Well man there ain’t a Goddamn thing that the cops can do,
So line back up for a side line view
Ringside seats for the neighborhood fight
There’s a rumble in Brighton tonight.
–Stray Cats
Fearlessly, the idiot faced the crowd, smiling. (Pink Floyd)
Ok,so I’m a little bored and after reading Richard McBeef and Mr.Brownstone I figured I could write something equally as stupid.Here is the story based on the lyrics posted up to post 93…sorry it really doesn’t have much of an ending.
Our story starts with John Smith and Bill McDonald standing on a street corner
John:
Here come old flat-top!
He go groooovin’ up slowly.
Bill:
Groovin on a sunny afternoon.
Really couldn’t get away too soon
(Flat-top enters. He is an ex-mercenary that has fought in several wars originally from Ohio)
John (speaking to Flat-Top):
Lookin’ for fun and feelin’ groovy?
Flat-Top (to John):
This is no social crisis.
This is you having fun.
Bill (noticing a group of Hare Krishnas dancing by):
Shiny happy people? What’s the matter here!
Head Krishna :(Sounding like the little fag in History of the World)
Happiness is an option!
John (ignoring the Krishna,responding to Flat-top):
What it is ain’t exactly clear.
Head Krishna (In same voice):
On a clear day
You can see forever!
Krishna #2 (Seems to be on drugs))
I can see for miles and miles,
I can see for miles and miles,
miles and miles and miles
and miles
and miles
Oh yeah…
Bill (to Krishna #2,hiding behind John,teasingly says)
You Can’t see me.
(continues to tease, tapping Krishna on the head)
Hello.
Is there anybody in there?
Just nod if you can hear me.
(A cow enters)
Cow:
Where have all the cowboys gone?
Head Krishna:
And where all the gods?
(A man walks slowly by)
John (Pointing at the man):
God Damn! The pusher man.
Krishnas (Chanting as a group):
Come on push it you can do it
Come on prove it nothing to it
Come on use it let’s get through it
Come on push it you can do it.
(Krishnas coral the cow and prance off looking for cowboys)
(John,Bill and Flat-Top are left standing on the corner, John starts describing the fight he had with his girlfriend(who used to date Bill) last night outside their house, her name is IT)
John:
I gave her a push, I gave her a shove.
Push, Push, in the bush.
Bill:
Ahh psssst push IT.
Push IT good.
Push-push IT real good.
John:
If you want me to, I will.
Bill:
Thank you for being a friend.
John:
That’s what friends are for.
Flat-top:
If your friends are there then everything’s all right.
I’ve got friends in low places.
Some people claim that there’s a woman to blame
But I know it’s nobody’s fault
(Flat-top seems to go into a trance and starts muttering, barely audible)
Brother he showed me the gong
Brother he showed me the ding dong ding dong
How to kick that gong to life
Oh, it’s nobody’s fault but mine
It’s dark as a dungeon way down in the mine.
Bill (grabs Flat-Top by the shoulders and shakes him):
Hold your head high and reach the top
Let the world see what you have got
Hold your head up, hold your head up
Hold your head up, hold your head high
John (joining in):
Stand tall.
Flat-Top: (Having flashbacks from the wars):
Now there’s no more oak oppression, for they passed a noble law, and the trees are all kept equal by hatchet, axe and saw
Wreathed in smoke in Lebabnon*
Lebanon, Charles de Gaulle, California baseball
Starkwether, Homicide, Children of Thalidomide
(John and Bill are now looking on in stunned silence,wondering what they should do)
(Flat-Top continues his rambling nonsense):
This old man, he played four,
Choose de Gaulle or civil war!
Come back president, govern by decree,
Referendum, oui, oui, oui!
Four dead in Ohio…(repeated several times)
(Flat-top is now crying)
And only say that you’ll be mine
In no other arms entwine
Down beside where the waters flow
Down by the banks of the O-Hi-Oh
I went back to Ohio, but my city was gone
(Now screaming)
If I had a rocket launcher
Some son-of-a-bitch would die.
