Sending my eldest kid to college

In My Humble Opinion
1

Next week my eldest (of 3) goes to college.
She is attending a state school about 120 miles away, majoring in music education. She’ll be living in a dorm on a music concentration floor.

She seems really ready to go, and is a pretty low-maintenance, common sense girl. And of course this is something we have always expected to happen. But as the date gets closer I find myself returning to the thought that my daughter is moving away and we’ll never be the nuclear 5 persons living at home family we’ve been for the past 15 years. The other day her younger sister started bawling about how she was going to miss her. (Of course leading her smartass father to ask why, then, did they bicker all the time?)

I was just wondering if any of you had thoughts/experiences you would like to share - whether as parents or students. I’m especially interested in hearing any things that you didn’t anticipate, little things that made the experience more pleasant, etc.

She’s got her computer, and I already have her e-mail address. I figure that will be my primary means of communication with her.
She does not have a cell phone, and at present does not want one. I figured we’d give her a prepaid card for when she needs to call us.
We aren’t sure whether only one or both of us will drive her down. Not sure there is really a need for both of us.
How often do most kids come home for weekends? (The bus from college stops at a shooping center about 15 min from our house.)
I wonder if one of the younger kids will want to change rooms?

Anyone else sending their first kid off to school, or any kids going away for the first time?

2

Tell her not to eat the jello at Frat parties.

3

For the love of god, don’t call her Friday or Saturday after 9pm, or any day before noon. She will be displeased with you, and her roommate will hate you unreservedly.

I think that was my biggest problem with my parents when I went away to school. Other than that, we got on pretty well.

4

Teach her how to balance money.

5

Don’t force or expect her to come home frequently. A lot of the girls on my floor went home every weekend their freshman year. As a result, they thought there was nothing to do in town, they had few friends outside of roommates and didn’t seem to get much from that first year because they weren’t given room to explore the school socially, meet new people, join clubs and so on.

I, on the other hand, lived too far away and still never go home, because I would much rather be able to see my friends and social groups than my parents. What I’m trying to say is, dont prevent them from visiting home, but don’t make it known that they are expected to be there all the time (holidays & significant family events excluded of course).

My 2 cents.

6

Thanks for the answers.

I was talking to her about safety, drinking, drugs, common sense, etc. Right now she doesn’t drink or use, and she was quite aware of the need to not lose track of her drink, know what she is eating/drinking, etc. And she’s not into the greek scene or a huge party girl. So hopefully “frat jello” won’t be a huge problem.

I think she’s pretty good with . She has a decent amount saved fro the last couple of years' work, and will need to use that for all of her expenses other than tuition, room & board, and books. I'm tempted just to slip her money and buy her everything - furnishings, clothes, toiletries, laundry supples, etc., but am trying to resist mainly so she understands how much things cost and how she needs to budget .

I don’t “expect” her to come home at any frequency, just kinda wondering what is normal? She and her mom and brother do Rev Way re-enacting, and I believe she is coming up Labor Day weekend for one of those events.
She has a boyfriend right now who is still in HS - I hope she doesn’t come home frequently - and forego college experiences - to keep that relationship going.
We’ve left her home alone before, such as when the other 4 of us went skiing. She dislikes skiing, and was perfectly happy to stay home, sleep late, and play her instruments. So I would imagine she would enjoy being at campus when it cleared out somewhat.
I always enjoyed the campus over the summer. It was so quiet, uncrowded, and laidback.

7

Send her little care packages! I’m going into my junior year of college this fall. When I was a freshman, I had a new mailbox, new address, new phone number, everything: it was really exciting to check my box and find something in it other than res hall and campus safety fliers. Even a candy bar or little card once or twice a week will be great – it’ll make her feel independent (her own mailbox!) and looked-after at the same time.

8

Where is she going to school? That could say a lot about whether she’ll be home one weekend a semester vs every weekend. I went to NIU and it seemed like half the campus packed up and drove back to the suburbs every Friday. Meanwhile, I hear that schools like U of I are more “stick around and party with your friends” school.

