Reaction to child's suspension?

In My Humble Opinion
1

Just got off the phone with the assistant principal (AP) at my kids’ school. My middle child, 7th grade boy - C, just got suspended for 1 day for fighting.

Well, that’s a new one for this parenting express careening down the tracks vainly trying to maintain a facade of semi-control. Figured I’d toss it out for your amusement and advice (the latter of which I’ll undoubtedly ignore.)

Story as I understand it from the AP. Scene opens in the locker room before or after gym class. Apparently one kid - S - is saying stuff to several kids. At some point, he decides to focus his remarks on my son - C. C decides to take matters in his own hands, and pushes S over backwards. S gets up, and pushes C. C grabs a book and hits S over the head with it.

I asked if anyone got hurt, and the AP says not in this altercation, but apparently S then mixed it up with a 3d kid, who now has a finger in a splint. As the AP said, “Sounds like it was a wild scene in that locker room.”

Upshot is, C & S were both suspended for a day.

Well, I guess they say you always want your kids to surpass yourself. Tho I was occasionally sent to the office, and twice my parents had to come in, I was never suspended!

IMO, the most important thing is that he realize that he not do this again. And, according to the AP, C is very remorseful.

So, what would your reaction be? How much do you talk about this? What do you say? What - if any - punishment do you impose? Top of my head reaction is something like no TV/vid games for a week. But it seems kinda silly, not really being related to the offense. And not certain exactly how much additional punishment is really needed, on top of the suspension, spending time in the proncipal’s office, etc. C is a very sensitive kid, and I am sure he is quite distraught - and upset at himself - about this.

Of course, by the time I get home, he will already have had to weather the wrath of his mom. Hoo-boy! I’ve gotten her mad at me, and I don’t envy him!

WWWCD? (what would Ward Cleaver do?)

2

Give him a whole heap of chores to do on his “day off”, preferably the hard, dirty and unpleasant ones. If you ask me (which you did :)), that’ll help convince him more than anything that he’d rather be in school.

bella

3

I guess for me it would depend on kind of “stuff” S was saying and what kind of temper C usually has.

It is not right to hit someone and C has to understand that. However, if the “stuff” that S was saying was significantly cruel or provocative and C is a child who usually doesn’t have temper problem then perhaps a talk about to better handle the situation and no further punishment is necessary. If C usually has a short fuse or S wasn’t really saying anything confrontational then perhaps more punishment is called for. Definitely allow no TV/games etc for the day he is suspended.

4

Sounds like C was sticking up for himself. I understand the school doesn’t want to look like it condones fighting. I wouldn’t come down on him too hard if that’s the case.

5

If he’s being punished at school, I’m not sure he needs additional punishment at home. It seems reasonable to restrict his privileges on the day of suspension, i.e., no TV, no computer, no friends over, but I wouldn’t do more than that, especially since you say C is remorseful. Without yelling or cursing, let him know that you expect better of him. My dad’s sincere “I’m disappointed in you” was always more effective than my mom’s screaming tirades.

6

Schools may be touchier about discipline now than when you were a kid, Dinsdale. Back in my day (says the codgerette) we kids pretty much settled our differences ourselves. I think it’s important to learn to stick up for themselves in the case of bullies. If your son is the sensitive sort, it may be better that he actually got the courage to act out rather than take abuse. HOWEVER - he has to learn that he can’t physically retaliate, especially on school grounds. It would be better if he retaliated with his brains and his mouth. Be smarter, be more sarcastic. Make the bully cry. (Yes, I have issues - why do you ask?)

As for punishment, I’d see what’s left of him after his mother finishes him.

StG

7

You don’t and can’t know what actually transpired. Neither does the school, and that’s a fact. In this case I think you have to trust your kid. He knows if he did the right thing or not, and since you say he’s remorseful, he probably thinks he could have handled it better. 'Nuff said.

disclaimer: YMMV, IANAE, all kids are different.

BTW, I am an old codger and I believe that, regrettably, sometimes you do have to smack somebody back.
(I also have 5 grandchildren)

8

I have to agree with bella. Give him a bunch of chores to do on his day off (outside of what he would normally be expected to do). Also take away video games or TV or something for another day or two.

