Imperial authorities are in full damage-control mode following the release of another cache of devastating documents by the now infamous Wookieeleaks site.
Many of the communications between imperial commanders put various planetary leaders in a bad light. Slug-like alien Jabba the hutt is described as “a rather chubby fellow” in one document, while another says he "has a certain weakness for women in metal bikinis. Cloud City Mayor Lando Calrissian “is willing to change sides twice in half an hour”, according to a cable from one starship commander.
Others documents call into question the veracity of certain reports form the military heirarchy itself. There is a particular focus on the deaths of several high-ranking generals during and immediately after the campaign on the ice planet of Hoth. While autopsy reports says that the generals died of asphixiation, others noted that they were all in the presence of Lord darth Vader at the time.
Another ugly revalation is the Empire’s use of unregulated private bounty hunters in the process of hunting down rebel leaders. One such bounty hunter, Boba Fett, was promised an unspecified “substantial reward” if he tracked down a spaceship known as the Millenium Falcon. Fett refused to comment on the allegations.
The most devastating documents in the release may be a series of videos which allegedly show Imperial Storm Troopers in action attacking civilians. On video from the Forest Moon of Endor shows Imperial forces deploying against a tribe of natives known as Ewoks. The Empire reacted vigorously against the allegations. “This video is clearly a fake,” one imperial spokesman said. “The so-called Ewoks look like constipated teddy bears.” In another video imperial troops fire blasters against a grounded starship on the planet Tatooine. Critics have pointed out that while the troops appear to be firing at point-blank range, the spaceship never receives any damage.
While it’s unclear whether the release of the documents constitutes an Imperial crime, Wookieeleaks founder Chewian Assange is currently being held on the planet Kashyyyk. Authorities are trying to have him extradited on unrelated smuggling charges. When informed of the situation, Assange waved his furry arms in the air and uttered several loud moans.