So, let’s just start off by saying I live in New Jersey. You’ve probably heard the rumor that New Jersey drivers are terrible, and as a Michigan transplant I am here to tell you that it is so very true. I’ve never seen worse driving in my life. And traffic is so thick no matter where you go.
I currently have the commute from hell - on a perfect day it’s 90 minutes there and back. So I’m spending three hours on the road, bare minimum. In addition to this, I have a lot of anxiety while driving. I worry the most about doing things wrong and other drivers honking at me. I also worry about accidents. Honestly, I worry constantly while I’m on the road. I work in Philadelphia and I hate driving in Philadelphia.
This has all culminated into turning me into a gigantic ball of stress. I didn’t used to have road rage, but now I find myself mentally bitching out just about every vehicle on the road. I haven’t taken it out on other drivers but I think about it all the time. Like tonight, there was this asshole going 10mph under the speed of traffic in the center lane of the NJ Turnpike. The situation was so fucked up because the way the rest of the traffic was aligned made it impossible to pass him. I felt the compulsion to start blaring my horn. I didn’t, but I wanted to so badly. By the time I get home every night, I feel like I literally need to scream. I have actually screamed in the privacy of my car before. And tonight was actually pretty ideal in terms of traffic conditions.
So, I’ve been really trying to get this under control. I’ve figured out ways to de-stress after the fact. I come home, jump in the bath, read, meditate, you know, just try to relax. During the commute, I switched from NPR to classic rock, because hearing about all the world’s problems doesn’t really help. I’ve really been trying to stay in the present moment. I’ve tried diaphragmatic breathing. Nothing seems to help.
Oh, and changing jobs or commuting methods is not an option. I’m moving in a few months to another state, and the train from where I live is ridonkulously expensive and long.
My deepest sympathies. I used to take the route the other way, from Philadelphia (actually all the way out in Valley Forge) to Exit 9. I can offer no real help. I moved to Edison for a while to end the commute, but not too long after that I moved on altogether.
Have you tried audio books? Friends of mine who do long drives swear by them.
Other than that, my only suggestion is just to practice not sweating it. Leave in plenty of time, go with the flow of traffic and take it easy. (I know, I know, easier said than done.)
I’ve drastically changed driving styles over the last few years (I used to be a serious Bat Outta Hell driver, now I’m the kinder gentler redtail. :p) and I’m much less stressed.
A big part of it was a nasty wreck (not my fault and no one badly hurt, but in a different car I coulda been dead) that really shook me up. I’ve always been a good and confident driver, but for a while there I was much more comfortable with the grannies over in the slow lane, and discovered that there are some benefits to that.
I’m not sure how to help with the stress of not liking to drive in general, that’s just foreign to me. If you were here, I’d give you some driving tips to be more comfortable, but I suspect they wouldn’t apply where you are.
The screaming may actually be therapeutic if not overused. The key is to go with the flow and avoid making these judgments of other drivers. Just think of them as robots who do whatever they do without choice. The stress is from the anger which derives from these evaluations of other drivers. Playing music is a good idea. Bring along a variety of your own music and monitor what music seems to have the most calming effect.
I haven’t had to commute daily in those conditions, but have been stuck in some bad traffic and it really stresses me out as well. In stop and go traffic, my foot usually starts hurting after constantly switching between the break and acceleration pedals.
Maybe audio books might work for you, I can’t focus on them while driving. My mind wonders.
NPR can be the worst or best thing. If the Grammar Girl gets on, I don’t want to get out of my car. Like you said though, most of the time it is about how truly messed up things are.
Download or somehow acquire the album Dive by Tycho. It is a beautiful album that will take your mind to a more peaceful place. It is soothing electronic music that your mind can lock onto. When I get some bad road rage, I put the gun back under the seat, roll up the window and turn it on
One of the things that drove (heh) me crazy about commuting was wasted unconstructed time. So having something (listening to learn Spanish CDs for instance) was a HUGE help. The stress went way down because I stopped feeling as if so much time was being wasted.
I used to commute 60-70 minutes each way. Finding a talk radio show/station that you enjoy helps a lot. I was on the road always around the same time, so the same talk radio shows became a part of my routine that I actually looked forward to. Don’t listen to rock music, though, it will only increase your aggression when dumb drivers do their thing…
I have fought with road rage for the last decade or so, too, and I’m finding one simple change is making a huge difference for me - when I start driving, I say out loud, “Drive carefully, drive calmly.” It has really turned down the heat under my kettle. (“Drive carefully” is a reminder to myself to pay attention and don’t get complacent.)
I commute from Manhattan out to Bridgewater. Granted it’s a reverse commute but it’s a long reverse commute. Things that make it less sucky:
The person in the other car is me. They just want to get to where they’re going without too much drama. Not every decision is going to be spot-on.
I try to be more yielding. I’m not going to get to work or home any quicker by not letting someone in who “doesn’t deserve it” or whatever and I’m not going to teach anybody anything.
Most jams are predictable, so I plan for them.
Why scream when I can sing? :o
The earlier the better, but I’m not typically a morning person.
My big challenge is staying awake going home, so I hit the espresso machine in the pantry just before leaving or half a cup of French roast if the espresso machine is on the fritz.
Talk radio, cranking up the tunes, sometimes nothing but listening to the engine. I mix up the audio portion of my trip.
IMO Jersey drivers aren’t too bad when they’re in New Jersey but when they’re in NYC it’s like they have to beat everybody or something.
