Remarriage for widows and widowers

Factual Questions
1

Someone posted to advice columnist Carolyn Hax’s chat this afternoon as follows:

“The facts are the facts. 85% of men are married or in a committed relationship within 2 years after their wife dies. 5% of widows are.”

I found both of these numbers…very surprising. I would have guessed that men are indeed more likely than women to find romance after the death of a spouse, but I thought that 85% seemed much too high and 5% way too low.

Of course, my impression is based almost entirely on people I know, which may skew one way or another. So I did a little online research and found:

–a study suggesting that the actual numbers are 61% for men and 19% for women, again within two years, but this research seems to be from 1996

–another, more recent, study, focusing (I think) on Canada, saying a 29% remarriage rate for men within TEN years and 7% for women, also in ten years (and half as many in each case for cohabitation without marriage)

–another study, this one from 1995, which finds that in the over-65 population the rates of remarriage are just 20% for men and 2% for women

–yet another, suggesting that just 12% of widowers and 5% of widows ever remarry (for the record, I find both of these numbers surprisingly low)

Well, that’s enough to indicate the issue. I am not quite feeling up to the task of evaluating the different figures. Wondering where the “facts” in the chat may have come from, and how accurate they are; also if there is a generally-accepted figure that likely reflects the reality of the 2020s. Or if this is just one of those things that nobody really knows the answer to.

Anyway, as a widower of more than two years who is neither remarried nor in a committed relationship at present, I’m just curious! Thanks for any information.

2

I would expect that, since most marriages are between people fairly close in age, and since most death is from old age, most widows and widowers are themselves fairly close to death, and probably a fairly high percentage of them die themselves before getting a chance to remarry.

I also suspect that many of the folks who compile such statistics would say that that “doesn’t count”, and have some criterion for excluding it. But they might all have different criteria, and such different criteria might lead to very different numbers.

3

As a widower of a bit more than 2 years who is remarried I’m curious too. So far the score is 50% of men do it. :wink: Now we just need some lady Dopers who lost their husbands to chime in.

I’m kidding of course about our own local demographics being meaningful. But I am seriously curious to learn what we can about this.

I think a lot of these studies are going to fall apart (or be incomparable to one another) on the vague notion of “committed relationship”. Being married is real binary, has plenty of documentary evidence available to statistical analysis, etc. I could easily see men and women collectively having very different ideas about what constitutes a “committed relationship”. And of course each study has their own definition too.

Over 65 remarriage in the USA will be well-documented with SSA. Whether an academic could get that data is a different question.

But I will say that “over-65” is a risky demographic to talk about because that’s 65yos and also 95yos. In that age group the life expectancy difference really begins to bite, and the later in life the worse it gets. The male remarry rate will have to exceed the female remarry rate by a bunch just because if by magic 100% of men got married to women their age, that would still leave anywhere between 20% and 90% of the women single for lack of living potential partners.

ETA: Partly ninja-ed by @Chronos.

4

My Daddy was widower-ed early. He had plenty of relationships but he never remarried.
From talking to these women I figured there are way more women than men in those age groups. So there’s bound to be more men in committed relationships and married than women.

Simple math, not enough to go around.

5

My mother is a widow of 25 years or so. She was not interested in entering another relationship until she heard that her sister-in-law (or someone, I don’t recall exactly) had made a bet that she would be dating again within X years, and the person who took the “yes” side of the bet had “subtly” encouraged her to do so. That’s a data point that widows at a remarriable age are slow to find new partners. I suppose her having a 16 year old son as an only child made it more reasonable than someone with young children; I even had to drive her to work for a while after she broke her leg fairly soon after.

She’s been in several long-term relationships, and her current one is at around 10 years, with about 3 of those years being engaged, but having had the only date set for the wedding canceled. I wasn’t totally shocked that they got engaged, but it’s something I had really hoped wouldn’t happen, and I’m very glad there’s unlikely to actually be a wedding (if only because I haven’t been to one in like 20 years, that is, since I could reasonable tell people that I simply didn’t want to go and not just be dragged there by my parent(s) - I just don’t like parties).

