Say you meet a sibling that you didn't know existed.

In My Humble Opinion
21

It happened in my mother’s family. She and one of her sisters were doing ancestral research in the 1980’s and found out that their father had been married to another woman before he married my grandmother. They had two half brothers and a half sister, plus an unknown half brother from one of my grandfather’s affairs after he left his first wife.

We knew very little about my grandfather, as he had died when my mother and her sisters were rather young. My mother’s family vaguely remembered the uncles, who were already dead by the time my mother and her sister did the research. Their half sister was still alive, however.

My mother and one of my aunts went to visit this new sister they had found. She was polite but told them at the end of the visit not to come back, as she was still upset over her father’s divorce, which had happened 65 year earlier. And my mother and my aunts apparently reminded her of it.

The woman is in her 90’s now and I guess is still carrying her resentment.

22

I’d welcome him/her, more out of curiosity than familial love. Does s/he play the same games? Watch the same TV/movies? Have the same preferences in relationships? Drink the same drinks?

23

InternetLegend 's experience is the closest to what I think my answer would be. (Having never been in the situation, I’m just speculating here).
I’d want to meet the person and see if there was reason to/ interest in having some type of relationship. I’d not hold the half-sibling responsible for the actions of his or her parents (including whichever parent we shared).
However, I wouldn’t force myself to have a relationship with someone just because of blood lines. If the half-sibling was someone I’d never choose as a friend, well, I’m not going to choose them as a friend just because we’re related.

24

Being that I am adopted and my parents were about 19 when I was born, I probably have a couple of sets of half siblings out there. Somewhere.

Its kinda cool, I think.
I wonder if they are as deranged as me.

25

It can be a pretty wonderful thing. In some ways she’s my best friend.

26

Thanks for the replies everyone. I had a long post written up, but lost it, so this is a shortened version. I recently found out about two siblings (my father’s children) this way. One of them found the other first, then tracked me down. Sibling 2 didn’t like the fact that my parents are still married and that I grew up in a two parent household. While her feelings were understandable, I decided that it was best not to let possibly unstable strangers into my life. Both before and after this situation took place, my feelings have been similar to **treis’ ** and Sat on a Cookie’s. If my mother had any surprise children, they would probably have a better chance, simply for her sake since she’s so family and child oriented.

27

Wow! Interesting stories up there.

My partner found out after her dad died that she had a half-sister. This didn’t surprise her; her dad was a bit of a playboy. They’ve stayed in semi-contact, but it isn’t a sibling relationship by any stretch, even though her half-sister seems like a nice enough person.

The BIG shocker was the story of an adopted friend of mine. Apparently she was in a study that separated identical twins in a nature/nurture study. Lord almighty, how unethical and inhuman is that? But it happened. She’s in her early 30’s and just found her identical twin-- no kidding.

28

My paternal grandfather died about 25 years ago. He was a selfish pettty tyrant. Not long after my father’s death (my father was everything my grandfather wasn’t, having vowed never to be like his dad) my mother heard from a woman who was my dad’s dad’s illegitimate daughter, given up for adoption 50-60 years earlier. My mother, who is never able to keep her nose out of other people’s business, contacted all my dad’s sibs and told them about Patty. The sibs were furious, to begin with. But now, 4 years later, once a year all my aunts from that side of the family, my mother, and now Patty, get together for a weekend getaway (they all live in different states). Patty isn’t exactly a member of my dad’s family, but she’s tentatively accepted.

StG

29

Hi!

These posts have been comforting. Years ago, I read in a “divorce” transcript of my parents testimony from my father about a woman who was pregnant that my father was spending a lot of time with and expending household finances. My mother was going to have her subpoenaed. She left the state. I had her name and searched in the eighties for my sibling (without my mother’s knowledge). Now that we have internet capabilities, but I have forgotten her name, I am still searching. I am sure she married or may have even given the child up for adoption. They would have been born in the sixties, mid to late. The woman’s first name was Cathy or Carol. She was at Patrick AFB in Florida in the sixties.

I am a “big” family person…love all my siblings, cousins, etc. Spent every summer growing up with family, either at the Shore, Philly area or Ohio. Why would anyone reject a sibling they found out about? It’s not their fault our/your parents are “people”. Remember, sometimes we think our parents are to be perfect. Siblings know each other, barring sickness and accidental death, longer than any other blood relative. :slight_smile:

30

I don’t think I’d react at all.

Two of my siblings are adopted, and one is bio. So my parents had two kids by adoption and two the old-fashioned way.

We’re siblings. No doubt about it. I do not feel in any way different about my non-genetic siblings than I do about my genetic sibling. They all drive me just as nuts, and I love them all dearly.

So someone who showed up sharing some genes, but who I’d never seen before, or even heard of? I’d have a hard time thinking of him or her as a sibling.

31

I actually had a situation like this come up last year.

At the time I had one half-sibling (we have a different father). We grew up together so I regard him as a “full” brother.

Then I found an e-mail on Facebook from someone claiming to be my father’s last girlfriend, and saying that I have another half-brother!

After verifying that she was talking about my dad, I was very open with them. Told them what I knew about my dad, growing up, my circumstances, etc. We never met in person - they live at least 3 hours away, and I don’t drive. And I didn’t particularly want them showing up on my doorstep either.