The rage and stress you feel is a leftover from prehistoric ancestors who needed adrenaline to fight or flee. In traffic you can do neither. Getting upset is only churning up your stomach acids and weakening your immune system.
There is nothing you can do about the traffic. Nothing.
Remember that every other driver on the road wants the same thing you do – to get to a destination as soon as possible. Some of them may be stupid or careless (or on a cell phone), so you do want to be alert for danger, but getting angry is pointless.
At 65 years old ans living in Los Angeles traveling the buisiest freeway in the United States I can proudly say I never experienced road rage, or even anger while driving. I assume everyone is doing the best they can, I let people in when they are trying to change lanes etc. If someone makes a mistake I see it as just a mistake. If someone is driving rudely I allready know he is suffering from road rage so I feel no need to retaliate. Very simple, just make the decision not to get mad.
If you’ve never experienced it, then you have absolutely nothing relevant to offer here. You haven’t made a decision not to get mad. You just never got mad in the first place.
I will agree with the suggestion to try audio books. I used to have a really shitty commute in Seattle, much of which was spent sitting in bumper-to-bumper traffic and barely moving, and as someone else has said, it was wasting all that time doing nothing that really ate away at me. Listening to audiobooks made me feel like I was doing something constructive.
Definitely avoid NPR. It will only make you more angry. Politics-themed talk radio in general is to be avoided, IMO.
I drove in Houston traffic for nearly 30 years. Twenty of those were as you describe. Then, I bought a 1965 Dodge Coronet; 4 wheel drum brakes. Let me tell you, driving 4 wheel drums after learning on disk brakes is an adventure all in itself. Drum brakes will lock-up like nobody’s business. You just can’t afford to drive close enough to the car in front of you to prevent someome from cutting in front of you.
Once I learned to leave enough room in front of me so I could stop safely, the pressure faded away. It’s not going slow, it’s just leaving room. The slow guy? It doesn’t matter, if you leave room, you’ll get around him in a mile or so. That’s what, 60-90 seconds? On a 90 minute commute, it doesn’t matter. Someone just HAS to get in front you? Let him; it’s not going to cost you more than a few seconds.
Now, you don’t have to drive a death-trap, like I did. Just use the 2-second rule. It’s not going slow, it’s just leaving room. The object isn’t to get there as fast as possible, it’s getting there safely. The things that stress you out really don’t matter, getting there safely does.
If that’s the video I think it is, I learned from that guy and took his advice, and I already do this. It does help. I’m not the sort to ride other people’s asses or try to cut them off. I’m rather defensive in my driving (and hyper alert.) That’s why I’m so surprised to see this problem develop.
Thank you, that was very helpful. I have never heard of the 2-second rule before. I do worry a lot about whether I am at an appropriately safe distance, so this might take that part of the anxiety out of it.
Thanks everybody for your input. There are some good ideas here. I already am starting to feel better about this situation.
The best option I’ve found is to think of the other vehicles only as cars. Not drivers, or cars with drivers, just a collection of random cars doing random things on the road with me. That way I’m playing a huge real-world video game (and my monitor’s the size of a car windshield). And there aren’t any people to get mad at.
Sometimes I play mental games while I commute to help the drive go smoothly. One of my favorites is that I’ve just robbed a bank and am escaping in a getaway car (that no one’s aware of). My goal is to blend* with the traffic and complete my trip in such a way that no one on the road remembers me.
*I think if the other commuters don’t remember you, then you’re either a ninja or a pretty good driver.
I know these are goofy, but it helps me stay calm around the other, obviously inferior drivers.
You have my utmost sympathy. I’ve found keeping calm when driving to be an enormous psychic challenge. I live in your area too, so I know what you’re talking about. No matter how much I try to intellectually/emotionally disconnect, I can still get caught up in it at times, and it’s awful. I realize how silly and futile it is to buy into the craziness, but it still happens. As bizarre as it sounds, I actually try to remember to say my driving prayer every time I get behind the wheel :“Let us all drive together in peace and safety”. It seems to help me. Traffic as spiritual teacher! :smack:
On a practical level, if you can slightly stagger your hours it can make an enormous difference in the amount of traffic you have to deal with. Even leaving 15 minutes earlier can be significant.
I used to get really excited in the car - flipping people off and such. I made a concentrated decision/effort to stop - mainly out of fear of the other guy coing after me with his car or a gun. Not exactly the same as your situation, but just wanted to offer my experience. It has been a number of years, but I remember making a conscious effort, when some other driver pissed me off or surprised me, instead of getting mad, I would force myself to laugh instead. I actualy remember how pleased I was with myself one morning when some guy really abruptly cut me off, and I found myself genuinely laughing in response.
I make a 90-minute drive a couple of times a week. Not as bad as yours, but what helped me was to realize how helpless I was to meaningfully affect it. If I drove like a bat outta hell, I might make it in 80-85 minutes, and if I putzed along as the slowest driver on the road, it might be 95-100 minutes. I happy that I am rational enough to realize that the possibility of saying 5-10 minutes is not worth endangering my safety, elevating my blood pressure, etc.
For me, at least, I find that one element of stress and frustration comes from feeling that I personally should be able to do something about a situation. But something like NJ traffic is way too big for you to affect, my dear. The one thing you CAN have some ipact on, however, is how it affects you.
You have my sympathies for your situation, and I am happy for you that it will change in the near future. IMO, the best options would be recoderd books or language tapes.
