After reading the recently dezombified thread in IMHO about what to do if you see a strange car parked on your street at night, in which there was a lot of talk about wasting the police’s time by calling them to do a quick check on whether the car was there legitimately, I was reminded of something I do every now and then for fun. And I was wondering if others do too.
Sometimes when I’m bored and happen to remember it exists, I check out the monthly police report of the small Long Island village (a subsection of a larger town) where I grew up. This neighborhood is very affluent, with homes averaging about $1.5 million (not bragging, it obviously wasn’t that expensive when we were living there, although even then my family could barely afford it; most of my father’s paycheck went to the mortgage and $13K in school taxes–we looked wealthy on the outside but went with old clothes and never could keep up with the Joneses).
Anyway, it’s also always been very quiet and safe there. These days there are all sorts of rules about what’s allowed and what isn’t; e.g., one can’t park on the street for longer than three hours. (I don’t think this rule was in place when I lived there in the '70s and '80s.)
The police department consists of a building roughly the size of my NYC studio apartment–which should tell you how small it was. I think there are five policemen plus the chief.
Anyway, as I said, the crime rate is pretty low, and as a result the police reports, which are posted online, are filled with the minutia of a not-very-active police force’s duties. The piddly stuff that gets reported is pretty amusing, and sometimes I swear whoever writes the reports has a snarky sense of humor about what he’s typing up. As an example, a few months ago the report included a line like, “Called out to inspect suspicious car parked on ___ Street; couple inside were involved in excessively amorous behavior and were asked to move on.” 
So here’s this month’s listing of vital activities the cops in this town are obliged to do because apparently they’re no otherwise occupied. I’ll redact the names of the streets to protect the… mildly annoying neighbors:
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Numerous packages/mail/newspapers and penny savers were picked up from vacant homes and secured at HQ for residents who reported being out of town.
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Paperwork was re-forwarded to 3rd squad detectives regarding a past lewd conduct case, they advise an arrest may be imminent.
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A tree was reported across the roadway on ___ Court after strong wind conditions on 1/31. Several other tree limbs were removed from roadways during the storm. Small pockets of sporadic power outages were also reported to the power authority for attention.
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A person was assisted in gaining information regarding eviction proceeding and course of action necessary for such proceedings.
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A report of a suspicious person in an auto yelling at a youngster on ___ Drive was investigated. All parties gone upon officer response.
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An elderly female resident of 10 ___ Road was assisted back into bed when she fell onto the floor. No injuries reported.
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An ____ Road resident was assisted with a broken water pipe. Water turned off at main, resident awaiting repairman.
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Contractors working on ___ Drive were advised of start time regulations. They advised that they will comply.
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An ____ Road resident was assisted in removing articles that were blocking her vehicle from leaving the garage.
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A broken Stop Sign and pole on ___ Drive at Park Roads was reported to ____ for immediate repair.
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An ____ Road resident reported suspicious noises in her garage. Officer responded and found cause to be feral cats trapped in garage.
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MTA was advised of slippery roadway conditions at the train station upon the complaint of a passing motorist.
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A reported suspicious car on ____ Drive was investigated and found to be a guest of the complainant’s neighbor.
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(neighboring police department) was assisted when a disoriented male fell on ___ Road in their jurisdiction.
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Building Department was assisted with information regarding a carting company placing a dumpster in the street on ____ Road. Dumpster in roadway a short time while switching empty container for a full one.
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A ____ Road resident was assisted in gaining entry to their home when locked out without keys.
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A ____ Drive resident was advised that their dogs’ barking was causing an annoyance to neighbors. They will rectify the situation.
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An ____ Road resident’s young daughter at home alone reported two suspicious people at the home on separate occasions. Officer responded and found the first person to be a youthful neighbor selling raffles to support his wrestling team, second was found to be UPS delivering a package.
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A large group of teens were observed by an officer beginning to congregate at a ____ Drive home. Owner of home was advised of Social Host Laws and group was dispersed by home owner.
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A report of a stray dog in the rear of a ____ Drive residence was investigated. Dog was returned to its rightful owner.
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A ___ Drive resident, concerned about the rise in identity theft was advised of options to help safeguard his information.
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An adult ____ Road resident was advised to call her worried mother in NYC.
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A ____ Drive resident was assisted in gaining entry to their home with a key stored at HQ.
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A ____ Drive resident was assisted in contacting her refuse company for a special pick up.
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A new ___ Road resident, removing trees from his property, was advised regarding the Village Ordinances involved in the removal and clean up of said trees.
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A suspicious occupied auto parked on ____ Court was investigated. Found to be at wrong address, awaiting relative employed as home health aide. Directed to proper location.
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A ____ Drive resident, locked out of home was assisted in gaining entry.
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A report of a vehicle parked sticking out into roadway on ____ Drive was investigated. Vehicle was gone from scene upon arrival.
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A report of a suspicious person on ____ Drive was investigated and found to be a relative of a ____ Court resident looking for a taxi. Transported to HQ and taxi service secured.
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A report of individuals filming on ____ Drive was found to be local students working on a school project. No ordinance violations. Completed filming in short order.
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A reported suspicious person sitting in a vehicle on ____ Drive was found to be a tutor who arrived too early for scheduled lesson, waiting for student.
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Park and pool area was checked to verify the removal of a tree company’s equipment as required. All equipment was removed.
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At building department’s request, a construction site on ____ Drive was checked for fencing compliance. All was found to be in order.
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A dispute between a mother and son on ___ Drive was rectified.
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A report of a building site on ____ Drive pumping water into the street was investigated and verified that work had the okay of the building inspector.
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A ___ Path resident, concerned that their neighbors’ garage door was opened, was advised that all was in order upon officer’s investigation.
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A resident walking home from services reported not feeling well at HQ. Requested a ride home. Resident secured at their home with family.
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Village Clerk was assisted in getting information to ___ Park workmen regarding a downed tree at 55 ___ Drive.[/spoiler]
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A lot of these are perfectly understandable and expected duties of a small town police department. Still, I think my favorite entries are about the feral cats, the guy who was just waiting for a taxi–an action that apparently necessitated transporting him to headquarters, the kid film crew, the car sticking out of the driveway, the complaints about tree limb removal, and especially the woman who got a visit from the cops telling them to call her mom.
No burglaries were reported that month, by the way. The police report always includes the number of empty houses during the past month and whether there were any break-ins (almost never); they also include the mileage of the police cars and when they were last serviced.
I live in Manhattan now and the thought of comparing the equivalent police report for my local PD with my old hometown’s report above gives me the giggles. Of course the cops do what they need to, and I think it’s very cool that they assist so many residents with various things (like when they’re locked out, or not feeling well, etc.). It’s just the mundanity that makes me smile with affection. I really wish I still lived in that kind of environment.
So. Anyone else ever check their local police report and find interesting entries? Or am I just ridiculously lame and easily amused?