To answer some of the questions and clarify things I am not on the pill, I have been off of it for about two years now. We had been using condoms all the time, but for the past few months he has wanted to try the rhythm/condom method. Apparently that didn’t work so hot.
I never asked him what we should do. The events went as such I told him the news, he hugged me kissed me and then after a long pause, said that we had two options. Then we talked about it further and it became clearer and clearer what his preference was. Then he said what his preference was.
As for a scare it has happened and when I told him he didn’t seem effected one way or the other. That’s why his reaction this time was so shocking.
Thank you for your responses, and to top it all off, at the time when I really need to take a personal day to sort all this out I am at the busiest time at work with my department shorthanded and I was thrown in as the acting department head along with extra responsibilities and a week of 14 hour days ahead of me.
Oh and he does seem to think that 9 months is not enough time to figure out how to prep for a baby.
Out of the work that need to happen on the house there is one thing that really needs to happen before a baby and that is that all the carpet needs to be replaced. Other than that we need to replace one bathroom vanity and one pedestal sink in the other bathroom.
He seems to think that we have to do this on our own but we have a group of friends who would be more than willing to help, have done those exact jobs before, and with the time crunch of a baby I have no doubt that they would band together and help us out.
I will just give him some time. I am just freaking out a little inside and I feel like I have no one to talk to. My best friend that I would normally vent to is a good Catholic girl who would not understand his point of view and I could see this driving a huge rift in her friendship with my husband and in turn with me.
So neither of you were planning to have a kid now, neither of you are anti-abortion, and your husband certainly doesn’t want the kid right now. The answer seems obvious unless you really want to have the kid in which case you two need to talk about it and work it out.
You asked for an impartial opinion, but I don’t see how anyone’s opinion could matter but your own in this case. You need to do what’s right for you.
Is there a way to talk to her without mentioning all of it? At least you could talk about your worries and his without mentioning abortion. And I know it’s not the same thing, but you can talk to us.
Best wishes to you with work and with your talking with him over the next few days.
What does recarpetting and putting in a new sink have to do with a baby? It’ll be a while before the child is in a position to need any of that. Heck - plenty of babies have spent the first month in a dresser drawer because there was no bassinet. But then, I’m a good Catholic girl.
Okay, Ludy, if your HUSBAND suggested using condom/rhythm method, he MUST have at least considered the fact that you would get pregnant. If not consciously, then subconsciously. So now he needs to accept that it’s happened, and buck up. But of course, that’s just my opinion.
You really do need to allow him some time for shock to wear off. But if he is pushing abortion without considering your thoughts and feelings, watch out.
If he is a control type, he might never be ready, and there’s nothing like kids to remove control from your life.
I guess I’m not seeing where all the “shock” is coming from. You guys are married, you discussed children, he seemed gung-ho on it, and let’s face it, you weren’t using the most reliable birth control in the world. It’s life-changing, sure, but jeez, it’s not like you told him you were cheating on him with his best friend. That would be a shock.
It just seems like the timing got shifted a bit. I say this as someone who is a bit anal, who does like to plan things out…and whose pregnancies were both “oops…surprise!”
So I would be a bit perplexed, to say the least, by his reaction. We’re not talking about buying a new car or not…this is your child.
So? You’ve got nine months to take care of those things (give or take).
I find his reaction a little odd…like he’s throwing up roadblocks. I would bet he’s terrified right now, but guess what? Everyone screws up as a parent. You’re not going to get everything right. The most you can do is your best and hope that’s enough.
The baby is still 9 months away and more like 18 months from crawling much on the carpet.
He needs to take some responsibility for even entertaining the thought of using the rhythm method.
Talk to him without pressuring him over the next couple of weeks and I’m sure you’ll both come around to the same conclusion. You’re going to have a baby!
Cool, good luck. Keep us posted.
As someone who is in a loving marriage, and who is struggling with fertility issues (ie we are into our 3rd year of trying now) and who is 5 years older than you, all I can say is that your husband has to realise that if you had an abortion now, there is no guarantee that when you decided the time was ‘right’, you would find it easy to get pregnant.
The reason I mention this is that if you decided to do this, and then found it difficult in 3, 4, 5 years time, how would you (both) feel? Maybe you should ask your husband this? I can tell you how I would feel, and that would be devastated. And I would probably resent the hell out of a husband who had convinced me to get an abortion so that we could follow our original plans.
Other than that observation, I can only hope for your sake that this is just a gut reaction to him finding out that all his careful plans are for naught (I do think that it is a tad naive of him to advocate the rhythm method and yet not be prepared for the possibility that it might not work).
I would give him time. Good luck with whatever you decide, this must have been a shock to the system.
Geez, I was prepared to be sympathetic about his shock, but you’ve been using the rhythm method (with some condom use)? That’s just rolling the dice. This really should have been a possibility that the two of you discussed before switching to that.
