Yeah honey, I got it. One glossy red-leather bodysuit with thigh-mounted holster for multipurpose cane/ grappling hook/ nunchucku. You realize the bas-relief “Double-D” logo on the chest will be two hundred dollars extra right? Okay, okay! Just making sure. You should’ve heard the way The Riddler bitched about the cost of all those question marks he wanted embroidered on his leotard…
Let’s keep in mind that I take no responsibility about the whole sweat/heat-transfer dynamics of leather. I mean, sure it’s impressive looking and all, but you’ll be stewing in your own gravy in an hour-and-a-half of moderate activity, and it’s not like it won’t draw attention at the dry cleaner. It’s certainly not too late to go with a more practical Lycra-cotton blend…
Okay, fine. Don’t say I didn’t ask (Batman didn’t listen to me about that first suit either).
What? Oh, Just talking to myself…
You do want the muscles played-up in the suit right?
Yeah, of course, just making sure, ((striking fear into the hearts of wrong-doers my ass. Explains the built-up codpiece too)).
Okay, the measurments are done. It’ll be ready Tuesday. Keep in mind that should you ever decide to change your color-scheme to purple, I can cut you a great deal thanks to The Joker and The Hulk.
((DING!!))
Ut! My five o’clock is early! Do you mind leaving through the back door? Thanks!
Mr. Parker! I think you’ll like what we’ve managed to in the red-and-blue color scheme!
Y’know, this brings back memories of a short story I found…
It was (I think) in the book The Further Adventures of Batman. There was a tailor who catered to hero and villain alike, but apparently kept a law-exempt status by working for both sides and keeping out of the way. The main hook was that he never addressed the customers by name, but you knew who they were by the costumes described.
“More acid pockets in the lapels, sir? I’ll have to special order them, you sounded displeased with the last batch… shall we say Thursday?”
“This Kevlar will certainly ruin the lines of this suit, but I think I can make it work. Does this design work?”
Yep, that’s the title. Edited by Martin Greenberg, the story in question is called “Neutral Ground.”
Mr. Kent?
Just calling to check up on these specifications you gave us. Now the only colors you
asked for are red and…
Yes, I can see how you might want to go with the whole patriotic thing in light of recent events, but maybe something slightly less garish? We have this black energy costume with blue lightning bolts that I think would go GREAT with…
Oh. I see. Yes, there’s no way you could get hit while jogging. Of course, that’ll be no problem. Now I just need to ask about this cape. I see you specified “long and flowing,” but you need to be a bit more specific. Knee high? The younger superheroes
are liking them a bit shorter nowadays…
No, of course not. Long and flowing it is. Now I’ve got to make sure about the symbol.
What’s wrong with it? Nothing’s wrong with it. It’s just a little vague. The "S"could stand for just about anything. Let’s face it, you don’t need to invite unnecessary ridicule. For the cost of only $10 per letter we can spell out your full name…
Of course I understand Mr. Kent. I’m on a budget myself. Now there’s just one more thing.
You want the underwear on the outside? You’re set on this? There’s no way I could change your mind?
Of course Mr. Kent. Anything you want. Would you be interested in “Maskless Hero Brand Hair Gel?”
… That’s great. I’ll put you down for the order. You should be able to pick it up Tuesday.
Ah! Proof once again that there are no new ideas under the sun.
That was pretty much my approach. If I woke up tomarrow with some nifty super power and an unquenchable desire to fight the forces of evil (or, alternatly, an evil power and a desire to fight the forces of good) the fact is that I would have to either find a really good tailor, or carry on in jeans and button-up. Not nearly as dramatic as a a spandex unitard with a skull emblazoned over the chest, huh?
This is a bit of the subject of the OP but did you ever read the short story by author James White “Custom Fitting” ? It is about a British tailor who is called on to make an Earth style outfit of formal wear for the first alien ambassador to our planet. Great story actually.
I’ve never understood why the super-power-endowed super-heroes wear clothing. I mean, Batman and Spider-man, sure. But Superman? What’s gonna happen, they’re gonna arrest him for indecent exposure? And don’t tell me “The guy in the blue-and-red costume flying through the sky” is significantly more of a spectacle than “The guy in his birthday suit flying through the sky.”
Well, being nekkid might hurt Supes dating options, if you know what I mean. ( I can’t help it if I happened to be using a pay phone when the guy decided to change. Super speed or no, it looked like the guy was hung like a pimple. And you sort of halfta look, you know, I mean, when you’re in a confined space with a naked man racing around, there’s not really any safe place you can look that won’t be filled with super dangly bits at some point. And you certainly don’t want to close your eyes!)
