Ralf, Jr. is 11, and learning to play the trombone in middle school band. A friend of his down the street is learning the tuba at the same time. Said friend has come down to our house (with the tuba) and they are practicing downstairs. The class has had their instruments for almost 2 weeks now. Here is tomorrow’s report on the jam session for the society page…
<Artsy voice>
This is a truly delightful piece, one recently discovered in the previously unpublished works of Guiseppe Salvatore Bach, an illegitimate son of Johann Sebastian Bach. Clearly the musical talent embedded in J. S. Bach’s genes flowed into this hitherto unknown scion of the family.
The piece is intended to be played by two young students of these brass instruments as a practice piece. The apparently discordant notes of the piece are intentional, as they let the students experiment with alternative rhythm structures and atonal scales so populer in avant garde music. Indeed, one of the highlights of the piece is the beginning passage, where first one, then the other musician repeatedly hits a sour note and restarts the piece, simulating a rank beginner’s insistence at playing a song perfectly all the way through. Some students have perfected this so much that they have never been able to finish the piece. This can frustrate the other musician to no end. One trombonist actually used his instrument’s slide to choke a tuba player into submission before they finally were able to get to the middle movement.
The grand finale of the piece comes somewhere between 5 minutes and 10 days from the beginning, depending on how skilled and tolerant the musicians (and audience) are. This is when the tuba player does a solo that sounds much like "Stairway to Heaven". Of course we know now that Mr. James Page merely lifted the melody from G. S. Bach. After all this time, he must have assumed that nobody would remember J. S. Bach's little-known offspring.
Ah... I see by the dimming of the house lights that the performance is about to start. If you will all go to your seats, we shall see this masterpiece performed as intended by the master. I do hope that you all had a double espresso on the way to the theatre. If not, ask the usher, as complimentary caffiene tablets and ear plugs are available.
</artsy voice>