With that said, give it a few more days, then bring it up again.
As for my personal opinion about this sort of situation in general - I’m pro-choice, and it is your choice (as a couple). But I can’t bring myself to approve of an abortion for a couple who are in a stable marriage, past being teenagers, in a decent financial position, and already know that they want children someday.
I’m pro-choice, but I see my brother and his wife struggling to get pregnant now and it really hits home how there’s no guarantee that you will be able to conceive at any other time.
It’s a really scary time in the world right now, but there’s no guarantee it will get better, either. Having a baby is scary at any point in one’s life. I can see where your husband is coming from but I also have faith that if you choose to keep the baby you will all be very happy, healthy and financially sound no matter how much work it takes.
Well, that’s a bit of a pickle. I think the important thing to remember here is that this has to be a decision you make together; your husband made a bad choice if he desperately didn’t want kids right now (you don’t experiment with unreliable methods if you want reliable results), but he still has as much say in this as you do. People in your situation do have abortions all the time; having a kid is a life-changing event, and if you’re not ready for it, I don’t think anyone should be forced into doing it.
How much money do they need to make? It sounds like the OP works a lot and may be the primary breadwinner. We know nothing of her health care. The stable marriage is under a year old, and obviously they’ve hit a major stumbling block. And knowing you want children ‘some day’ is not the same as wanting one or more in nine months. I agree that no one will ever be 100 percent ready for a child, but AFAIK the OP has not reached a decision in the matter. And she’s 27. Sure pregnancy may be harder when she’s ‘ready,’ but not a great reason for going through with an unwanted pregnancy. Or getting pregnant in the first place, for that matter. there’s got to be more.
Gosh, do I ever feel for you… The Boy and I have decided we’d rather not have kids, and we’ve both talked the decision to death. The one thing I’m not sure I will ever have a good answer for is the possibility of an “oopsie” - while a pregnancy might be unexpected and inconvenient for us and my personal beliefs are strongly pro-choice, I don’t think any child of ours would be completely unwanted. We’re healthy, we’re doing okay financially, and we’re in a happy stable relationship… that’s a hell of a lot to offer a kid, even if we’d be scrambling to get our hands on everything else we’d need for a new baby.
“We’re not ready” is not a valid excuse, because as others have said, you’ll never be 100% ready for a baby.
Besides, as recently as 50 years ago, reliable birth control didn’t exist and parents didn’t exactly get to pick when their little bundles of joy made their entrance into the world… our parents and grandparents seem to have coped pretty well with less than 9 months’ notice of the impending arrival, no?
I’m not saying you need bear a grudge over your hubby’s initial reaction, because people say and do stupid things when they’re presented with big, unexpected decisions like this. But you do need to have a loooong talk with him and understand what his reasons are… and tell him that “we’re not ready” ain’t gonna cut it.
My husband does make more than I do but was toying with the idea of reducing his hours from 40 to 30 per week which would put us at about the same pay scale, but I would be working more. I think at this point he would keep the 40 hours.
We don’t exactly work 9-5. I have a schedule closer to 9-5 with the exception that 5 weeks spread throughout the year I will be putting in long hours.
His schedule is completely varied. He may be working 9-5 for a while and then have to work evenings. We don’t have any grand parents near by to help with the baby sitting but we do have some close friends that can probably help out when we both have to work evenings.
Oh and we live in Canada so the health care is not an issue.
Just to be clear - I wasn’t saying that she shouldn’t get an abortion. It’s their choice. I’m also not setting some sort of bar above which they’re in a “decent financial situation” and “stable marriage” - that is unique to each individual marriage. In this case, I was going by what Ludy was saying about her marriage.
What I am saying is that I disapprove of using abortion to limit short term mild inconvenience. If they never intended to have children, go right ahead and abort. Or if they had three and never intended to have any more. If they were completely broke and living from hand to mouth, sure. If they were arguing every night and one more stress is going to break the marriage or them personally, fine.
But just to put it off a couple of years because the carpets need to be replaced? If disapproving of abortion under those circumstances (while not forbidding it) makes me a poor feminist, or somehow aligned with the asses firebombing abortion clinics, then… well, the second is ridiculous, but I can live with the first.
The thing I think is significant, is that it appears her husband was sending some reasonably strong vibes that parenthood was ok by him, up until actually confronted with the pregnancy test, at which point he suggested an abortion. With really weak reasons for why the time is not quite right.
Either there’s something else going on in his head, or if she has an abortion, this situation is going to be repeated in a couple of years.
So that’s part of what I’m thinking. If it sounded like they were in agreement that abortion was the best choice, I’d disapprove but be sympathetic, as it is, I disapprove more, and am even more sympathetic, I think–mostly I’m just hungry.