Reaction to the Wookieeleaks revelations

Cafe Society
#1

Imperial authorities are in full damage-control mode following the release of another cache of devastating documents by the now infamous Wookieeleaks site.

Many of the communications between imperial commanders put various planetary leaders in a bad light. Slug-like alien Jabba the hutt is described as “a rather chubby fellow” in one document, while another says he "has a certain weakness for women in metal bikinis. Cloud City Mayor Lando Calrissian “is willing to change sides twice in half an hour”, according to a cable from one starship commander.

Others documents call into question the veracity of certain reports form the military heirarchy itself. There is a particular focus on the deaths of several high-ranking generals during and immediately after the campaign on the ice planet of Hoth. While autopsy reports says that the generals died of asphixiation, others noted that they were all in the presence of Lord darth Vader at the time.

Another ugly revalation is the Empire’s use of unregulated private bounty hunters in the process of hunting down rebel leaders. One such bounty hunter, Boba Fett, was promised an unspecified “substantial reward” if he tracked down a spaceship known as the Millenium Falcon. Fett refused to comment on the allegations.

The most devastating documents in the release may be a series of videos which allegedly show Imperial Storm Troopers in action attacking civilians. On video from the Forest Moon of Endor shows Imperial forces deploying against a tribe of natives known as Ewoks. The Empire reacted vigorously against the allegations. “This video is clearly a fake,” one imperial spokesman said. “The so-called Ewoks look like constipated teddy bears.” In another video imperial troops fire blasters against a grounded starship on the planet Tatooine. Critics have pointed out that while the troops appear to be firing at point-blank range, the spaceship never receives any damage.

While it’s unclear whether the release of the documents constitutes an Imperial crime, Wookieeleaks founder Chewian Assange is currently being held on the planet Kashyyyk. Authorities are trying to have him extradited on unrelated smuggling charges. When informed of the situation, Assange waved his furry arms in the air and uttered several loud moans.

#2

The Greedo family was glad to report that the leaks offer final proof that the murderer Han Solo shot first, the records were altered not by revel scum, but by the Tattoine mafia with connections to the Empire.

Zoserab Bombassa, Lawyer of the Greedo family, reports that the records were likely changed by Jabba the Hutt to leave Solo free to smuggle some characters to Aldebaran so Jabba would get a piece of the action.

#3

Spokespersons of the rebel alliance, will not comment on the recently surfaced Astromech recording showing Luke Skywalker and Lea Organa kissing and the birth certificates showing them to be full siblings,

#4

Imperial HoloNet talk-show host Glenb Bileck offered the following comment on his show last night: “I’m not saying that Skywalker and Organa are committing incest on a nightly basis, while a seven-foot tall Wookiee watches. I want to make it clear, I’m not ‘accusing’ anyone in the Rebellion of anything. I’m just saying, shouldn’t we be asking the question? Doesn’t the Imperial public deserve that?”

Bileck then went on a fifteen-minute rant about Mon Mothma’s ties to the Hutt clans and burst into tears out of sheer patriotic fervor.

#5

The empire has refused to issue an official statement regarding wookieleak reports of the Emporer attending a theatrical performance and shopping for new shoes while the planet Alderaan was decimated. The Empire insists that an overheard remark that Alderaan-ian refugees “probably have it better off” while sleeping in the Tattoine gladiatorial stadium have been taken out of context.

Wookieleaks also reports that many people within the Empire are questioning the wisdom of the photo shoot the Emporer (wearing a “Mission Accomplished” T-shirt) aboard a Star Destroyer so soon after the destruction of Alderaan.

#6

Wookieleaks has also published classified documents related to the search for terrorists in the planning stages before the subsequent attack on 5/25. The documents show that members of the cell were indeed apprehended and briefly interrogated, but then released. When reached for comment regarding the apparent breakdown in military intelligence and the lack of an arrest that could have prevented the attack, a spokesman for the Palpatine administration stated, “The Empire’s position in this matter is unchanged. Those were not the droids we were looking for”.

#7

Revel scum, on Aldebaran? That is a galaxy far away.

#8

Wookieleaks has acquired intelligence reports that indicate that despite what the Rebel leadership was told, acquiring the Death Star plans did not “cost the lives of many Bothans”. Instead, the Bothan agents in question hired a Twi’lek prostitute to seduce the Chief Engineer of the Death Star program and go though his records after he fell asleep.

The bulk of the rest of the 30 million credits allocated for the mission appears to have been lost while gambling with a Mr L. Calrissian.

#9

No bid contracts on the Death Star directly led to the missing exhaust port safety features.

#10

Accounts that Darth Vader has been torturing prisoners captured in the course of his attempts to destroy the terrorists have been vigorously denied. “We did not torture, we used enhanced interrogation techniques,” said Imperial spokesman Cahn Mammolian.

#11

In leaked diplomatic cables, Senator Jar-Jar Binks was referred to as “an annoying little fuck” over 100 times. Asked for comment, a spokesperson for Emperor Palpatine said, “Well, he is. Anyone going to deny it?”

#12

Jedi Masters Academy Imperial spokesmen are reporting that dozens of Jedi younglings succumbed a bad case of midichlorian influenza at the same time that Jedi Masters throughout the galaxy betrayed the Senate and were executed by Imperial troops before their evil plans could come to fruition.

“What a coincidence,” explained Imperial spokesman Cahn Mammollian.

#13

Woookieleaks today revealed that Fleet Admiral Darth Vader abandoned his pregnant wife, leaving her stranded on the desolate planet of Tatooine.
When asked to comment on this his son, Luke Skywalker had this to say. “He is not my father.”