6

Here’s the SSA’s actuarial tables for various ages for both genders.

For round numbers, by age 40 we’ve lost 5.6% of men and only 3.2% of women. At age 65 24.5% of men are dead, but only 14.0% of women. Which says that if every 65yo wanted to pair off, the men would be 100% married and the women would be stuck at about 90% married, 10% unmarried for lack of a living potential mate.

At age 80, 54.5% of men and 39% of women are dead. So if every man married, ~25% of women would be partnerless. It gets rapidly worse after that.

If indeed the average man of any age marries somebody a couple to a few years younger, the demographic skew gets bigger. But not hugely bigger.

I conclude that at least for the under 80 crowd, the difference in the number of living men and women is not nearly the limiting factor, but it can contribute to the skew. Something else is the big driver here.

7

I was widowered at age 56. Started dating six months later; and was married three years after that.

8

I’ve been widowed for nearly 16 years. I lost my husband very suddenly and unexpectedly when he was 55. I was 50. I’ve been in a few committed relationships since, but not currently and I don’t foresee remarriage in my future.

It’s for a lot of reasons, but these are the main ones:

  • I really take my time in relationships and most men are surprisingly impatient to get reattached.

  • I don’t see any advantage in it. I’m financially stable, my life works well for me, I like not having to be accountable to someone else.

  • My late husband was the most amazing man and the best match I ever found. It would be unfair to hold another man to such a high bar – but it would also be very hard not to do it.

  • There’s too much at risk at this time of life. If we make mistakes when we’re young, we have time to regroup and recover. Screw up when you’re sliding into home base? The consequences can be dire and affect the quality of the rest of your life.

I have never found the availability of men to be an issue. Maybe I’m still too young to encounter this concern. It somewhat comes down to what you’re willing to settle for – and what he’s willing to settle for. It took me many years to find the right person the first time (second marriage for both of us). I’m dubious that lightning strikes twice and I don’t create opportunities for it to do so.

I have several female friends who are widows also. They feel much the same about it. Companions? Sure. Remarriage? Can’t see it.

All that said, to every widow or widower who has found happiness a second time around, I am delighted for you and wish you the very best!

9

I suspect this was a large part of my mother’s lack of desire to get remarried. She got married before she graduated from college, but ended up doing so eventually and had a good career of her own going (at my father’s insistence!). I’ve always feared her getting remarried and having her savings looted by her new husband, though that’s definitely not a problem with the guy she’s with now (but it started looking that way with the first one, which has made me nervous since then…)

10

Happens in both directions, I think. Some people are really practiced at putting up a front.

It happened to a woman I know. She was older for a first marriage, maybe late 30s, and finally met the man of her dreams – so she thought. She is very intelligent, attractive, was a successful real estate person – successful enough that she raised champion Friesian horses for the love of it. Last person I would ever have imagined could be hoodwinked by some grifter.

Long story short, he treated her like a queen for several years, swept her off her feet and she finally consented to marriage. On the wedding night, he turned to her and said, “Damn, glad that’s all over. Now I can be myself around you.” Her blood turned to ice as she realized the mistake she made.

Took her a long while to be shed of him and it cost her a lot of money. She rebuilt her life, but that’s a woman who will never remarry.

11

Hello…

This is in part due to the gender imbalance that occurs as one gets older. Not sure when the balance tips, but certainly by the 50’s that imbalance is already showing up. Older women outnumber older men, and with the tendency being for women to partner up with men the same age or older the dating pool for older heterosexual women is smaller than for heterosexual men middle-aged and older.

Some older people are in a committed relationship but choose not to marry for tax/pension/benefit reasons. I know of some elderly couples who live together and one such couple even owns a house together but they don’t marry because it would screw up their current retirement benefits. Financially, they are so much better off “living in sin” that they don’t marry.

Also, in the US if one or the other partner becomes seriously or chronically ill not being married protects the other partner’s finances from bankruptcy. These last two affect both sides of a relationship, but with women often being significantly poorer in retirement for a variety of reasons they may be more reluctant to risk what financial security they have.