9

Does she have a car? I found that owning a vehicle opened alot of doors. Socially academically, and professionally. It allowed me to intiate events instead of always relying on others. My vehicle made me much more of a social leader then follower. It also allowed me to find great internships that weren’t in the immediate vicinity. As a bonus, those usually are the ones that PAY.

Of course theres a flip side. Going out too much can affect academic performance and the easy ability to go home might affect her socially like hawkgirl implied.

This phenomenon really bugged me during my tenure at Davis.
If I were to take a guess… asian girl bay area crowd? Tercero ?M building?

10

E building. Other than that, spot on. I just kept thinking, “Am I the only one here that’s from more than 50 miles away?! I thought the point of going away to college was to GO AWAY.”

Also, encourage extracurriculars. It makes good connections with older people who can tell you the great classes, the awful professors, what to watch out for, and all that good stuff.

11

You’ll both want to take her to college - it’s a major milestone. Also move-in is a lot more complicated than it used to be.

You might be more connected than you think. When I went to college communication was by payphone once a week the first two years, and then on phones we got in our rooms after that. We got a family plan now, so calls are free. With email my daughter can send spreadsheets to me when she needed help in creating charts.

My kids went/are going far away, so frequent trips home were out of the question. My younger daughter’s roommate last year was local and went home a lot, but she got over it as time went on. Kids need time on the weekend to unwind and study, and their center of gravity soon moves to the campus.

Just wait until your last one leaves. We love our kids, but having them be independent and away has certain advantages.

12

(I work at a college, fyi)

A book I recommend often to first-time parents of college students is “Making the Most of College” by Richard Light. He’s an education prof at Harvard, and his advice to students is based on a pretty decent body of actual research. The content is a little mixed in its audience – some sections are more helpful for college administrators, for example, but I think parents get some good insights out of it.

I find myself repeating one thing in particular that he mentions in the book. He suggests that students make a point of getting to know one professor per year. Over the two semesters (or whatever system the college uses), figure out which prof to target (that sounds so mercenary, but whatever). Chances are that there will be at least one who is receptive to engaging students beyond the basic class time. The student should visit during office hours just to introduce herself and touch base periodically. If there are offers on the prof’s part to do work outside of class (i.e. optional field trip), take advantage of these. Keep in touch with appropriate periodic emails in following semesters. Slight ass-kissing is okay. (Dear Dr. X, I was in your Basketweaving I class last semester. I wanted to let you know that I am currently taking Basketweaving II from Dr. Z – the material you covered in class made me very well prepared and I’m getting a lot more out of this course as a result. As I’m planning my schedule for next semester, I have a choice of two electives, and I was wondering if you could give me any insights on which might be more useful for a student who is considering a Basketweaving minor.)

If this goes according to plan, at the end of four years there will be four faculty members who really know the student and can provide excellent advice and recommendations about careers and/or grad school. You wouldn’t believe how many seniors scramble to find recommendations and end up with lukewarm form letters from professors who barely remember them. I think a lot of freshmen don’t really “get” networking like this, and it’s helpful if a parent can encourage and guide this. When I say four professors, I should mention that one or maybe two could be non-faculty folks, say a club advisor. Of course, the key is that the student is the one doing the networking, there is no reason for a parent to network with his child’s professors. (This doesn’t seem to be your parenting style, Dinsdale, but I thought it was worth mentioning.)

In terms of the actual move-in, I would suggest packing as light as humanly possible. If there is something she doesn’t bring, and finds she really, really, really needs it, you can always mail it to her – this also lets you treat her to a few things that otherwise she would be buying with her own money, consider it a bargain for the value of not having to lug up one more box on move-in day :wink: . I would also put things like heavy winter clothing in this category. The goal is to make as few trips as possible from the car to the dorm room, keeping in mind that every other family will be trying to use the elevator for the same purpose. If the school does a Parent visiting day (usually around October or so), I think that’s worth doing (plus then you can bring the winter clothing).

For some odd reason, this is something that comes up a lot – she should have two sets of sheets (I find it intriguing that the students I hear from either have ONE, or like twenty, which is too many). If you have one set, you can plan to do laundry in the morning and put them back on the bed right away, but it sucks when you spill a Coke at 1 AM, or if you get the sheets in the washer and then realize you can’t dry them because the machine is broken or in use.

