First the back-story. My husband and I got married this past summer and have been together for about 6 years or so. He is 31 and I am 27. We own our own home and have full time jobs that we love. We have talked about kids and wanted to wait a few years first. We want to travel and fix up the house, and basically just live our own lives for a while. He seemed to be more interested in having kids than I am, but I am not opposed to them by any means. Now this was all fine and dandy until yesterday when I peed on a lot of sticks and according to three tests from two different brands my eggo is preggo.
I found out at work so I took the afternoon off, and went home to tell the mister, he had the day off. All morning I was going through the possible ways he would take it and thought about how we would tell our parents.
The first place he went when I told him was to get an abortion……
That was the one scenario I didn’t anticipate. I don’t have an issue with abortion in most cases, but when you have a married couple that wants kids, can afford it, but basically it doesn’t fit the schedule properly I am not sure how I feel about it.
Fundamentally I think the issue is that husband is a man of planning and logic. Every single decision he makes has to be thoroughly analyzed and every single option researched. I am much more spontaneous and I thrive on thinking on my feet and improvising. So the thought that we would have a kid without all the ducks lined up is more than he can handle, but I am much more inclined to go with it.
So I am stuck in a lose lose situation. He is not excited about the idea of having a kid and I don’t want him to live his life thinking that the kid and I held him back and end up resenting us, and I am not excited about living my life with the knowledge that I aborted our first child that was conceived in a loving marriage in a time that was not ideal, but not bad, and I will have to live life with that on my conscience.
Intellectually I know that at this moment in time it is nothing but a cluster of cells and it’s not a big deal, but at the same time it is a big deal.
If you wait until you’re ready to have kids, you’ll never have kids.
He wants you to have an abortion because the timing isn’t right? That’s cold.
I would give him a few days to cool down, then talk to him again. If he still wants you to have an abortion, then you may want to consider some counseling.
Good luck. For me, if the first words out of my husband’s mouth were “Get an abortion,” I don’t know that I could ever forgive him, even if he did eventually come around. It’s his baby too.
Full disclosure: I’m pro-life and that will color what I personally think.
Trying to be objective :), yes, he’s a planner, but you have months to plan before the baby is here. Do you think giving him some time to absorb the news and think about its impact will change anything? Had you discussed “surprise” pregnancy and what expectations would be?
Your baby has a better chance of being healthy with you at this age than years from now. You will still have a chance to travel assuming you have a support system you trust to take care of your child. And fixing up the house can happen, maybe more slowly, but it can happen.
With all due respect, Bo, what difference does that make? I got pregnant with both my kids while using birth control…we joke my husband’s sperm is Superman.
Good point. There’s always somewhere else to travel or something else to treat yourself to. If he was in general more into having kids than you, it’s possible he will come around to *and embrace *what has happened.
You’re still in shock and so is he. Things might change. Have you seen a doctor yet? Talk to the doctor about your options. Unless your decision is immediate (and only you know that), slow down. Decisions in haste are rarely good ones. Take some time to sort through the issues for yourself and then discuss them with him.
I think that might make a difference to the husband if he thinks he was tricked. If they weren’t using birth control, then this was actually planned, which changes things too.
The timing is never perfect to have kids. I agree with ivylass - give him a few days. I would forgive him, I think, and chalk it up to shock. I know it hurts, though.
I’m generally pro-choice, and ultimately, you have to make the call. However, in this situation, it appears an abortion would be merely a matter of convenience. I personally would not reccommend abortion. You can afford the child, you eventually want children, #1 just came a little sooner than anticipated.
From a pragmatic point of view, if you tell his momma you’re pregnant and he wants you to abort, she will box his ears soundly.
The different is that if they were using birth control, this was an unforeseen event that may not have generated much previous discussion. People’s reliance and faith in modern bc is pretty high, and I know others who have failed to talk about the slight chance of bc failing and what to do about it.
If they were not using bc, then becoming pregnant was a much more foreseeable event, and I would be shocked that his first words would be “get an abortion”.
I have to say that I basically agree with ivylass. I’m a guy, and a pro-choice guy at that, but if one of my GFs had ever told me she was pregnant, the first words out of my mouth would NOT have included the word “abortion”.
If this guy hasn’t come around to something more like “well, what do you want?” rather than “here’s what I want”, I would say its time for some couples counseling. Not just for this issue, but also to try and soften his need for rigid planning.
Life is more fun and interesting when you don’t plan every little detail. Drift down the river, and only occassionally dip an oar in to help steer. If your husband can wrap his head around that idea, and concede that this isn’t solely his decision about only his life, than counseling may be a big help.