(John and Bill look at each other and shrug and go into the Bar across the street,as they enter the bar they hear Flat_top still ranting)
Flat-Top:
C’mon you women and don’t be late
I’ll give you a ride in my Rocket 88.
(As John and Bill take a seat at the bar, Jeopardy is playing on the TV.Alex asks about a woman astronaut)
John (In response to Jeopardy)
Ride, Sally Ride.
(John asks Bill about how Flat-Top met IT(who also used to date her)
Bill:
Well he remembers the nights when the stars they burned bright
And she let him go all the way
Said IT was different that time 'cause she said take your time
Slow down let me show you the way
(John ask Bill about his first time with It):
We made love in my Chevy van
And that’s all right with me.
But I’m crazy 'bout a Mercury… gonna buy me a Mercury and cruise IT up and down the road.
(John asks Bill why he and IT broke up)
(Bills describes the pet names they had for each others genitalia,since they had first made love in his van down by the dam)
Bill:
I drove my Chevy to the levee, but the levee was dry.
John: (agreeing with Bill)
When the levee breaks, I’ll have no place to stay.
Bill:
Like a rock, I was strong as I could be
We were young and strong and runnin’ against the wind
John:
She’s like the wind.
(A woman named Mary who just got off work from the gas station is sitting nearby. She is smoking a cigarette,overhearing the conversation Mary says):
“They call the wind Mariah,the wind!” cries Mary.
(She drops her cigarette on her lap igniting the fuel she had spilt on herself at work)
Bartender:(Screaming at John and Bill)
PUT OU THE FIRE!!!
John and Bill(In unison)
WE DIDN”T START THE FIRE!!!
(in the background we hear a song on playing on the Juke Box)
ashes to ashes funk to funky
we know major tom’s a junky
strung out on heaven’s high
hitting an all time low
(this reminds Bill how IT was always calling him the wrong name and nagging)
Bill (griping about IT)
Well “Tom, do this” and “Tom, do that”, and “Tom, don’t do that”,
Count the cash, clean the oven, dump the trash,
Oh your loving is a rare and a copacetic gift.
I Don’t Wanna go on With You Like That.
Bartender(Explaining to John and Bill he is closing up):
If you gotta go, go now, or else you gotta stay all night.
John(pointing to a customer at the end of the bar):
Well, there’s a man down there…
Might be your man, I don’t know.
asked your mother if you were at home,
She said yes, but you weren’t alone.
Bartender:
Leave me alone, get out of my face!
John(walks away and calls IT on his cell phone,we pick up the conversation midway)
…And if you live by the rules of “it’s over”
then I’m sure that that makes sense.
I just made you up to hurt myself.
(we hear ITs voice on the phone)
IT:
Who made who, who made you?
If you made them and they made you
Who are you?
(IT is now screaming)
Who? Who? Who? Who?
(In the background the TV is just finishing a cereal commercial)
TV announcer:
Life!
John(still on phone with IT):
I can’t live, ‘cause livin’ is without you
IT:
You’re no picnic either, babe
And that’s one of the things I loved about you.
Its kind of tough to tell a scruff the big mistake he’s making.
Billy, don’t be a hero.
(John gets infuriated by being called Billy,runs over to Bill,still sitting at the bar and smashes a pool cue over his head)
(The scene shifts to a court room,3 years later due to a mix up in the legal system)
Prosecuting attorney:
Johnny’s been a very bad boy!
Judge (speaking to John):
Bad boys, bad boys
Whatcha gonna do, whatcha gonna do
When they come for you?
(Judge asks the Prosecutor where the victim is)
Prosecutor:
Billy Mack is a detective down in Texas.
You know ,he knows just exactly what the facts is.
(at that very moment Bill unexpectedly walks in)
Bill:
O the line forms on the right dear
Now that Mackie’s back in town.
Prosecutor (to Bill):
They were askin if you were around,
How you was, where you could be found.
Bill (adressing prosecutor by her first name)
Maureen
It’s hard to explain
You’ll never call round to see me again
You’ll never meet my new friends.
