"Reimbursement for expenses incurred"

The BBQ Pit
1

Excuse me? You kidnap someone, demand ransom, find out that their organization doesn’t do that, and then you demand compensation for the expenses you incurred for your expenses in holding them hostage? Oh, come on now!

Note that I am incredibly happy that no harm came to the four individuals. Note also that I despise kidnapping. Note too that I appreciate the local community’s outrage over the incident. Further note that I find it amusing that the kidnappees, missionaries that they are, talked to the kidnappers about their religion.

But, here’s an idea. If you don’t want to incur expenses related to kidnapping people, DON’T KIDNAP PEOPLE!

2

So by paying for the expenses, didn’t the LDS church actually end up paying a ransom after all, albeit not much of one?

3

Evidently. That’s also the way I see it. It’s pretty tacky to say, “Well, we fed the people. Why don’t you give us some money to pay for the food they ate?”

It’s pretty sad that the situation in that country is such that kidnapping is a popular way of getting some spare cash.

4

Missed a perfect chance to run the Ransom of Red Chief deal…

5

Don’t forget lodging. Some of those hotels in Port Harcourt can be pretty pricey. At forty bucks a day for each of the 4 kidnapees, the group was probably holed up in someone’s aunt’s basement subsisting on crummy takeout.

6

The story you’ve linked to is so strange I feel certain I must be missing some crucial information about the situation or its context. So I can’t make any judgment on the issue.

-FrL-

7

It’s so strange that I just went with the strangest thing of it to pit. The story itself is a veritable gold mine for pitting any number of choices.

8

These abductions are serious and scary and frequently tragic, and widespread enough to give one the shivers. But in this case, and I apologize for any offense, the effect is comic.
Kidnappers: Hi there, um, we’d like to return these.

LDS Help Desk: No problem, I just need to fill out this form for our records. Reason for return?

Kidnappers: Well, um, they just turned out to be not what we wanted.

LDS Help Desk: In what way?

Kidnappers: Oh, you know how you see something in the market, and you think it’s just what you want, but then you get it home and unwrap it and, it, uh…

LDS Help Desk: Just doesn’t fill the bill?

Kidnappers: Right! Right, just doesn’t look quite, you know, once you get it all arranged with that day’s newspaper propped on it and –

LDS Help Desk: Say no more. We understand perfectly.

Kidnappers: Not that there’s anything wrong with them, you see.

LDS Help Clerk: Oh, good.

Kidnappers: In the right context, I’m sure they’d be very nice.

LDS Help Desk: Many do think so: in fact, they’re our most popular export.

Kidnappers: But not for us, I’m afraid. Just … not what we had in mind.

LDS Help Desk: Well I’m sure our staff can help you pick out something more suitable. What exactly did you have in mind?

Kidnappers: Yes, well, about that, we were actually thinking about going in a different direction entirely, er, I mean, possibly–

LDS Help Desk: Because our policy on returns is strictly for exchange only.

Kidnappers: Ow, um, that’s a bit of a blow, you see, because we were hoping for something much less, I mean, a little more, well…

LDS Help Desk: Upscale?

Kidnappers: Yes. No! I mean, I don’t mean that what you have here isn’t nice. It’s just that … may I be completely honest?

LDS Help Desk: That would be very welcome.

Kidnappers: The problem isn’t with the … frankly, we were a little worried because, after doing some research, we discovered that their resale value wasn’t what we expected.

LDS Help Desk: Well, if that’s the only reason you acquired them, I can’t have much sympathy. We try to cater to clients who are interested in being good and caring owners, not just in turning a quick profit.

Kidnappers: Yes, yes, of course you’re right, but perhaps an exception could be made just this once? I mean, you can see how well we’ve taken care of them.

LDS Help Desk: They do seem, well, cherry, if I may use the term. That is a point in your favor.

Kidnappers: And you are clearly in a better position to handle them than we are. You’d have to see to that even if we took something else in exchange, wouldn’t you?

LDS Help Desk: Certainly, but even so, company policy–

Kidnappers: And nobody wants to see something like this on Ebay, sold to God knows who, the set perhaps broken up, even stripped for parts.

LDS Help Desk: Heaven forbid!

Kidnappers: Look, we admit making a mistake, but we’re trying to be responsible here. We just want to get out of this while losing as little as possible and doing no harm. We’re perfectly willing to submit to a reasonable penalty fee.

LDS Help Desk: If there were to be a cash refund, what was your original outlay?

Kidnappers: $810. And we promise to do our research first next time, so this doesn’t happen again. No more grabbing on impulse for us!

LDS Help Desk: Fine.

Kidnappers: Thank you. Thank you very much.

LDS Help Desk: Do you have your receipts?

9

King, that’s wonderful. Well, except for one minor detail. The set in question is a domestic product, if you will.

Oh, and could you manage to work in something about their patter to the kidnappers? After all, while captive, the missionaries did try to teach the basics of their faith to their captors.

10

Well, something could be domestic and still a popular export.

I knew I wasn’t spending enough time on this joke, but whenever I get an idea for a post I also get the awful sensation that fifty other people got it first, so I tend to rush things and miss opportunities.

Your suggestion is a good one, and there’s a lot of room for other improvements as well. If it’s worth it to you (it’s your thread: I’m just being stupid in it), I’ll spend some time on it and try to make it funny this go-round.

11

Go for it. After all, the guys got returned safely. This is a blame sight better than what happened to two female LDS missionaries a bit further south in Africa last year, IIRC. They were raped and beaten. The men who did that got caught while attempting the same to some other young woman. I don’t know anything at all about the outcome of that case.

12

This wouldn’t be a problem if more people chose to do business with their Nigerian Business Partners that try so desperately to get our attention.

13

That’s the only way to read it that makes any sense to me. The church doesn’t pay ransom, so they must, of necessity, call it something else.

I only pray the reclassification doesn’t wreak havoc on the kidnappers’ bookkeeping and tax accounting procedures.