There are two basic ways the mind works when we have orgasms: we are either completely and totally present with what is happening right now in this sexual experience with this person (or people) who is (are) doing whatever to us, or we have a little or a lot of fantasy going on in our heads about whatever: another person, a different situation, we just imagine that someone says a certian thing, whatever it is, we just add something via our brain that isn’t actually occurring in the moment that helps get us to that place.
Ladies (and I direct this at women because we are generally more complex psychologically when it comes to orgasms…not better, just different, dont’ get pissy), what would you say your ratios are between 100% present vs. some percentage of fantasizing?
Furthermore, would you say that you need to fantasize more as you get older, or less?
I’ve never fantasized when I’ve been with another person - that actually strikes me as a bit obnoxious - obviously you’re not going to be giving your all to the person your with so their experience is going to be diminished - not much fun, IMHO.
Masterbation, OTOH - well that’s all about the fantasy, isn’t it?
I sometimes fantasize when I’m with my boyfriend. We’re damn good together and he makes me feel wonderful, but I have the attention span of a gnat. It’s not just sex-related, but anything related. Makes me wonder if I have ADD.
Masterbation is almost all fantasy for me, but I’m normally pretty focused on the situation when I’m with someone else. Occasionally, I’ll be in fantasy mode, but only if I’m sharing the fantasy with the other person; does that count for anything?
FWIW, I’m 21 so there hasn’t been a lot of getting older for me yet. I’m still pretty new!
I notice it a lot more during the “getting there” than the orgasm, but when it’s really personal and communicative, it’s all about what I’m feeling, emotionally and sensually, now, with the person I’m with. Which is why the road from flirting to inserting is so important, that it be about us and not about casting each other in lead roles in our erotica adaptations of our romantic scripts.
It’s so easy for stuff to get in between though. Let’s say one of us is thinking “I want closeness” but isn’t willing to be very vulnerable, and gets into this mindset of “I’ll just concentrate on making it good for him (or her)”, while giving herself (/himself) the permission to just not be very deeply affected. And so their mind wanders, and the other person feels cut off from real intimacy, well the nerve endings are getting theirs, we’ll just fantasize, shall we? (If we don’t we may end up paying too much attention to what’s really going on and get turned off by it).
She knows she does it sometimes, says she’s like a spectator watching it from some outside vantage point. I don’t so much but I make up for it by being pissy and withdrawing from sex mostly by withdrawing from the buildup if I don’t feel in tune with her, and then she gets mopey and thinks I don’t love her any more and we talk and make up and it gets back to normal.
Orgasm…I don’t really have a sense of any additional or different stuff going on in my head then. Pretty much whatever train I was riding to get there keeps rolling on the same tracks.
I’m with the majority, it appears; masturbation is entirely fantasy-based, while sex is almost always totally in-the-moment.
In fact, although this hadn’t occurred to me til just now, I would assume that in my case, adding fantasy to sex with my ex-boyfriend was a sign of how badly things were going. Because I did find my mind wandering towards the end of our relationship; being “in the moment” wasn’t enough to get me there anymore.
Fascinating. I’ll definitely have to print this out and take it to my therapist, who asserted to me recently that we always “fantasize” to some degree in order to achieve orgasm. I said at the time that I thought he was stretching the notion of “fantasy” considerably, since what he seemed to be including was the idea that we are focused on and thinking about what we are doing as we are doing it, vs. thinking about doing the dishes. Which would itself be a fantasy…about doing the dishes.
See, I always thought that most women were like me: it’s simply not possible to “make” me have an orgasm. The only way I can or will have an orgasm is if I direct my mind towards that goal. If I don’t, you can diddle me til dawn and while it might feel mighty nice, I ain’t gonna climax. ( Whereas I think most men can be doing calculus and still have an orgasm if they are stimulated properly.) That’s sort of the evidence for sex being “between the ears”, as I’ve always felt it largely is. If I ain’t thinkin’ about it, I ain’t feelin’ it.
None of you even have thoughts about things you wish you could say or wish your partner would say, you aren’t even framing the experience in your head in any particular way as it’s occurring? (“ooo…he’s ___ my ____ now”) That’s a bit surprising to me.
Are your (masturbatory) fantasies primarily about things you really do, have really done, could really do, people you could really be with…or are they more adventurous?