Prosecutor:
But you got to have friends.
The feelings oh so strong.
You got to have friends
To make that day last long.
Bill (explaining his difficulties after the assault)
I’ve seen lonely times when I could not find a friend(but now)
I get by with a little help from my friends
John(sees his sister,Rhonda walk in the court room jumps up and yells)
Help me Rhonda! Help, Help me Rhonda!
Help! I need somebody. Help! Not just anybody!
Rhonda:
Trouble me,
disturb me with all your cares
and your worries.
John:
Yesterday
All my troubles seemed so far away
Now it looks as though they’re here to stay.
Rhonda:
Yesterday’s gone…
Yesterday’s gone!
(John is now on the witness stand describing the hours after the attack)
And I raaan, I ran so far awaaay
And I raaan, I ran all night and daaay
(Prosecutor asks what happened to Mary):
John:
She ran calling wildfire.
The End?
The lights go down
The stage is set
The man in the wings breaks out in sweat
A backstage joker spiked his coke
While the dressing room was full of smoke (Moody Blues)
Sorry bout the frowns…too late for the edit. spose to be (
and the combo went back to New York
the jukebox has to take a leak
and the carpet needs a haircut
and the spotlight looks like a prison break
cause the telephone’s out of cigarettes
and the balcony’s on the make
and the piano has been drinking
the piano has been drinking… (Tom Waits)
And the piano sounds like a carnival
And the microphone smells like a beer
(Billy Joel)
Oh, it’s beer, beer, beer,
That makes you feel so queer!
On the farm, on the farm
Oh, it’s beer, beer, beer,
That makes you feel so queer!
On the Leland Stanford Jr Farm!
My eyes are dim, I cannot see
I have not brought my specs with me!
–UC Chico drinking song, circa mid 1950s
99 bottles of beer on the wall
99 bottles of beer
Take one down
Pass it around
98 bottles of beer on the wall…
99 Decision Street, 99 ministers meet
To worry, worry, super-scurry
Call the troops out in a hurry
This is what we’ve waited for
This is it boys, this is war
The president is on the line
As 99 red balloons go by.
War! What is it good for? Absolutely nothing!
A four week operation when each step could mean your last one on two legs
It was a war within yourself.
But you wouldn’t let your mates down til they had you dusted off
So you closed your eyes and thought about something else.
(Redgum)
Back at home a young wife waits
Her Green Beret has met his fate
He has died for those oppressed
Leaving her this last request
–Barry Sadler
she had two babies
one was six months one was three
in the war of '44
every telephone ring
every heartbeat stinging
when she thought it was God calling her
oh would her son grow to know his father
(Paula Cole)
And the cat’s in the cradle and the silver spoon
Little boy blue and the man on the moon
When you comin’ home dad?
I don’t know when, but we’ll get together then son
You know we’ll have a good time then
–Harry Chapin
If you believed they put a man on the moon, man on the moon
If you believe there’s nothing up my sleeve, then nothing is cool
– R.E.M.
Believe, believe in me, believe
In the resolute urgency of now
And if you believe there’s not a chance tonight
Tonight, so bright
Tonight
We’ll crucify the insincere tonight
We’ll make things right, we’ll feel it all tonight
We’ll find a way to offer up the night tonight
The indescribable moments of your life tonight
The impossible is possible tonight
Believe in me as I believe in you, tonight
(Smashing Pumpkins)
Today, while the blossoms still cling to the vine
I’ll taste your strawberries, I’ll drink your sweet wine.
A million tomorrows shall all pass away
Ere I forget all the joy that is mine, today
–The New Christy Minstrels
Like strawberry wine and seventeen
The hot July moon saw everything
My first taste of love oh bittersweet
Green on the vine
Like strawberry wine
– Deana Carter
It’s been a long slow collision,
I’m a pitbull, you’re a dog,
Baby you’re foul in clear conditions
But you’re handsome in the fog
I need some fine wine and you, you need to be nicer
For the good times
and the bad times we know will come (The Cardigans)