I just found out that my wife has built up a large amount of unsecured debt. The size of the debt and that she built it without my knowledge make me concerned for our financial outlook and make it very difficult for me to trust her when we discuss the issue. She has said that she is afraid that I will be mad. I have pointed out that I am far more interested in resolving the problem than I am in being angry.
I’m not quite sure where to go with this, and I wouldn’t mind hearing the advice and/or experiences of anyone who has been in a similar position. Some sort of counseling is a given, and personal finance training would be a good idea, but I wouldn’t mind hearing what has worked for others.
Also, would it help for me to see a lawyer? We’re in Texas, and I’m not sure if there is anything I can do to protect my financial backside, but I do not want to be run broke because of something that I had no knowledge of and did not consent to.
See a Lawyer!!!
I don’t have a clue whether local lwa could hold you (personally) responsible, but suspect it can.
How was the debt incurred? Joint cc’s vs. something on which your name is not even mentioned?
then there are ways to ditch ANY/ALL unsecured dept - and, used to be, TX had some bizarre bankruptcy laws…
see a lawyer - an honest one - lots of sleaze in the ‘Credit’ biz…
IANAL, but I live in Dallas, TX, and I have some experience in this topic.
Was the debt charged to credit cards or a personal loan? Was the debt incurred prior to your being married? If not, is your name included anywhere as being liable?
Just a couple questions before I can begin to give you any suggestions.
I had racked up $26,000 in credit card debt, due to my inability to delay gratification.
I went to Consumer Credit Counseling in LA. Of my 13 creditors, many reduced their interest, some waived it altogether. I pay one payment to CCC of LA, and they disperse the funds. Plus, I send whatever leftover cash directly to creditors.
My debt is down to $2,400. It’ll be gone in 3 months.
Thanks all. Please keep the replies coming.
All of this was done without my knowledge or consent. It is in her name, and I have not even talked to any of the creditors. What really sucks is that I’m pretty tight with my money and all of this happened while I was busy killing the principal on our home loan (before anyone mentions it, I refuse to do a home equity loan.)
It sounds like I’m going to put in some calls to a few lawyers. What type of lawyer should I look for? A bankruptcy lawyer? A divorce attorney? I don’t plan to divorce, but it seems like this is something that divorce attorneys would have experience with.
spooje, I have considered debt reconcilation. My back of the napkin math shows that it sould save a thousand dollars or so (assuming an aggressive payoff plan.) Before I do that though, I need to talk with the attorney and see what my options are.
Sheesh. I almost feel like I should be in Al-anon. Too bad the problem behavior isn’t substance abuse (sorry, sarcasm and bad humor are my way of getting through rough times.
Oh yeah, mkmiller99, the debt was racked up during our marriage.
I don’t think I’m about to specifically address the part of the issue the OP was asking about, but this IS IMHO and, well, here is mine.
Cornflakes, you state that “some sort” of counseling is a given, and I am glad to hear that. I think it would be wise to consider this question: Is the excessive secret spending by your SO the actual problem, or is it just a symptom of something else?
A competent psychiatrist with experience in marital counseling might well be in order (for the two of you). At the very least, you both have some trust issues to work through. At worst, well, at least you will know you have done your best.
I went through a similar situation, and I assumed that the secret spending was the entire problem, and we worked that issue out together without counseling. A few years later, after a great deal of pain and unpleasant drama, I discovered that the secret spending was only a symptom of a mental illness, and, in fact, had nothing to do with spending or finances at all. By the time we got competent help, there was too much damage done in other ways to be repaired. In hindsight, if we had gone to counseling in the first place things would have been different. Maybe not better, but at least I would have known what I was dealing with and a lot of the pain and drama could have been avoided.
Please note that I in no way mean to imply that there is something “wrong” with your SO. You asked for personal experiences, and got one.
Good luck.
Jack
Thanks for it.
I also asked for advice, and that’s a funny word for some. I hope it is clear to all that while I would appreciate any helpful opinions, I have no intention of making any decisions in my life based entirely on what someone says on the internet. I am interested in the experiences of anyone who has gone through similar circumstances, partly to learn something about the lay of the land and partly, quite frankly, because I’m feeling pretty d****d alone in this situation.
yeah, i’d see a lawyer. a divorce lawyer. what the hell was she doing that she couldn’t tell you about? what kind of trust level do we have in this relationship?
i may be wrong, but if she incurred the debt while you were married, you are screwed. i may be wrong again, but i would go BK before credit counceling. both ruin your credit, but you don’t have to pay as much for the BK.
sorry, man!
(similar story happend with me. knowing what i know now, file the BK and be done with it! years in credit as an underwriter taught me you can get new loans almost immediatly and you cant do that if you are in counceling)
but i could be wrong):rolleyes:
This happened to by BIL. He fixed it by inheriting a lot of money. Of course, she blew through this and now they are back in the same spot they were and will soon be forced into bankruptcy.
This also happened to me with my first marriage. I fixed it by it being my first marriage. (Actually, he fixed it when he decided to date someone else, but the problem with my finances then came completely under my control).
options:
Marital counseling (a good idea, since trust has been broken).
Financial counseling (a good idea, since you feel you are at risk).
Legal counseling (a good idea, since you have questions).
A change in how you handle money as a couple. Maybe she shouldn’t have access to credit cards for a while, shouldn’t have access to a checkbook (at least not one with both your money in it) and should work on a cash basis. My second husband hooked up with me after declaring bankruptcy. We worked on a cash basis and allowance system for a very long time while he learned how to handle money. We’ve been together ten years, have no debt other than our mortgage (which I am - in your words - killing) and a substantial savings account. So she can reform.
A word on counseling - you may have to look to find a counselor (in any of these fields) that will meet your needs - it sometimes takes a couple of therapists to find one who fits. Also, your wife has to be willing to work with you. If she is not willing to go through counseling, make changes to your relationship and the way she handles money, then you have to decide if you can live with her the way she is or not.
Do make sure you are on the same page regarding financial priorities. It sounds like you value certain things (like the security of not having a mortgage), and she values other things (stuff?). If she feels you are meeting your needs, but ignoring hers, she will do what she feels she must to meet her needs - after all, you have enough money to make extra mortgage payments, why shouldn’t she spend some of it on herself?
Best wishes.
A particularly urgent reason to talk to a lawyer is that you’re in Texas, which is a community-property state. In general, in states with CP, property acquired in marriage is assumed to belong to both parties. Whether that might mean that you’d be responsible for her debts I don’t know - I’m admitted in New York and know just enough about CP to run like hell for local counsel when I hear the phrase come up.
And if I were you, I would too! Best of luck.
Let’s see…
Debt acquired during marraige in a community-property state.
RUN! Divorce Lawyers would know how to insulate yourself, but maybr they know how to do so ONLY within divorce proceedings.
Prpoerty Law is actually what we’re talking about, but I don’t know anything more specific.
Bankruptacy lawyers will want you to file chap 11 - this is where TX is VERY different - if you want to get creative look here.
The ‘credit counselling’ services are run be credit card companies as a way of getting SOME money out of those likely to default - they are NOT on your side, and certainly WILL NOT suggest any except ‘pay’.
still don’t know what kind of debt we’re talking about - is there anything in the various contracts which limit creditor’s actions? How about local law? does IT place such limits?
(if it is a car loan, can you duck it by giving them the car? This is NOT necessarily an easy question - SEE A LAWYER)
I’m not qualified to even guess as to how to proceed vis-a-vis your wife, so will shut up
good luck