I had the extreme displeasure of cleaning out the office fridge on Wednesday. A more vile task does not exist.
However, some good did come of it. I was inspired to create the following and mail it to the entire company:…tap tap tap…
Ahem… Is this thing on?
Ah, yes. Okay people, settle down. Quiet down now.
All right. Now, before I announce the winners, I would like to thank each and every one of you for participating in our Annual Refrigerator Science Fair. I think I speak for all the judges and administrators when I say that this year’s event has been a resounding success.
Clearly, a lot of thought and hard work went into all of the projects this year. It is my personal opinion that you are all winners, regardless of what this envelope holds. You have all shown a commitment to learning that is unequaled in refrigerators all across this great land of ours, and perhaps even around the world entire. Your diligence in conceiving interesting projects and insuring that they were nurtured along all the way to the end is unlike anything I have seen in all my years here, and I must say, I found it very inspiring. We all look forward to what you will leave in the fridge next year.
But let’s not get ahead of ourselves. It’s time to announce this year’s winners.
Can you hear me in the back? Okay, good.
First, the Honorable Mentions:
Number One –
The proud owner of the fruity, creamy health drink that exploded all over the back of the fridge can certainly hold their head high. Congratulations, and let me add that had this simply been a “Make As Big a Damn Mess as Possible” Contest, you would have won hands down. I don’t think many of us have ever witnessed such a spectacle. One astonished judge probably summed it up best when he said, “Holy *%#^&* *#@ !!! Will you &^%#% look at this &^%#%% mess!!” Indeed.
Number Two –
Whomever left the anonymous lump wrapped so cleverly in the back, you certainly earned bonus points with the judges when they couldn’t even begin to identify the original material. Bravo. The fact that it was so old that it didn’t even have an odor anymore really impressed us. Let me also add that the blue fuzz that so thoroughly engulfed your project nearly made one judge hurl just by looking at it; that might have been enough for the victory. We hope you enter again next year, as the wonderful packaging, foil wrapping inside a baggie inside a grocery bag generated as much suspense as we’ve seen in quite a long time.
Number Three –
Shriveled blueberries as hard as diamonds. Well done. We have seen dried and shriveled and rotten fruit of all descriptions over the years, but rarely have we come across any that stood up to our rigorous Hydraulic Press Testing System. And when it came time for the Wind Tunnel test, well… let’s just say that we were all very glad to be wearing our goggles.
And now, for the moment we’ve all been waiting for.
The Winner of Our Annual Refrigerator Science Fair:
The bag of lettuce turned into a thick brown liquid !!! Oh, congratulations. This was my personal favorite, and I am so happy for you. All day long the crowd was buzzing about how few actual bits of lettuce remained floating about in the sludge. And this crowd certainly knew totally disgusting rotten food when they saw it, because the judges agreed!! I doubt anyone will see such thoroughly decomposed produce again anytime soon. Way to go !!! Your sludge will be automatically entered into State Finals, assuming it doesn’t eat through the bag first.
Well, that just about wraps things up here. One note regarding prizes, though.
Um… yeah… once again this year, none of the entries were properly labelled, making actual presentations of awards impossible.
Therefore, the huge cash prizes will be carried to next year. So keep that in mind for next time, and thanks for coming.
Goodbye.
