Real News--- No kidding

The funniest headlines thread reminded me of some funny news stories. One lurid story garnered about a week’s worth of print in both the New York Daily New and the Post about 3 years ago.

A man reported that a prostitute had severed his penis and ran away with his money. The police search for the savage whore.

After a week of investigation the police find out that the man, after drinking a fifth of vodka, decided he needed to slice some onions-- naked. Too embarressed to admit to cutting off his own member, the man then made up the (so much better for his image) story about the prostitute.

A few days before the 4th of July, the papers always run stories of horrible fireworks accidents. My favorite was the man with the homemade rocket launcher. It didn’t go off after he lit it, so he looked into the barrel to see what the problem was.

Anymore stories out there?

This sort of sounds like a Darwin awards thread.

A long while back, the local paper where I grew up had story about some idiot who cut his penis off with a chainsaw. What kind of position would you have to be in…

I’m sorry I have no link for this, but I swear I saw the article myself and am not relying on a friend of a friend’s account. The paper is on line now, but their archives only go so far back.

re: the fireworks story. My mother gleefully recalls the year fireworks were banned in Jersey. Her grandfather went off on a tirade about the government, ending in the statement: “It just won’t seem like the Fourth of July unless some kid shoots a finger off.” It is a solemn moment every Fourth, when Mom utters these words, and then starts giggling.

Don’t know if you were there for the Bullpout stories at the NYDopefest, Pinky. Basically, you city folk were terribly amused at the concept of Bullpout fishing. It breaks down like this.

Bullpout (spelling unknown) are an ugly-ass fish that for some reason, are desirable to catch. Though the term “catch” is not quite right. First, you light a bonfire, as these bottom feeders are attracted to the light and heat. Next, you make sure you’re good and drunk. You throw your rifle over your shoulder, and climb into a tree, where you can spot the fish heading toward shore. You next SHOOT THE FISH. With a rifle. The beauty part is that even if you are too drunk to shoot the fish with a rifle at close range, you stun the buggers enough so that they float to the surface, and you can collect them. As you can imagine, there are usually stories of drunken rednecks shooting thier own asses off during Bullpout season.

Tie Ming! Just collected a few…

In June in Camden, New Jersey, 2-year-old Matthew Mikel slipped while reaching for a cat on a balcony. He and the cat fell three stories; doctors said Matthew survived because his landing was cushioned by the cat, which did not survive.

At a book-signing appearance in Tampa, Florida, in July 1994, astronaut Alan Shepard refused the request of John Williams, 55, to sign a photograph, telling the man he would sign only purchased copies of his new book on the space program. The photograph Shepard refused to sign was a 1961 shot of Williams, then a helicopter crewman, pulling Shepard out of the Atlantic Ocean after his Mercury capsule splashed down on America`s first manned space mission.

In Burbank, California, in February, a 55-year-old man who placed an ad in a local bondage and discipline magazine arranged a liaison in his home with another man. When the man answered the door, the date forced him to crawl through his house to his bondage room, where the man was tied, nude, to a “proctologist table.” According to police, the date and his accomplice, waiting outside, then stole the man’s sofa, leather chair, TV set and other items. (4/11/96)

Chinese inventor Pu Danming recently claimed he had sold 50,000 of the “healthy cigarettes” that he introduced in Beijing in November. The product is a cigarillo-sized tube containing Chinese herbs plus a small battery and microchip and a dozen other components, but no tobacco. The cigarette is not lighted; rather, when the “smoker” takes a puff, a light flashes on the end to imitate a burning ash. Also, the cigarette plays a patriotic song when puffed on, and, said Pu, “The mixture (of herbs) is also good against cancer.” (5/2/96)

According to a report in the Portland Oregonian, Republican U.S. Rep. Wes Cooley now says that biographical information he submitted in the 1994 official state voters’ pamphlet might not have been exactly right. The line “Army Special Forces, Korea” does not exactly mean that he served a tour of duty in Korea, but that the Korean conflict was going on at the same time he was in the Army. Cooley had previously said, via a staff member, that since Special Forces performed secret missions, he was not at liberty to comment. Furthermore, military historians mentioned by The Oregonian doubted that Special Forces units were operating during the Korean conflict, and Cooley said his Army records were destroyed in a 1973 fire. Also, in the 1992 pamphlet, he listed himself as “Phi Beta Kappa,” but now says he was confused about the difference between the honor and being a member of his community college’s honor society. (5/2/96)

In Virginia, Robert Lee Brock, who is serving 23 years at the Indian Creek Correctional Center in Chesapeake for breaking and entering and grand larceny, admitted it was his own fault that he got drunk and committed a series of crimes, so he sued himself for $5 million for violating his own religious beliefs against drinking. Since he can’t work and is a ward of the state, he said the state should pay the $5 million. Conceding Brock had “presented an innovative approach to civil rights litigation,” Judge Rebecca Beach Smith nonetheless dismissed his claim as “ludicrous.” (5/15/96)

A district court in southern Sweden fined Elizabeth Hallin $680 for naming her 5-year-old son “Brfxxccxxmnpcccclllmmnprxvclmnckssqlbb11116.” She said the name is pronounced “Albin.” The Hallins said they would appeal the fine, arguing that the name is “a pregnant, expressionistic development that we see as an artistic creation.” (5/15/96)

Two weeks after embittered Montana Freeman Ralph E. Clark ordered a follower to nail to his fence the manifesto that began, “Freemen are NOT a part to the de facto corporate prostitute aka the United States,” the New York Times reported that Clark and his ranch partners received $676,082 in federal assistance over the past 10 years. (5/8/96)

A Nashville, Tennessee, jury convicted Raymond Mitchell III, 45, of tricking women into blindfolding themselves and having sex with him by claiming to be their boyfriend. Prosecutors said most of the hundreds of women that Mitchell called hung up, but of the 30 women who reported the encounters to police, eight said they had sex with the caller. One woman admitted having sex with the man twice a week over two months until she discovered he wasn’t her boyfriend during one encounter when her blindfold slipped off. (4/24/96)

I remember seeing this article too, but it was a long time ago, like maybe 1984 or so. Or maybe it was a differnet lumberjack and this is really a common thing?

I don’t know about the rest of you guy dopers, but I crossed my legs reading this thread…