Finally - in many instances there is an unfair balance in taking care of people in a marriage. I’ve spoken to quite a few widows who are just tired of taking care of everyone else and putting their wants and needs second (or worse). As single women they aren’t beholden to anyone or on call 24/7 to others. They have no desire to be in that position again however much they might love their deceased spouse, their children, and so on.

I must admit I am in the latter camp. I loved my husband and don’t regret the years we spent together, but especially towards the end I made a lot of sacrifices to take care of him. It’s such a relief to only have to worry about myself alone I am reluctant to pursue an intimate relationship with anyone else. I’m not saying never but I’m not out hunting for another partner.

Women are the unpaid for caretakers in our society. At the end you get a pat on the head and a thank you, then you’re forgotten and fearful there will be no one to take care of you when you need help in your final years.

12

Lots of cultural and biological reasons there’s an imbalance. Many already stated.

Biological: women have a smaller pool to pick from because men die earlier.

Cultural: men on average are looking for a younger woman to marry. That makes the dating pool for women even smaller.

Widows are (guessing here) more often tired of the burdens that typically come with marriage for women – the caregiving, organizing, housekeeping, emotional work, etc. Women who’ve spent their adult lives doing this, usually along with a nine to five job, don’t see the advantage of marriage, while men, particularly an older generation, who typically expect someone to do all of that for them, are more eager to sign themselves up.

13

I wonder how many of the men who move into new relationships fairly quickly, do so with friends of their late wives.

This happened to someone I know. After the funeral, there were a number of ladies who took it upon themselves to “look after” him. He was perfectly capable of looking after himself, but, hey, gift horses? Within a year he was happily partnered with a widow.

14

After my friend’s father passed away (he was not even 50), her mother started dating a woman, who had never been married before (or divorced, I don’t remember). At that time it wasn’t possible for them to get married. When it became legal, some “expert” told them that her mother would lose her widow’s benefits.

Some years later, they talked to a different expert, and found out that the first expert didn’t understand what they were talking about. The two women got married soon afterwards.

Another woman I know lost her first husband, 20 years older than her, when she was in her 30s. She will most likely outlive her second husband, also 20 years older than her.

Her family is tough on men - both of her sisters are widowed as well. Neither of them have remarried as they are occupied with taking care of their grandchildren.

My grandmother, 9 years younger than my grandfather, never got remarried. She had already spent 50 years “training” him and taking care of him, she had no interest in finding someone else she would have to take care of.

15

Heh. After my aunt died from Parkinson’s, my uncle hooked-up with her sister. He sounds very happy with the arrangement. When you are old there isn’t much time left to find happiness.

16

If this is ‘self-reported’ one variable would be if women have a different definition of ‘committed relationship’ than men do.

I was in a relationship but not what I would call committed within 2 years. I was remarried after 4 years. I was in my 30’s though.

My mom was in her 80s when her husband died. and she died 4 years later…I envision this as a different set of circumstances because of our age differences.

My stepmom was in a close relationship a few years after my dad died. But would she call it ‘committed’? I don’t know. I would define it as such, but I can see that she would NOT think it so. She was only seeing one guy pretty regularly, but wasn’t interested in remarriage. She was 70 when dad died.

17

My father died in 1969. His brother’s wife died in 1970. They married two years later. So that accords with the stats of the OP.

I might add that he took superb care of her when she came down with Parkinson’ in 1982 until she died in 1991. He remarried within two years. He put an ad in the local Jewish newspaper and got 100 replies. He dated them one by one until he got to #10 whom he married. He buried her too about 15 years later but didn’t try again and died within 2 years. He was around 80 by then.

18

Surely you told him to interview at least the first 100/e candidates!

19

I would think another issue might be keeping estates separate. If both people have children or others they want to leave their money to, not remarrying keep that simple. Like, if, say, i get widowed in my 70s, I would feel like whatever my husband and I had built to that point fundamentally belonged to our son. If I need it, great, that’s what its for, but myanything left over when all is said and done should go to our son because it was never just my money.

20

Those are standard estate problems with pretty standard solutions. Someone who elected to not get married over that was dealing with somebody they probably shouldn’t marry or put the cart badly before the horse.