You have my sympathy. I’m not a fan of abortion, preferring that it only take place when it is the least-worst option, and frankly, I don’t think that’s the situation that you are in. The best option is you spend a few days fuming/crying/pouting over lost opportunities and then get busy making plans for your future which include offspring.
But if your husband isn’t willing/able to change his mind . . . If not having your ducks in a row before you got pregant upsets him this much, what will trying to raise a child do to him?
Are you prepared to raise this child on your own? Are you prepared to live with never having children? ( A not insignificant number of people, especially those who postpone pregnancy, find it harder to get pregnant when they want to be than they would wish.)
Many, many people have children that were unplanned. For the good families, this is only a minor issue. For the not so good ones, sometimes it’s heartbreaking.
Well, if the husband had said absolutely not, I never want children and the wife nodded and said yes dear while pricking holes in her diaphragm, you may have a point. But it’s more a case of timing, rather than never ever ever.
If **Ludy’**s husband thinks she tricked him, that’s a whole 'nuther can of worms. I won’t say that doesn’t happen, but it doesn’t seem to be the case in the OP.
First of all, I agree that he’s probably just a bit in shock, especially if he’s a planner type. That said, I think the birth control question is relevant. If they weren’t using anything, then he needs to take responsibility for what’s happened.
Personally, I can’t even imagine aborting a fetus I conceived with someone I love and intend to spend the rest of my life with. I would give him a couple of days to process this.
You’re in a loving marriage so I would say you are both pregnant. You hold the legal cards, but if you love him, you’ll keep in mind you got him pregnant, too.
No argument there. I was just explaining why Bo’s question might have some relevance . . . to the husband.
That’s not clear from the OP yet. It doesn’t seem to be the tone, but if there’s one thing I’ve learned from reading threads here is that sometimes the most important information comes out at the end of the thread. . . days later.
You wouldn’t be the first woman with a solid relationship and decent income to seek an abortion. It’s not just homeless teenage rape victims, you know. One of the most traumatic things about abortion (and reasons for its controversy IMHO) is its enormous power– not ‘oh my god am I killing my baby?’ but the feeling that you might forever be wondering ‘What if?,’ that you can change at least two lives in a major way with a single decision. You shouldn’t feel selfish for not wanting to have a child immediately any more than someone should feel selfish for never wanting kids at all.
That being said, your SO sounds more than a little cold. You two had discussed kids– had you discussed accidental pregnancy? Surely it must have come up. Have you ever had a scare with him? As with your own views on abortion, he likely had no idea how he’d truly react to a real (vs. hypothetical) pregnancy. Hopefully, if you do want to have a child now, it was just a case of shock on his part.
I’m a guy and just writing from a Guy’s Guy point of view here - sort of playing the devil’s advocate, if you will.
Asking a guy [of his opinion] on What To Do the same day as you told him you were pregnant was a bad move. For him to even contemplate “accepting” having a child is a major paradigm shift that takes time and being in a comfort zone. He has neither the biological imperative nor been raised to know that, some day, he will be the Birther Of Babies. Think of it as asking your dad for some extra cash for your girl’s night out back when you were 14 - you don’t ask him when he’s in a bad mood, you don’t ask him right after he’s home from work, you don’t stand as an implaccable obstacle in his path that will not move nor do you sneak up on him from behind. You kind of sidle up to him sideways, relaxingly curve your hand over his shoulder, rest your head on his arm and shiv him. The ideal mood is an indulgent, “Hey, I’m a decent fella, what’s the worst thing that could happen?” transitioning into the “Hey, I guess I’m walking this path then” resignation, creeping up on “Man, this might just be cool/something I’m good at!” acceptance and hopefully skipping off to “Joy!” at some point in time.
(I apologize for the crude metaphor. I’m coarse, I know, but what I’m trying to say is that the default setting for men when being jumped with the Big Q is PANIC! ABORT MISSION! ABORT MISSION! I remember my sister telling how one of her friends did it. Unfortunately the friend was a rip-the-band-aid-off fundamentalist paired with an unfortunate black sense of humour. She set him down on the couch, gave him a fresh copy of the Hitch Hiker’s Guide to the Galaxy and put it in his lap. On the cover was a big and nice engraving of the words “Don’t panic!” She told him to flip the page open. On the inside first page, it said “Congratulations, daddy!” On the second page it said. “NOW, PANIC!”)
What I’m trying to get around to stating is that it’s unfortunate that you came out and indicated your position so early on. Ideally - if it was me - I’d prefer a week of a time-out before I voiced my opinion on what to do. A “we’re going to pretend there’s no situation, so I can get used to the situation” week. Now he knows where you stand and that it’s - probably - Cabinet Question time.