Scottish "Yo Mama" Jokes - need answer fast

Tonight, I’m hosting a Robert Burns supper with about 100 people, and I’ll be giving the Immortal Memory (see footnote if you don’t know what I’m blathering about).

I’ve been doing these for eight years, and I’ve covered all of the mundane topics. This year, I’m exploring what Rabbie might be like if he was still alive today. I’m picturing him participating in a poetry slam or battle rap – taking down these young kids with his superior skillz.

I’m putting together his responses to a few classic rap battles I’ve found on YouTube, and it got me thinking about what, exactly, Scottish “yo mama” jokes would sound like. Whatcha got?

Feel free to contribute anything that might fit. There’s no need to keep this to “yo mama” jokes, I just thought that made a good thread title.

FOOTNOTE: Robert Burns was the poet laureate of Scotland in the 1700s. He died young, and a group of his friends had a dinner in his honor. The tradition followed the Scottish expatriates as they settled around the world, and it’s probably the most-celebrated annual Scottish event today. One of the traditions of the evening is a short speech about Burns called the “Immortal Memory.”

Scottish rap battle? Seriously old school.

That’s precisely what got me heading this direction!

There are tons of bagpipe jokes. Would those work?
How about the song “The Scotsman”?
Well, a Scotsman clad in kilt left the bar one evenin’ fair
And one could tell by how he walked that he’d drunk more than his share.
etc., etc.

Variation on a theme: The difference between a Highland Scot and a Lowland Scot? The Highland Scot takes the dishes out of the sink before pissing in it.

You may want to know you audience very well for that one.

Nyah, Robson, yer bum’s oot the windae! So yer a bampot, so ye are!

Most ‘yo mama’ jokes would work fine as long as you change it to your Mum. Here’s a couple of Scottish-related ones:

Your mum’s arse is so big it’d take longer to paint than the Forth Bridge.

Your Mum thinks that a classy dinner is eating a deep-fried Mars Bar with a knife and fork.

The reason Scottish people have so much heart disease is that, every time your Mum has sex with someone, she cooks them a fry up.

Tourists always visit three places in Scotland: Edinburgh Castle, Loch Ness and your Mum’s bedroom.

Your Mum’s so old even Nessie’s shagged her.

Yo’ Mum drinks blended whiskey.

Yer Maw.

I knew it was something different to Mum. Course, some kids would just keep it as yo mama.

Yer Maw’s sae doom, she could write jokes for Craig Ferguson.

Yer Maw’s sae roond-heeled, she’s been spread more often than Dundee marmalade.

Yer Maw’s sae ugly, Susan Boyle got a look at her and sang “I Screamed A Scream.”

Your Maw drinks irish…and I don’t mean whisky!

Tomorrow when I’m awake and sober, I’ll post some of what I ended up doing.

What a glorious evening it is! Six pipers, a drummer, a fiddler, singers, dancers, jokes, single-malt, Scottish ales aged in whiskey casks, and (of course) Rabbie’s poetry.

Next year you may be able to import some Scottish haggis too, story here.

Well, I ended up going with the “if Rabbie was still alive” theme. I talked a wee bit about the history of flyting, recited a verse of The Flyting of Dunbar and Kennedie, recited all of Scots Wha Hae just to give a feeling for Rabbie’s ability to rile the crowd, and then said:

Now imagine a modern rapper going after Burns in a freelance rap battle. He’d talk about Rabbie’s mama, rap about his 'hood not being so tough, call him old-fashioned.
Rabbie’d wait politely for him to finish, take one last draw from his pipe, and then lash out with something like:

Don’t try to rhyme against a Scotsman, ye whiny little bitch,
You’re like a bad haggis, warm reekin’ but nae rich.
And if there’s anything here that’s as lang’s yer arm,
It’s mine, not yours; you’re not even warm.
You want to take on a Poet Laureate?
You don’t have the hurdies: I’ll split your stinkin’ pate.
Ye’ve got a face that could make an onion cry
So sit yerself down and tell the crowd goodbye!

(This last part was done using a rap rhythm and a Scottish accent. It was a blast)