Most importantly: sit down and talk with him and make sure he understands why he is being punished. It sounds like you already talked with him about this stuff, but do it again and make sure to sound calm and reasonable.

Don’t worry about traumatizing him. No matter how sensitive he is, if you explain properly what is going on, then he’ll be more understanding. Anyways, he sounds like a good kid so you’re probably doing something right. Talk with the madre and figure out what’s really proper between the two of you.

9

In my NSHO, I’d say that there should be a meaningful consequence for this behaviour. I agree, do not let him enjoy his ‘day off’ school, but I can’t thing of a logical consequence to fighting.

As you say, he’s sensitive, so this lesson has probably been enough for him to learn fighting is not something he wants to do again.

10

Again, depends on your level of trust in your son. Ask him what happened, why he reacted the way he did, what would he do the next time.

maybe it was a bully that got his just deserts.

Sit down with your son and strategize how to better handle it next time.

11

I sympathize, Dinsdale.
Schools now really are touchier about fighting,etc than back in the old days. (I am a Boomer.)
My older son, then in high school,also sort of the sensitive type, got in trouble for fighting about 4 years ago. The police were immediately called, and he was issued a citation. And yes, he was suspended for a day. The other kid had thrown the first punch, but not without provocation.
Both boys had to go to (juvenile) court. It’s just a whole different ballgame now.
To be honest, my spouse and I were a bit non-plussed: our kid, in a fight? I can’t remember what, if any punishment occurred, but obviously we discussed the fact that yes, you may be angry, and want to defend yourself, but getting physical will not solve anything, but will, in fact, make everything worse. And I know that going to court was an eye-opener for all of us.
I think that the seething hormonal cauldron of middle school, where our younger son is now, can be ten times worse than high school in terms of fights,lack of impulse control, even cliques. Interestingly, our younger kid seems to have an easier time of it, he is able to, as StGermain suggests, use his easygoing personality and nimble wit help him to avoid these skirmishes.

12

Okay, more info.

S is a kid my son C has had trouble with since he got to middle school last year. When my wife went to pick C up, she was able to guess S’s name before she was told. There was never physical violence between them, but last year C had asked the PE teacher that they not have to be on the same team in gym, and Mrs. D had spoken to the previous AP. This year there is a new AP.

I guess C (and the other kids) and his mom talk about a lot of this kind of stuff right when they get home from school, and don’t rehash it all when I get home 2+ hours later. So I can get kinda out of the loop. C says this kid gives him grief pretty much on a daily basis, calling him gay and various names. He either ignores it, or practices cutting comebacks. His recent one that he was kinda proud of was “you are such a sorry sorry little man.” (Pretty good, with C’s delivery.)

To fill in other details, C is really bright - he was recently requested to take the ACT/SAT. He has a mild neurological disorder that makes him slightly clumsy at things, but he speedskates and is really in good shape. Can do 9 pull-ups. Not a weak sickly kid.

This is C’s version, which I understand was confirmed by several (kid) witnesses. No one corroborated S’s version.

C comes into the locker room, and S is saying a lot of stuff to just about everyone else in the locker room. For whatever reason, C decides to tell S to “Cut it out.” S says, "who are you to talk? Your mother is a dildo, a whore, and a homosexual."

Which, C says, pissed him off so he shoved S backwards into the lockers. S responded with what sounds like a side kick to C’s stomach which C said was pretty hard. C then whacked S pretty hard - but not as heard as he could - over the head with a book. Deciding discretion was the better part of valour, C decided to exit the locker room.

Apparently S began saying stuff to other kids, including G. G was pointing his finger at S, saying “stop saying that.” S grabbed G’s finger and yanked it backwards. The nurse put it in a splint, and he was expected to get x-rays after school.

Outcome, all 3 kids, C, S, and G, were suspended for 1 day.

Given our understanding of the events, we are not planning on really punishing C much ourselves. We stress that his reactions were understandable, but you don’t get to push/hit everyone that says something that gets you mad. Especially in a situation where you know that such action will potentially subject you to discipline. Suspension is a big thing, and we don’t want him to repeat it. He will not be watching TV or playing video til he gets back from school tomorrow, and his mom will keep him pretty busy today. But as you might imagine, Mrs. D isn’t too bothered by her little sweetie defending her honor.

