Share your favorite Blackadder quotes here!

In My Humble Opinion
21

Also, I heard that a new Blackadder series, or at least an episode, was created for the big Millenium dome in London. Can anyone confirm this? If so, are there copies available anywhere? If so, where do I send the money??

Also also, if you like Blackadder, try and find copies of “A Bit of Fry and Laurie,” a great show by, you guessed it, Steven Fry and Hugh Laurie (Lord/General Melchert and Prince/Leftenant George, repectively). Great stuff, but very hard to find. One scene stays with me - Fry as a beureaucrat (sp? - that’s a hard one, for some reason) announcing tax increases, and Laurie as an anarchist in the audience. Laurie begins shouting at Fry, until the scene culminates in both of them ripping off their suits to reveal tights and engaging in a rapier duel. I nearly peed my pants.

Anyway, we now return you to your regularly scheduled thread.

22

From the Samuel Johnson episode of BAIII:

BA:“Baldrick, eternity in Hell with Beelzebub and all his minions will seem like a picnic compared to five minutes with me and this pencil.”

Forgive any errors, as it’s been ages since I last saw the show. Fans of BAII will no doubt be gladdened by the news that the troubador did finally get his arse kicked at the end of the series.

23

From BA II:

Lord Percy: I say, Edmund, it’s jolly nice of you to invite me to breakfast!
Lord Blackadder: It is said, Percy, that civilised man should seek out good intelligent company, so that through learnéd discourse, we may be rise above the savage and closer to God.
Lord Percy: Yes, I’ve heard that.
Lord Blackadder: But personally, I prefer to start the day with a total dickhead to remind me that I’m blessed.

On Lord Percy’s discovery of the art of alchemy, of turning base metals into gold.

Lord Blackadder: Percy… it’s green!
Lord Percy: Yes, milord?
Lord Blackadder: Percy, I hate to be pedantic… but the colour of gold… is gold. That’s why it’s called gold. What you have discovered - if it has a name - is some green.
Lord Percy: (face in total astonishment)Could it be… that I hold here in my mortal hand a nugget of pure green?
Lord Blackadder: Yes, except it’s not really a nugget, is it? It’s more of a ‘splat’.
Lord Percy: Well, yes, a splat today but tomorrow… who knows, or dares to dream!?!
Lord Blackadder: Well, you know what this discovery means, don’t you?
Lord Percy: Yes, milord!
Lord Blackadder: It means, you Percy, Lord Percy… are an utter berk!

Fans of Fry & Laurie should also look out for their TV adaptation of PG Wodehouse’s Jeeves & Wooster. Those who appreciate the verbal style of Blackadder will appreciate this immensely. Absolutely chock to the brim with fizz and ginger!

24

So many great quotes I’m laughing at that I can’t even remember anymore! But here’s one of the best:

Flasheart: You have to treat an airplane like a woman.
Lt. George: You mean, go and visit her parents on Saturdays?
F: No, get in her five times a day and take her to Heaven and back!

don Jaime’s Love is a Prick (on a Tudor Rose).

25

I would like to add the following British shows to the Recommendeed list:

  • Bottom
  • Men behaving badly
  • Absolutely fabulous
26

Yep, all of the above. Blackadder is a work of genius - the finest hour of most of the participants. (I don’t think that it’s been mentioned before, but one of the reasons series one is more of an acquired taste is partly because Ben Elton was not on the writing team at this point).

Some of my shorter favourites:

Blackadder (going to the doctor when in love with Bob, who’s pretending to be a boy): “It’s my manservant”
Quack: “well if you’ve got the pox, pop your manservant on the table and we’ll take a look at it”

“We did not receive any messages, and Captain Blackadder certainly did not eat this lovely plump breasted pigeon”.

When Flasheart suggests searching for Blackadder and Baldrick behind enemy lines:
Captain Darling: “It’s not an efficient use of our time and resources”
Flasheart: “Well, this isn’t an efficient use of my time and resources, but I’m going to do it anyway” (knees Darling in the groin)

In case nobody has mentioned it, the special edition of Blackadder was made for broadcast in the Millenium Dome - it’s a time travelling dealy - not available outside as yet, although apparently it may be next year?