Male, married 8 years. Masturbation is fantasy time, all the time, but there’s a place for it during sex as well. Sometimes I fantasize about things my wife and I have done in the past- reliving that great time in the back of the taxi, or a really stellar phone sex session we once had, or an outfit that she wore once, or some such thing that we’ve done together in the past- sort of like a ‘best of’ clip reel. I don’t think it takes me out of the moment though, because we’re still sharing our intimacies and still loving each other.
Occasionally after a particularly prolonged session that has been going great, I’ll need to bring out the big guns, so to speak, to get me to Happyland. Usually it’s because during the session I’ve been concentrating so hard on holding off, that my body is ignoring the usual triggers that normally take me over the edge. So before either one of us starts to complain of soreness, I’ll bring up a particularly effective fantasy or two to seal the deal. Neither of us has a problem with it since it’s something that we both employ on occasion.
Guess I’ll be the odd (wo)man out. Alone: 90% of the time fantasy. With my husband: 50% fantasy. It really doesn’t have anything to do with his being a poor lover or anything like that, so I’m not going to find another husband just because I like to fantasize during sex. I think that’s ridiculous.
We recently went through a rough patch (other changes in our life were affecting our sex life) and I found - now that I think about it - the level of fantasy never really changes. Sometimes I just feel like it, and sometimes I don’t. He’s pretty much the same way.
I find that more intimate, making love, intense, emotional sex has no fantasy involved, whereas quickie “just get me there” sex has a much higher level of fantasy in it.
Thank you, ShelliBean. Not everyone who fantasizes during sex with a partner should break up with them, sheesh.
I think for me, like I’ve said above, I have trouble concentrating on anything. My brain can’t stop thinking, so even if something feels really really good, I’ll end up thinking, “man, this feels really really awesome! I wonder if I’m close because it kind of feels like I am, but man, good stuff, but am I close?” etc. And all that thinking is a turn off. I just can’t stop my brain from thinking, so I might as well ‘distract’ the thinking with something more fun instead of analytical. Does that make sense? Even in everyday situations, I can’t stop daydreaming or thinking about something other than what I’m doing at the moment. That’s fine for slow times at work, but it can be irritating otherwise. Even reading a book is hard since I want to read and yet my mind wanders constantly.
And (tmi I guess) a lot of times sex is more vanilla than in my fantasies (in an apartment with lots of people within hearing, which I don’t care for, and limited spaces and areas to try new things out) at the moment, so sometimes I need that extra ‘chocolate’ (no scat comments, please :p) in my brain to make things a bit different, since circumstances around us prevent us from being able to experiment much.
I’m puzzled by the women responding that don’t fantasize when masturbating- how do you not? I really didn’t know that it was possible to not have sexualized thoughts or visualize people/scenes/images that turn one on, especially when flying solo. Where does your mind go- is it just blank?
[sincerely curious, not in a perverted way, honest!]
I was going to be one of them, so I’ll answer: for me, it’s all about the physical sensation. Heck, sometimes an accidental brush of something will be what gets me started. I am focused simply on how it feels – sometimes imagining penetration will bring about the end sooner than otherwise, but usually I don’t bother.
Oh, and for the record I don’t believe that I’ve ever fantasized while with partner, but you’ve probably guessed that by now.
From what the men in my life have told me, they usually fantasize about books/movies/other women/other experiences during masturbation, whilst I fantasize about, well, HIM. Does that mean I am a boring masturbator? I can fantasize about US in various different untried situations, or wander off into memories of particularly great sessions we’ve already had, but without exception, my masturbatory fantasies always include b/f, never anyone “new” (or “old”).
During sex, it is all about the sensation. I honestly don’t think I’d have time to develop a fantasy, I am too much into tasting/smelling/feeling/listening/watching what is going on between us and allowing those sensory inputs to overwhelm me toward orgasm.
Somehow, tho, fantasizing about something/someone other than present person in my life just never occurs to me…wonder why that is?
I just can’t stop my brain from thinking, so I might as well ‘distract’ the thinking with something more fun instead of analytical. Does that make sense? Even in everyday situations, I can’t stop daydreaming or thinking about something other than what I’m doing at the moment. That’s fine for slow times at work, but it can be irritating otherwise. Even reading a book is hard since I want to read and yet my mind wanders constantly.