We all feel the equal punishment of all 3 kids is not quite right, but it is hard to argue with C getting punished for what he did.

What a frigging soap opera! Got to talk w/ my kids about all kinds of things, ranging from the exact definition of “dildo” to how to avoid sidekicks when engaged in a fight. And we came up with a bunch of creative nonvulgar insults to use on S should the situation arise.

Trying to figure out what we should say to the school, if anything, to see what they can do to keep C and S apart. I know kids will be kids, but it bothers me that my kid should have to put up with some jerk calling him names every day. And it stinks that the new AP this year did not know of the history between C & S that his predecessor was informed of.

So it goes. Wonder what the kids will come up with today?

(I think Ward would be proud of how I handled it, although I can’t quite see him discussing dildos with Wally!)

13

In fifth grade, I got into my first “fight”. I had just moved to New Orleans, it was a terrible private school full of upitty rich kids, and one day during gym, one of the kids didn’t take too kindly to the fact that my friend and I were flinging a hair band back and forth to one another and wouldn’t let him join in. As I was crossing the gym floor afterwards on the way to meet my ride and go home, I hear him call my name and turn around to find him in mid-air. He lands on top of me, slams my head into the gym floor about five times, and then runs off. I’ve always been a passive child, but this time, I got up and chased him around the gym. He was faster than me, but one of my friends managed to get in his way and knock him down, at which point I kicked him in the shins before the coach pulled us apart.
We both got three days detention for fighting.
My mom gave me shit the whole ride home because she had been waiting for me, then called into the office to find out I was “in a fight.” When I told her my side of the story, her true anger came from the fact I kicked him while he was down. Apparently, that’s really cowardly (I didn’t understand that at the time, but nowadays, I wholeheartedly agree). I got the whole “Wait till your father gets home” speach, and was living in fear of what my dad would do to me when he got home.
When he did, I was watching t.v. in the living room. My dad talked to my mom for a bit, then came in and found me. The conversation went something like this:

“I hear you had some trouble in school today.”
Yeah
“You wanna talk about it?”
No.
[brief silence]
“Where’s the tv guide?”

By that time, having dealt with the school principle, having my head bashed in, and dealing with shit from my mom, as well as facing three days of detention, my father knew there was nothing else there was to do. He tried in his best way to be “supportive and understanding,” I’m sure, but by that point in time, there was really nothing more he could do. This was the second time we’d moved in my life, and I’d dealt with the bully shit before. This was my first altercation, and knowing the type of kid I was, he knew this wouldn’t be a continuous problem and that I’d suffered enough punishment/humiliation as was deserved.
If your kid is the kind to put up with shit from bullies and other kids without resorting to physical violence adn this is his first altercation, I’d be lenient on him. I like the concept of taking away his privelages for the days he’s suspended, and make sure he does some homework and the like to make up for missed school work, but honestly, I think enough has happened to him already, so don’t be too harsh. Hear his side of the story, explain to him violence is never a good response, and just help him grow up to be well rounded and adjusted.

14

Sounds like you’re handling things quite well, Dinsdale. :slight_smile:

15

Dinsdale–is there any hope at all of approaching S’s parents to try and find out if they are aware of their son’s verbal bullying? Some parents would probably just as soon spit on you as listen to you slander their “little angel”, but I’d like to think others aren’t so insane. Maybe S’s mother simply isn’t aware of the extent of her son’s nasty mouth, and would be very interested to hear the true story. I’d like to think that if it were my son, I’d want to know what was said so I could talk to him about it myself.

16

That’s a really tough one, bella.

We have had less than wonderfull success in the past trying to reason with other parents. I know I am reluctant to believe it when someone tells me my kids are less than perfect angels (even tho I live with the monsters!) And IME it is not uncommon for other parents to hold their kids to different/lower standards than we. And fatigue sets in - when you figure how much effort do you have to spend on this particular matter.

Thanks for the suggestion, tho. I’ll give it some thought.