Save your relationship before it goes in the toilet

Many marriages end up in divorce these days, and I think too much emphasis is placed on the superficial causes for breakups (money, sex, respect, communication, etc.), and not enough emphasis is placed on the REAL problem: toilet paper.

There are two kinds of people in the world, and ONLY two kinds – those who like the paper to hang over the top of the toilet paper roll, and those who like the paper to hang behind the toilet paper roll. Everyone has a very strong opinion on this topic. There are no fence-sitters, like you often see with non-important issues such as international politics. And if an over-the-top person and a behind-the-roll person marry each other, it can only end in tears.

I have been a behind-the-roll person my entire life. I was raised that way by my kind, law-abiding, God-fearing, behind-the-roll mother. My wife, on the other hand, at some point in her life fell into the clutches of the evil, Satanic, pig-molesting over-the-top lobby, and so we’ve had more than our share of marital strife.

Oh, at first we tried to be civil. We thought that, as mature, caring adults, we could approach the tissue issue with reason and tact, and solve the problem. We would be a model for not only all married couples everywhere, but also Congress and maybe even the U.N. Naturally, I assumed she would quickly see the error of her ways and succumb to the power and logic of the behind-the-roll argument. Instead, we wound up red-faced, six inches apart, yelling like demons, spittle flying from our lips as we each gestured wildly. So we were a model for Congress, but not much else.

This problem isn’t just relevant to couples, though. I thought I’d do a little research at my office, just to see how the percentages broke down on Who Was Right vs. Who Molests Pigs. While the results were inconclusive, I did see two separate arguments break out. Screams of “Top! Top!” were interspersed with yells of “Behind! Behind!” The nice thing was, because of all the arguing and such, I was able to slip out and take a really long lunch without anybody noticing that I was gone.

When I came back, the argument had changed topics slightly. Now we had moved to the classic Toilet Seat Left Up vs. Toilet Seat Left Down conflict. (There wasn’t a whole lot going on in my office that day.) As you might expect, this one was sharply divided along gender lines – men wanted the toilet seat left up, while women wanted it left down. It was tied at five to five when I walked back in, and the men, sensing a moral victory, quickly pounced on me and demanded that I vote.

There was a problem, though. See, sometimes I’ll sit down to perform a toilet-related activity that men don’t usually have to sit down for. Especially in the middle of the night, if I’m groggy and stumbling around and don’t want to trust my aim in the dark. So sometimes I’m a stander, and sometimes I’m a sitter, and as a result it’s hard for me to pick sides in the Up vs. Down debate. I guess if I had a gun to my head and was forced to choose, I’d say Down. But that would fly in the face of millions of years of toilet-using men. I’d be spitting on the legacy of the first caveman who strode confidently into his bathroom after killing a dinosaur for his family to eat, spread his legs in a manly fashion, lifted his loincloth, and proudly peed on his cave wall, because toilets (and their lids) hadn’t been invented yet. I bet he got his proud loincloth butt chewed out by his wife for that one.

So I hesitated in my vote. Silence filled the office. Everyone was staring at me in anticipation. Tension was high. Off in the distance, a wolf howled. I sensed that my next words could seriously alter the course of my working life. Should I remain true to my gender, and put the women in their place once and for all? Or should I break the bonds of society’s expectations of me as a man and be true to my bladder’s desires?

As usual, when faced with a difficult choice, I opted for C: None of the above.

“You know what I really hate? People who squeeze the toothpaste tube in the middle, instead of from the bottom.”

Luck was with me that day, my friend, because one of the hapless souls in the office, before he thought about what he was saying, blurted out, “What’s wrong with squeezing it in the middle?” The rest of the office ganged up on him and beat him severely with staplers for his insolence.

So as you can see, honesty is NEVER the best policy when it comes to arguments over the serious issues in your relationship. Diversion is the key. Get your partner to focus on something else, and while they’re not looking, change the hanging toilet paper to the proper position (behind the roll). If they complain about it later, start talking about cavemen until they drift off to sleep. Or you can call my officemates. They’ll be happy to come over and beat your partner with staplers.

