The ghost thing reminds me of the best Halloween song ever, (appropriately) Halloween by Aqua. The lyrics aren’t especially bad except for, “Someone’s in here; I’m so full of fear!” No one says “full of fear”.
Valete,
Vox Imperatoris
Mary and Harry DO rhyme in that their final sounds are both the long “e” sound. The rest of the word does not have to sound the same in order for it to be a rhyme.
Shh! 
I thought about that, but I decided not to point it out.
Valete,
Vox Imperatoris
I think it’s parsed more like:
I could sleep, I could sleep when I lived alone!
Is there a ghost in my house?
Not that this improves things much.
All of the songs by ATC (A Touch of Class). They’re not so much stupid as they don’t make any f*cking sense!
I have to post some of this lyrical mastery:
Valete,
Vox Imperatoris
I, too, haven’t stopped laughing at the ghost/toast lyrics. That may be my new favorite song, and it certainly wins the thread.
However, I want to submit my nomination for a very clear second. It seems so obvious when you think about it. Vanilla Ice’s Ice Ice Baby contains, for example, this gem:
Quick to the point, to the point no fakin’
I’m cooking MC’s like a pound of bacon
It amazes me that a man who can put together timeless similes such as that with a funky beat hasn’t achieved more lasting success.
I’m going to offer this from The Ramones. Sure, making fun of The Ramones for bad lyrics is too easy, but this qualifies.
From their R.A.M.O.N.E.S.:
Good buddies mau mau mau?
One more. This falls under the ‘great song, great voice, stupid lyrics’ category. Either that, or the lyrics are so deep, mere mortals cannot comprehend them. I think it’s from the Buffy soundtrack.
Virgin State of Mind by K’s Choice:
It goes on in the same vein and generally leaves me feeling 
. Nice song, though.
Nonsense. This is only a valid argument if the long “e” sound at the end is stressed. “Mary” doesn’t rhyme with “jelly”; “belly” rhymes with “jelly.”
Now, “LeGree” can be said to rhyme with “Capri”. Thus, we can have a valid rhyme with:
Oh my, oh me
I am weeping for poor little E-
va, who was hunted down by Simon LeGree.
Now she’ll never see the Isle of Capri.
Hmm. I should set that to music, and maybe I can win this thread.
ETA: “Mary” and “Harry” do rhyme, without any rationalizing needed.
Speaking of Alanis Morissette…
None of the shit in her song “Ironic” is Ironic. It’s all unfortunate, but not ironic.
At the end the linked interview, they do go into the Great Vowel Shift that’s causing the great Mary Harry debate. Mary and Harry do not rhyme-- in Brooklyn. All you people who think that they do just live in the wrong place.
Ahh, part of that is just a suburban white girl’s blackface-show attempt to make herself sound “street.” Chrissy Hynde did much the same trying to sound “soulful” on “Brass In Pocket.” I’m not sure any black person would utter the phrase “I gonna,” but I’m certain no white not intent on minstrel-showism would. Plus Chrissy sounds through the entire song like she just suffered a moderate stroke, with all the put-on slurring (of some lyrics that might in fact merit inclusion here: “Gonna use my sidestep [if that’s in fact what she’s saying?]” WTF?).
That’s a good way to put it. More like we’d say Hari (Krishna) or Atari.
My dumbest lyric entry is a current hit. T-Pain’s Can’t Believe It has this earjerker:
Put you in a mansion , Somewhere in Wis-cans-hin.
Gahwch, my brain lobes!
I can still see evil vamp-Willow cruising into The Bronze to the lyrics of that song, never did she seem so sexy and powerful.
I’m nominating two people I really like.
First, David Bowie’s “Crack City,” which tries to be poetic and profane and fails at both:
*Don’t whore your little bodies
The worms of paradise
Like Everest it’s fatal
It’s peaks are cold as ice
…
Piss on the icon monsters
Whose guitars bequeath you pain
They’ll face you down to their level
With their addictions and their fast lanes
Corrupt with shaky visions
And crack and coke and alcohol
They’re just a bunch of assholes
With buttholes for their brains*
The distinction between “assholes” and “buttholes” is not really properly explained, I feel. Bowie should make an album about that.
And second, Lou Reed, “Caroline Says”:
Just like poison in a vial,
Hey, she was often very vile
Points deducted for the bad homophone rhyme, for the lazy use of “hey” and “often” to make the second line scan, for the fact that the line doesn’t even scan anyway, for the fact that the word “vile” is far too arch, and for the fact that “poison in a vial” already sounds like the second line you coughed up on deadline to rhyme with the first, but it is the first.
While I’m on a roll (no pun intended), another fine toast-themed lyric from Rapper’s Delight:
I don’t mean to brag, I don’t mean to boast
But I like hot butter on my breakfast toast.
Um, that’s…not actually a boast. Most people who have toast for breakfast have butter on it, or at least margarine if they’re watching their cholesterol. Butter is hardly a luxury good, and if you think that’s showing off your standards are really quite low.
Worst. Bling. Ever.
- Except maybe for Newcleus who have jam on it (DYSWIDT?).
One I’m surprised hasn’t been mentioned yet:
L.F.O - ‘Summer Girls’
“New Kids On The Block had a bunch of hits; Chinese food makes me sick”
and later on
“Billy Shakespeare wrote a whole bunch of sonnets”
A couple from the eighties:
The Human League - The Lebanon
Duran Duran - Is There Something I Should Know?
I have to agree. I . . . just don’t know where to begin commenting on these lyrics. Though, if they had come up with a good rhyme for cloaca, that would have been awesome.
Despite yielding to Morbo, I can’t let this thread go with two references to Neil Diamond, without mentioning
So, he’s so desperate to rhyme he slaughters proper English, but then resorts to assonance in the last line anyway!
Hey guys, I’m about to win the thread here. You ready? This is fucked up.
From the illustrious canon of the late Biggie Smalls:
What’s up
"“Don’t they know my nigga Gutter fuckin’ kidnap kids?
Fucks ‘em in the ass, throws ‘em over da bridge.”
No, Biggie, apparently they don’t know that. In fact, I’d wager quite a few people were surprised to learn that you hung out with THE FUCKING ATLANTA CHILD STRANGLER!! What the fuck, man?