It’s perhaps somewhat a cultural/regional thing. And by “regional” I don’t necessarily mean one country vs. another, but in fact potential differences (as indeed I’ve noticed) between urban areas and suburban ones, which tend to be much more friendly and conversational, at least around here. It’s almost at the point (in my suburban location over the last decade) that NOT being asked “how are you?” when you approach a cashier seems indicative of not being trained properly, or just being lazy, or something. Almost everybody does it.
I notice that a large number of people tended to reply along the lines of “Fine, how are you?”, but that was before COVID. Now I’m half a mile away due to “social distancing” and have no idea what the hell they’re saying. I presume the same thing.
The vast majority of the time my reply is “fine” as I pile my groceries onto the belt, and I think they prefer that to getting the stupid rhetorical question thrown back at them, since it requires no answer. Occasionally if I’m really having a bad day I’ll answer quite honestly, “pretty lousy – my car just developed a major problem on the way down here” or something to that effect. It’s interesting to watch the variety of reactions that this elicits. Hey, if you don’t want to know, don’t ask!
It’s certainly regional. No one does that in Manhattan. And I remember talking to a friend there who found it incredibly annoying when he visited the midwest and random people he didn’t know would ask him how his day was going and similar social pleasantries. “It’s none of their goddam business how my day is going”, he would grumble.
He was a gregarious guy, and pretty neurotypical as math professors go.
If when I was working retail, someone circled around the counter to sniff my butt, I’d be annoyed. We’re not dogs, that’s not how we greet each other!
But someone saying, “How are you?” That is how we greet each other. It’s no more a request for a breakdown of one’s feelings than the “please” in a request (short for “if you please”) makes the request conditional on fulfilling it being a source of pleasure, or “goodbye” a genuine request to be accompanied by God.
Deciding to take social niceties literally comes across either as a deliberate bit of recreational outrage, or an inability to understand how language works. Either way, it’s the problem of the person doing that.
It’s different if someone’s coming from a culture where “how are you?” isn’t used as a social nicety. Even then, the person does best to understand that folks are from different cultures and to cut people slack in this regard.
I’ve learned to live with “How are you?” (or around here “How ya doin’?”) from people… It’s basically hello with an added veneer of caring about other people.
Since I don’t like to lie, I like to find a short response that translates to “Yeah, life’s tough and we both know it”. OR I do my errands on a day where I’m doing great, managed to maintain a good attitude, and I’m enjoying the pandemic. So I can truthfully say:
"FUCKING excellent!"
The sight of a little elderly academic-looking fellow doing a fist pump and clearly rocking life gets their attention.
And both the negative and the hyper-positive replies remind them that they aren’t just slinging platitudes, they’re asking people an actual question.
I don’t work retail now but I did for a number of years, ranging from shelf-stocking to management. For the amount of bullshit customers did out of thoughtlessness up through active malice, I can’t imagine wasting time on being mad when they’re trying to be nice. Or at least use a standard bit of social lubricant when interacting with me.
I should qualify that I usually say thank you at the speaker, and then throw it in a few extra times as I proceed along the line. I wasn’t feeling well that day. (I also tip really well. Someday we’ll get fair pay straightened out, until then I help out where I can.)
I went through a phase, when suffering from depression, where I hated the question. Why? Because they don’t really care or really want to know how I am. I even had a boss berate me, asking “Why can’t you just say ‘fine’ like everyone else? It’s just a formality!” I responded, “Why do you think people should lie about how they are? If you don’t want to actually know how I am, stop asking. You are wasting time and effort, not me.”
This is the point at which I first realized I should get professional help, if I could no longer cope with daily niceties.
Now, I answer “Just ducky!” and leave it alone. For some reason, that answer always makes them smile and think everything is good. Sometimes, it even is.
There’s also the fact that this is likely dictated by the manager who’s been told by some Marketing Clown in Corporate that this constitutes “Good Customer Service”. Ignore that “Good Customer Service” should be a well-stocked store and well-trained and properly paid staff.
It’s a social convention, yes, but not exactly meaningless. It’s a pleasantry, a politeness. IMO, we can use as much of that as we can get right now. I interact with strangers all day long, and when they are pleasant and polite it makes my job SO much easier.
I try to stay upbeat, so my go-to answer to “How are you?” is usually “Great, thanks!” And I like to respond to “Have a nice day” with “I already am!”
“How are you?” is not a question that asks for any detailed answer. It’s a social convention to smooth interactions. No one really expects a serious answer (that would usually be “How have you been?”). Indeed, they probably aren’t actually interested in the answer and would be put off if you told them exactly how you feel.
The correct answer is 'Fine." A “How are you?” is optional, and the answer would be some version of “fine.”
But the exchange is a way of acknowledging you as a human being. It’s the social part of communication.
It’s a rough equivalent of saying, “You’re welcome.”
Agree 100%. It’s been well over 40 years since I worked on the direct customer contact end of retail but I just took the “how are you” as a basic respect as a person.
I wonder if being disabled shades his perspective. I know I dread the question now in many contexts, and I understand why he might feel that any answer is wrong. Isn’t there also a time when the question itself is insulting, because no one gives or expects to get a real answer? I suspect that Miss Manners would feel that polite greetings cause no harm, and show that you consider the greeter (or greetee) a human being instead of an automaton.
Overall, I think it’s a societal ritual and does no harm. It casts a veneer of civilization, which can’t be a bad thing, these days.
When I was depressed, I had a lot of difficulty with ‘How are you?’.
Secondly, I was depressed, and wished I was dead.
But firstly, depression is marked by poor judgement, including literalism, and those situations where there is a discrepancy between what people say, and what they mean, were difficult for me.
Now, I just say “G’day” when they ask. One meaningless social utterance in return for another.
As a teacher, I get quick “Drive-By Greetings” where students or teachers are hurrying past you between classes, and they throw you a rushed “Howzitgoin?”
I’ve been known to respond with a chipper 'Really crappy, thanks!" As long as you keep an upbeat tone they reply “Awright!”
Hey, if you don’t want to know, don’t ask!