And amen to the cheers for a bit of Fry and Laurie as well - superb. (My favourite sketch - Hugh Laurie goes into a shoe shop where Stephen Fry is serving, and says “Hello I was after a pair of shoes”. Stephen looks round behind Hugh, and says “Very well, I shall serve them first”).

Char “you have a woman’s bottom” ley.

27

“Have you noticed that in Blackadder II, the balladeer’s song over the closing credits is different for each episode, with lyrics suited to that epsiode?”

—Yes; and my goddam PBS station always has some woman TALKING over the closing theme, while I shout, “SHUT UP, YOU STUPID BITCH!” at her.

“The peasants are revolting—they done shot Nicholas, what used to be Bizarre.”—Baldrick

Baldrick is like Ralph Wiggum on “The Simpsons”—every word out of his mouth is a gem.

28

Edmund: Baldrick, have you no idea what irony is?
Baldrick: Yeah, it’s like goldy and bronzy, only it’s made of iron.

The first series was my least favorite. The rest kicked ass. I also love that scene from The Third where the two actors have to pinch each others’ noses everytime someone mentions the name of “the Scottish play” so Black Adder says “Macbeth” as often as possible.

29

Blackadder to Percy after the latter had compared the eyes of the former’s fiancee to a famous gem:

‘So, what your saying is that something you’ve never seen is slightly more blue than something else you’ve never seen.’

Most of my other favourites have already been mentioned (A nugget of purest green, and the thingie shaped turnip, are brilliant.)

30

“Baldrick, run into my fist a few times, I can’t be bothered hitting you.”

“Er,Sir Percy,it’s up to you, you can either shut up or I’ll have your head cut off.Which is it to be?”

Answer"Erm…er…oooh…err.I’ll shut up your majesty"

31

E. Blackadder: “Disease and deprivation stalk our lands like… two giant stalking things, sir.”
---------------
E. Blackadder: “Of course not! Give the likes of Baldrick the vote, and we’ll be back to cavorting druids, death by stoning, and dung for dinner!”

Baldrick: “Oh! I’m having dung for dinner tonight.”
---------------
E. Blackadder: “It’s called a double bluff! Melchitt will undoubtedly do the opposite of what I tell him, get an enormous present for the Queen, and then <makes sound of being beheaded>”

Baldrick: “What? He’ll turn into a duck?”
---------------
E. Blackadder: “A cup of your best hot water with brown grit in it, Mrs. Miggins, unless of course by some miracle your shop has started selling coffee.”
There’re a bunch more swimming around in my memory, but I have to head out.

Pete
Long time RGMWer and ardent AOLer

32

Yes, Mustapha, the Frye and Laurie Jeeves and Wooster tapes are great! We have become addicted to them. Some may object to Jeeves being portrayed as so young, but Frye makes it work. And Laurie is Bertie Wooster.

I once created a scrolling screen saver that read: “I have devised a cunning plan, milord, which cannot fail.”

Love those cunning plans!

33

Dave, there are some Wodehouse purists who objected to Fry and Laurie on the grounds that they made J&W funny.

*Bertie introduces Jeeves to one of his friends, who has a problem for Jeeves to solve. Jeeves takes one look at the man, an expression of restrained horror comes across his face, and he dashes back into his kitchen.

Bertie follows him. Jeeves is sitting, holding his head in his hands.*

Bertie Wooster: Jeeves? Is everything alright?
Jeeves: Yes, I’m sorry, sir! I really must apologise for my behaviour, but… his tie… had little horseshoes on it!!!
Bertie Wooster: (not fully comprehending) Err, yes, well, there’s no preparing for these things, obviously…

34

“Baldrick, go forth into the street and make it know that Lord Blackadder wishes to sell his house… Percy, just go forth into the street.”

Sailor:“Thanks mates. Now how much for a good, hard shag?”