Is she planning on getting a job right away? Some financial situations pretty much require this. If she/your family is fortunate enough to be flexible with this, you might talk in advance about whether she envisions taking some time to get used to her school schedule (is she the kind of person who would benefit from “settling in” before adding the pressure of a job or is she fine with jumping right in to new experiences?). Another factor to consider is that waiting can have benefits, but the downside is that many of the plum on-campus jobs go very quickly at the beginning of the semester. She should also be strategic about what kinds of jobs she seeks – something like waitressing or a retail job might bring in more cash, but slightly lower paying jobs might be better resume builders.

13

I teach high school, and so watch kids go off to college a lot. One parent observation really struck me as interesting: The best thing about losing one is how it changes your relationships with the younger kids–you will see sides to them that never really came out at home before, not becasue they were being squashed, but just because their was an established pattern that is being disrupted. It’s a neat opportunity for growth.

14

I’m leaving weekend after next to start my freshman year, and I’d second the motion not to call too often. E-mail might be better; it allows her to respond on her own time.

I’ve only got plans to come home three times over the course of the year (Thanksgiving, Christmas, and Spring Break) but I’ll probably make it back two or three times or so for weekends, contingent on getting rides and not being too broke to chip in for gas. I’m a little farther away than your daughter is (about 500 miles), so weigh that as you will.

15

Music is a LOT of work. Besides practicing her instrument, she’ll have to do theory, ear training, music history, probably an ensemble, and other stuff in addition to the core classes. She might not have time for a whole lot else – a lot of music students I knew were pretty much music students ONLY. I’m sure she already realizes that, but there it is again anyway.

I learned this the hard way, and after three semesters decided to stop wasting my (and my parents’) money, and moved back home to go to community college and try to figure out what to do next. I’m currently at a different school in a different major and much, much happier.

Advice for her: Go to the cheesy floor meeting stuff the R.A. (or whatever they call them there) sets up. They’re an easy and non-confrontational way to meet the other folks on the floor. Especially since it’s a music-themed floor, it’ll come in handy. Also, persuade the roommate to let her keep her door open as much as possible when they’re just hanging out. It encourages people to stop by and chat. Do the same when you’re passing a door that’s open elsewhere if you’re not in a hurry.

If it’s a state school that’s close, it seems likely that some of her friends from highschool might be going too. Keeping in touch with them is always a good idea (the better for rides home and such), and that’s easier than ever with facebook and email. She should be wary of getting too clingy with that group though (or vice versa – people from that group clinging too much to her). It’s good to already have friends, but in my experience people who tend to be too tight-knit with their pre-college friends during college tend to have troubles.

My qualifications: Went to a state school (though out-of-state for me) for Music Ed. just out of highschool for three semesters and lived in the dorms all three, transferred back to a community college for three semesters and live at home, transferred to another state school (in-state this time) and have been there for four semesters living in a dorm for one and an apartment by myself for the remainder. Also, check your email.

16

A cellphone and a AAA card are useful things for the daughter. Also, if a car is involved, a brief car upkeep briefing, as well as an extended car kit: flashlight, flares, extre/new spare tire. Even a basic cellphone is useful, at least for emergencies.

17

Is she going to UIUC? My friends all used to take that bus into the suburbs.

If she’s going to UIUC I can offer some C-U advice but I didn’t go to undergrad there.

I was always really jealous of kids whose parents lived in the Chicago suburbs. It was a completely different experience for all of us because we were going to school the second time around so there was no hesitancy at driving up solely for a laundry & re-stocking of supplies weekend (boundaries were completely different than leaving at the age of 18). So my friends all did it fairly often-especially around exam time if they didn’t need notes/outlines from friends.

I have to admit that had I gone to undergrad around my parents I probably would have just moved home around exam time to get the full good food + babying treatment, as well. I went to school in a different country, though, so I had to grow up…a very little bit.

