, said favor was asked as a favor by SOMEONE ELSE, who I HAPPEN TO LIKE LOTS BETTER BECAUSE SHE IS NOT A DOUCHEBAG. We are not here to serve you and make sure your office is working fine and we do not work for free.

Do not ignore me, in your oh-so-douchy way, when entering our premises. Do not presume that I do not know the names of my boss and our techguy, or am unable to tell them apart. I have known and worked for baldman for 2 years, and techchild is my boyfriend. Do not say, “thanks, lady”, upon leaving. That does not make you less of a douchebag, in fact, it has just compounded your douchebag factor and sent it skyrocketing through the roof.

Please, never return to our business again. In fact, please do our whole town, no, indeed universe, a giant freaking favor by shooting yourself repeatedly in the testes and in the head/neck area, as well as upper torso. This action, while not lifting the status of “douchebag”, will make the rest of us really, really happy.

Aloha,

glarGH

2

<*snort[/]i>

Really, it’s the “Aloha” that made this rant…

3

I must say, beautiful use and repetition of the word “douchebag,” especially with the adjectival form “douchy”. I’m not gonna be able to walk down the “Feminine Needs” aisle of the grocery store without cracking up now.

4

Heh. I’m kind of partial to the “You are not as… non-douchy” part.

aside - I always want to pronounce your name as gl-ARRRRGHHHH!

5

Addition: Please cease your unrepentant douche-baggery and refrain from just trotting over and using our goddamn microwave.

-g