35

Pulled these quotes out of an old text file of mine:

Who was it then, Captain?
(replacing receiver) Strangely enough, it was Pope Gregory the Ninth,
inviting me for drinks about his steam yacht, the ‘Saucy Sue’,
currently wintering in Montego Bay with the English cricket team and
the Balinese Goddess of Plenty.
Really?
…No, not really.
– Baldrick and Edmund : Captain Cook

I remember Massingbird’s most famous case - the Case of the Bloody
Knife. A man was found next to the murdered body. He had the knife
in his hand, thirteen witnesses had seen him stab the victim,
and when the police arrived, he said, “I’m glad I killed the
bastard”. Massingbird not only got him off, he got him knighted
in the New Years Honours list, and the relatives of the deceased
had to pay to have the blood washed out of his jacket.
– Edmund : Corporal Punishment

We’re in the stickiest situation since Sticky the stick insect got
himself stuck on a sticky bun.
– Edmund : Major Star

Ask them who they’d prefer to meet - Squadron Commander Flasheart
or the man who cleans out the public toilets in Aberdeen and
they’ll go for Wee Jock Poo Pong McPlop every time…
– Edmund : Private Plane

I think the phrase rhymes with ‘Clucking Bell’…
– Edmund : Goodbyeee…

Baldrick, where’s the manuscript?
You mean the big papery thing tied up with string?
Yes, Baldrick, the manuscript…belonging to Dr Johnson.
You mean the big baity fellow in a black cape who just left?
Yes, Baldrick, Doctor Johnson.
So…you’re asking where the big papery thing tied up with string
belonging to the big baity fellow in a black cape who just left
is?
Yes, Baldrick, I am. And if you don’t answer, then the booted
bony thing with five toes at the end of my leg will soon connect
sharply with the soft dangly collection of objects in your trousers.
For the last time, Baldrick, where is Doctor Johnson’s manuscript?
On the fire.
On the WHAT?!!
…The hot orangy thing below the stony mantlepiece.
– Edmund and Baldrick : Ink and Incapability

Mind, sir, or I shall take off my belt, and by thunder! my trousers
will fall down.
– Mr Hardwood : Amy and Amiability

He’s mad. He’s mad! He’s madder than mad Jack McMad, winner of last
year’s Mr Madman competition.
– Edmund : Duel and Duality

(reads) ‘Congratulations on choosing the Armitage-Whitworth Four
Pounder Cannonette. Please read the instructions carefully and
it should give you years of trouble-free maiming…’
– Edmund : Duel and Duality

36

Edmund: You see, Baldrick, in order to prevent war in Europe, two superblocs developed: us, the French and the Russians on one side, and the Germans and Austro-Hungary on the other. The idea was to have two vast opposing armies, each acting as the other’s deterrent. That way there could never be a war.

Baldrick: But this is a sort of a war, isn’t it, sir?

Edmund: Yes, that’s right. You see, there was a tiny flaw in the plan.

George: What was that, sir?

Edmund: It was bollocks.

Capt. Blackadder explains World War I in Goodbyeee.

37

Mrs. Scratchitt: Oh, Mr. Blackadder! We are so poor! We shall have nothing to eat on Christmas Day, except what Grandfather can scrape from beneath his big toenail!

Mrs. Scratchitt: “What about Tiny Tom’s Christmas?”

E. Blackadder: “Tiny Tom is sixteen stone and built like a brick privvy! If he eats any more heartily, he will turn into a pie shop!”

Mrs. Scratchitt: “But Mr. Blackadder! He’s a cripple!”

E. Blackadder: “He’s not a cripple, Mrs. Scratchitt. His occasionally saying ‘Phew! My leg hurts!’ when he remembers to wouldn’t fool Baldrick.”

Baldrick: “It did, actually…”

Prince George: “Well! Tallyho, Blackadder! You look as happy as a fellow who thought a cat had done it’s business on his pie, but it turned out to be an extra big blackberry!”

E. Blackadder: “I’ve got a plan so cunning, you could put a tail on it and call it a weasel.”

Plus that whole exchange between Blackadder and the Spanish inquisitor in “Chains” is just hilarious.

Pete
Long time RGMWer and ardent AOLer

38

You guys are cracking me up! Isn’t it amazing the number of hysterical lines in that show? There are so many that it’s impossible to remember them all and reading them here is almost like hearing them for the first time. I’m assuming my best Prince George or Baldrick voices when reading them to myself at the office, and hoping no one hears me.

39

I hope you don’t mind, psiekier, but I’m stealing this for my new sig. :slight_smile:

40

"The path of my life is strewn with cowpats from the devil’s own satanic herd!"

I think I would want to steal this one for my sig line . . .