Um…I’m a fence-sitter on the toilet paper issue. I don’t care which way it’s hanging, or even if it’s on the roll to be honest. I only care if it’s within arm’s reach.

My family and I are a model, for Congress, and everyone else! Because we:
Use the moist wipes that sit civilly in tubs instead of hanging.
Use toothpaste in a pump so that squeezing the middle isn’t an option.
Peeing in the shower like normal people. :stuck_out_tongue:

Actually, the solution to the dilemma is very easy:

(S)he who replaces the roll, chooses how to install it.

Problem solved. AND as an added bonus, you’ll never find yourself sitting on the toilet and having that “:smack: there’s no TP!” moment, ever again.

Actually, I’ve found that the secret to a happy marriage is separate bathrooms.

Sauron, the only reason I’m not saying that you are dead to me (about the T.P.) is that you redeemed yourself on the toilet seat. (To clarify, I like the thing you actually sit on to remain down at all times, but have no preference on the lid itself.)

Behind the roll, indeed.

I will pray for you, you pig-molester.

Ouch. :wink:

This is the exact tactic we use, no one complains if its not that right way round. I always put it top out, she does 50/50 either way.

Hmm, never thought about that before, I get my way 75% of the time :smiley:

At least I win one battle.

And, Ive always been lift the seat and put the seat back down at home kinda guy, even when single.


You are a unique and beautiful snowflake. It gives me hope, to know there are people out there like you.

I don’t care, either. When I got married, and found out that Mr. Lissar not only cared, but had very strong feelings about it, I laughed for fifteen solid minutes.

He didn’t think it was funny.

Do not mock strongly held religious toilet paper convictions! That’s a recipe for disaster.

Our toilet paper holder is just an L-shaped rod sticking out of the wall, so anyone who’s offended by the position of the roll can just slide it off and put it back on in a more aesthetically pleasing orientation.

I like the solution to the seat-up-or-down dilemma that says to simply put the seat AND the lid down. Why would anyone want an open pee-and-poo repository in their house? That way EVERYBODY has to lift something and put something back down when they use the loo.


That sounds like a VERY uncomfortable substitute for toilet paper.

We have two toilet-paper dispensers - the one inset into the wall at 9:00, and a free-standing magazine rack/bog-roll holder and dispenser at 12:00, facing the bowl.

The one at 9:00 is loaded with the paper hanging wall-side, as god intended.

The one at 12:00 is loaded with the paper hanging on the facing side, and contains french-language fashion magazines and english gossip rags for the entertainment of the heretic who takes her paper from 12:00.

It’s a satisfactory arrangement.

To me, the hole reason for leaving the toilet paper hanging over the top is because that particular allignment, the far superior one, affords you easy access to it. You can actually grab it, instead of trying to separate it from the wall like a strip of old wallpaper.

If you prefer the “behind” method, obviously named for one’s capabilities and not a body part, then one must wonder whether your knuckles aren’t used to dragging across other things… like the floor.

Sauron, lucky you for marrying a woman so wise as Aries28. Pulls you right up by your bootstraps, she does.

That’s how it works at our house. Not only do we hate the idea of leaving the toilet wide open while we flush, we prefer that the animals don’t drink out of the toilets.

Our toilet paper, of course, is over-the-top as it was intended to be. I used to be a professional toilet-paper-putter-onner (AKA hotel housekeeper) and that’s the way it was done. So it was and so it shall be, forever and ever, amen.

Our cats solved the toilet seat dilemma for us. When we got them, we agreed to put the lid down, because we’d read about kittens drowning in toilets. They’re no longer kittens now, but they have an irresistable attraction to any water that is not in their water bowls- they like to lick water out of the sink and shower. We don’t want them drinking out of the toilets, so we keep the lids down.

We also hang the toilet paper over the top, as God intended toilet paper to hang.

(Are we seeing the start of a toilet paper jihad here? :wink: )

snigger The hole reason…

Yep. The toilet lid ought to be down. The toilet should be closed unless it’s in use. Everyone wins!

If God intended toilet paper to hang over the top, there’s one more reason right there I’m glad and proud to be an atheist! :stuck_out_tongue: