The Really Modern Pentathlon:
– The Sixty-Mile Commute in Rush Hour
– The 1500 Meter Walking While Texting
– The Search for Enough Space to Play Beach Volleyball at the Beach on a Long Weekend
– The Bicycle Courier Race through a Busy Downtown
– The Dexterity Event: Handling a smartphone, Starbucks coffee, briefcase, and MP3 player all at once.
Nastiweightput - Male
Each country has their heaviest male weightlifter throw their lightest female gymnast down the shotput area. Must grip two limbs on the gymnast. Russians have won everyone of these since inception.
Maroweightput - Female
Each country has their heaviest female weightlifter thrown their lightest (male) marathoner down the shotput area. Romania has one very one of these since the fall of the iron curtain–East Germany won all prior to the fall, experts believe the dominance due to this was one way EG’s made it over the Berlin wall. Ethiopia barred from competition.
Can’t we just put the horses in the water?
Javelin will now be for accuracy.
Archery targets will now be moving.
100 meter moonwalk! Yes, there will be music set to it
Horses will no longer be the only animals who are qualified to be Olympians. We introduce…bear wrestling!
Only if it’s played with a solid ball at the bottom of the pool.
The martial arts events will involve each competitor being surrounded by a ring of black-clad ninjas who attack one or two at a time. Points awarded by a panel of judges for style, time, quality of stunt work, and number of ninjas who are kicked through glass panes and wooden bannisters.
Good idea, but in the old games women were not allowed to watch (and certainly not participate). However, we are more broadminded now.
Bonus points if your lips move with no relation to what you are saying. Extra bonus points if you can include “Huh! You have dishonored my family. Huh! Huh! Prepare to die!” in your routine.
I think that’s the Jerome K. Jerome.
Peter Kay for the Olympics!
Going back to the centathlon, there would need to a rule disqualifying suicides.
The other day, I thought up a different way to turn diving into a real sport and a beauty contest, but quite the opposite of Gedd’s idea****. With each successive round, they make the pool shallower and shallower. In each round, each diver can either attempt the dive or chicken out and be removed from the competition. Whoever makes the shallowest dive and still survives wins.
Pole Vault:
Instead of using a shaft to boost oneself over a high bar, the event now involves sprinting down a track as in long jump, but rather than leaping over and into a pit of sand, the athlete leaps Evel Knievel style over a bunch of Polish nationals laid in a row.
White Water Polo - teams of swimmers compete to capture multiple balls and hit targets/goals, as they traverse the kayak course (downstream, of course)
Not a joke idea but I really would like to see a running competition in which they simply measured for the fastest top speed.
Shot putt: Moving the ball through a golf course by shooting at it with a pellet gun.
How about a Pirate Pentathlon? Consisting of shooting (musket & cannon), grappeling, cutlassing and stand-up comedy (I’ve seen the Pirates of the Caribbean films).
I meant to say “NOT a beauty contest.”
They should also go ahead and just add dodgeball and paintball . . . mixed together.
Paintballdodge.
Competitors must also be dressed as a superhero from their country (though no powers or equipment may be used).
You’re not thinking big enough: Captain America throwing the discus! Zorro winning the Modern Pentathlon!
If I may extend this discussion to Winter sports as well I’d like to propose an alpine biathlone. Downhill skiing with target shooting on the run.