Early on they seemed really psyched to know me. Then later not so much. Not sure what happened, but I did find out my new half-brother was in some legal trouble. We’re wondering if maybe he’d been hoping I have money (I don’t) to somehow help him and his family out.

A few weeks ago my mom talked to my dad in the nursing home for the first time in over 35 years. He 'fessed up to ANOTHER potential child, a boy, who would have been born when I was 3. Mom had always suspected, but never known for sure. So now I have a total of 3 half-brothers, only one of which I regard as a full brother.

Given my experience with his other kid, I’m not about to go looking for the next one. For some reason I got rejected. I’d rather not have that happen again.

32

I can’t imagine how that sibling could exist without megadrama. My parents were each other’s first and only relationship, have been together since they were 18 and got married at 20. Any relationship with the sibling would probably have an equal and opposite impact on my relationship with another member of my family, and while we all share blood, my known family and I share experience and history which would generally weight my priorities in their favour.

Also, this is probably just me, but my self identity is tied up a bit with my position in my family. I am C, daughter of G and J, sister of R. I am the only daughter and the eldest of 2 children. It would shake me up a lot to learn that I was mistaken about any of those facts, which have been unchanged since I was 3 years old.

33

I’m adopted, so I’d LOVE to meet my bio siblings (assuming I have any).

34

I may have at least one unknown half-sibling, maybe more. I recall one especially vicious argument between my parents when I was a child during which my mother threw in my father’s face several transgressions committed in his past, apparently all before he’d met her and which he’d been unwise enough to tell her about. One was getting someone pregnant. That probably would have been in California or Colorado unless it was in his Army days. Whether that led to an abortion, I have no idea.

But if any supposed sibling showed up, I’d want DNA proof before I fully believed. I’d probably be interested in a chat with the person and maybe keeping in touch, but really, this would be a stranger with whom I’d very possibly have absolutely nothing else in common.

35

The odds of me having half siblings out there is very high. (Through the father I never met). I would like to get to know them if they exist.

36

I’d gauge my reaction off the person. If they were honestly just getting to know me because, y’know, genetic sibs and all that, I’d invite them into my life 100%. If they were seeking me out because they needed money, I’d be much more circumspect.

37

I would welcome and grieve for them, as they aren’t gonna find the Waltons in our family, Jackson.

38

Something like this happened to my best friend from high school, except that the sibling she suddenly discovered existed wasn’t a half; it was a WHOLE sibling. Her parents had had a son when they were in their teens, given them to an older relative to raise, and then moved cross country and become estranged from the relative in question. (Points 3 & 4 may be related.) We were in our early twenties when she found out about it.

She kinda likes the guy, but she was still pissed at her parents for months because of the secret-keeping.

39

All I would want to know about this new found sibling would be genetic information, in case of medical need.

40

No, it’s not.

I don’t think I’d be inclined to approach it any differently than any stranger wanting to get to know me, aside from perhaps letting my mom know this person showed up, in case there are any legal issues that would need to be sorted out. (Well, and, if they claimed to be my mother’s child, I’d laugh and give them the boot, because I know my mom well enough to know that that had no chance to happen. And I don’t make friends with dishonest people.)

Whether or not we’d become close would depend entirely on whether we have anything in common. I have not a damn thing in common with the sibs I do have, so we’re not friends or anything and don’t go out of our way to talk or hang out aside from winter holidays, where we do family stuff mostly for the sake of my mom. I don’t dislike my sister, and do honestly enjoy our once-a-year snowmobile outing, but we’re really not involved in each others’ lives because I really don’t grok what she’s into and she doesn’t grok what I’m into. We have basically nothing to talk about, so a once-a-year conversation to catch up on each others’ news that we don’t grok pretty much covers it. We’re not friends by any means, and if we hadn’t grown up together I doubt we’d be in touch at all. I don’t even think she realizes I’m pagan, despite the fact that it’s never been a secret, ever. Funny story: in high school (ehr, ME in high school, she’s older), she asked me to be my nephew’s godmother; given that I’d been begging Mom for years to let me stay home from church on Sundays, to no avail, I figured that everyone knew I wasn’t interested in Catholicism, and that this was a token honor. It wasn’t til several years later that Mom and my sis mentioned in passing that this nephew’s godfather was not religious, but it was okay because you really only need one of the godparents to be Catholic. I was speechless. :eek:

So if this person shows up all wanting to be best buds evar, I’d just tell them to slow down and see if we have any cause for being best buds, first. I’d certainly talk to them, but wouldn’t commit myself to anything beyond that, unless and until it was evident that we get on like gangbusters. If they fit within my circle of friends/chosen family, of course they’re welcome, as anyone would be. If not, I’d certainly wish them well, but wouldn’t go out of my way to keep up contact or anything. I don’t see the point in chasing after awkward conversations. My chosen family has nothing to do with genetics.

This is actually pretty similar to a cousin I met in adulthood. We had dinner with my aunt and uncle, and this cousin’s parents who are (I believe) my uncle’s cousin and his wife. It was pleasant enough; they were in town on vacation and had come to see a show I was in. My cousin lives only a couple miles away from me, and we’re Facebook friends, but we’ve had very few conversations since then. I don’t believe we’ve seen each other in person since then, either; I invited him to a few things where he said he’d maybe show up and didn’t (pet peeve of mine); so eventually I just didn’t bother anymore. We don’t dislike each other or anything, but he’s not really on my radar, and I doubt if I’m really on his.