18

Wow. Lotsa more good stuff.
She’s going to ISU, in Bloomington-Normal.
(I went to UIUC for UG, met her mom there in law school, and all 3 kids have gone to band camp there several times).
She does not have a car, nor do I anticipate her getting one for the next couple years at least. She’ll get to learn the joys of riding the running dog (or its equivalent).
We’re probably only going to send 1 of us - mom - down with her for a couple of reasons. She went down 2 times for a visit and then for her auditions, and then they had an overnight orientation thing, so she feels pretty comfortable with the campus. Also, she is going down early for marching band, and they require that they meet at 8:30 am or so, but can’t move in until 1 pm. So we figured we didn’t both need to be wasting our time just sitting around. Finally, her brother has HS registration the same day, so I’ll probably hang around to see if he needs anything. Also, since it seems as tho she is packing quite light, there won’t be a bunch of heavy lifting for me.
She is enrolled in professors’ private studios for both piano and flute, so I imagine that will be a logical first place for her to start making contacts. And she is in the honors program which requires a freshman seminar and, as I understand it, encourages quite a bit of faculty interaction. She has always been quite close with her music teachers. The idea of “targeting” profs is a good one. I believe we have suggested that sort of thing, but will mention it again more clearly.
She won’t be working right off. As I said, she has saved some $$, and she got a partial ride, so she won’t immediately be in dire need of cash. She currently works in the local library - I could imagine a job in one of the school libraries being a good fit for her.
Like I said, I think she is coming home Labor Day weekend, so she can pick up anything she forgot then. Also, the marching band has 3 different shows, so we will probably drive down 3 weekends to see them march at football games. And then, like you said, she’ll be in pep band and various ensembles. We always enjoy watching our kids perform (all 3 play instruments) so I imagine we’ll be making several trips down I-55 and back.
The care packages are a good idea. I have lately been sending a bit of stuff using the $4 priority mail boxes - will be easy to send her some cookies or whatever.
She has already been e-mailing her roommate - another music ed major - and they have been coordinating things. I understand they agreed not to bring a TV, but are going in on a fridge. Discussing posters, room decoration and stuff.
I know mom bought some sheets - not sure if 1 or 2 sets. They had to get extra long ones or somesuch. The two of them are on a Target run right now.
(Hadn’t thought of how the 2 younger’s and our relationships with them will change. Sounds fun to look forward to!)
I’ll look for that book and give it a scan.
Oh well. Break time is over and I have more weeding to do. Keep the great ideas coming.

19

Sorry for the hijaack but, me too! I remember there was one other college of law graduate on these boards. If you one day reveal you work for the same agency, though, I’m going to be pretty creeped out.

Congrats and good luck to your daughter.

20

She’s in marching band?

She won’t be coming home on weekends. Not until next spring. Do make a point to come out to home football games. I always found that a nice gesture.

Like Garfield said, she will be spending a lot of time up in the practice rooms at the music school (or in her room) practicing. Being in high school band is one thing. Being a music major is another - you spend all your time practicing.

Being in marching band and a music major she will be quick to make friends. Marching band is like a frat unto itself, and she may also be interested in Kappa Kappa Psi (the co-ed music frat). At Kent State, KKPsi was just like any other frat - beer and parties. But it was so music-centric it was nuts. Me, not being a music major, I hated those kids. But I am a crabby girl who just wanted to be in jazz ensemble. If I had been a music major I would have definitely been into it. Sometimes it takes a whole group of folks to push you to practice and to help mentor you. She will benefit from latching on to the friends she makes in band.

I always equated music majors in college to be like the high school band clique on steroids. In high school everyone who was in band was tight, but some kids didn’t want to be there. In college the music majors were all the kids who SERIOUSLY wanted to be in band (forever) and the whole “band geek” thing was magnified. And they had beer. But like I said, they stuck together like glue. It’s really a good thing.

Then again, she might be overwhelmed by the whole college band thing. At Kent, at least, you were either in or you were out. Don’t be upset with her if she decides to change her major after a year. She’ll know by then if music is for her or not.

But if she was happy to pass up a ski trip in order to stay home and practice, she’ll fit right in and have a very very happy experience being a music major at college :slight_smile: