The Lady Mung and I are talking very seriously about wedding ideas. I think we’ll get engaged somewhere in the next couple of months (when I’ve got the cashola to plop on her engagement ring) and we are already anticipating problems with relatives, locations, who pays for what, who controls what, etc. I’d really like to hear Doper stories about weddings you’ve attended, crashed, planned, been in, anything.
The good, the bad and the ugly. I can’t wait.
I’ve been married twice. My advice is to spend enough to make you happy with your day, but not so much that you’re doing it to please everyone but yourselves. Unless you take control (or perhaps more to the point, the soon-to-be-Mrs. Mung takes control) it will become about what everybody but you wants and will seem to have taken on a hideous life of its own.
I pretty much took this approch for my first wedding, which occurred when I was 23. I am fortunate to have parents who are not the interfering type and allocated me $1,000 for the event. Anything over that, I had to use my own funds. (Another thou, as it turns out.) I don’t know what this would translate to at today’s prices in your area of the country; this was a small rural town in the South in 1986.
My cousin got married within a month of me and spent far, far more. (Of course, her parents had it, so it probably doesn’t even matter.) I recognized at the time that Big Ostentaous Showy Wedding does not equal happiness, which is what I think that my cousin (also in her early 20s) thought. She was divorced within a few years.
I don’t suppose it’s really supporting my above point in that I too was divorced (after 16 years though). But anyway, when my now-husband and I decided to marry, we decided pretty quickly that it would be small and only the people most important to us would be there. Instantly it went from very small and intimate to nearly 30 people. This is not what we wanted. In the end, we were married in the courthouse with only my children present. It was merely a ceremony making public what we felt for one another. The event itself wasn’t important – the life, however, is.
Which is why I say, spend only the amount it takes to make you happy. If you’d feel gypped and cheap by having a teeny affair, well, don’t do it! If you both want to spend more than it costs for a home down-payment, and can afford it, do! But make sure it’s what you want. Don’t stress and try to enjoy the day. I’ll never forget my former sister-in-law crying her eyes out at the reception. She was exhausted, bullied, constipated and completely stressed out. She hated her wedding and reception, although it was gorgeous. It was all about everyone but her.
We got maried in September.
All I can say is that everything that seemed important before hand, you couldn’t care less about on the day.
One of our tables collapsed, but it was after dinner, at the end of the best man’s speech, while everyone was standing for a toast with their glasses in their hands, so no real harm or damage was done, and it was something to laugh about!
I also lost my voice almost completely the day of the wedding, and ended up croaking my vows and when speaking to my guests- again, not such a big deal. The only problem was that we went to Venice for our honeymoon, and my husband doesn’t speak any Italian (I have a little, but he has absolutely none), so he got quite stressed during the first day because he had to do all the talking!
We did have a fairly large (120 guests) wedding, but to my husband and I it was the bare minimum of people we actually wanted there- we have large families and lots of friends, so that’s about as intimate as we could get with everyone we wanted in attendance.
Make sure the food, drink and entertainment is the best you can afford- it’s what you and your guests will remember. Find a fabulous florist- ours did miracles for the price she charged.
Remember that the ceremony is the central part of the day, plan everything around that, don’t leave it to the end as an afterthought while you decide on table settings!
When you’re married, you’ll know it, and it may not have anything to do with a priest, a JOP, a white floofy dress , wedding cake, caterers, flowers, dj’s or any of it. You’ll just look her in the eye and realize she’s your wife. It’s a wonderful moment. It may come before or after the wedding, but it rarely comes during the wedding. During, you’re too nervous and preoccupied.
The wedding is the party when you decide to share with everyone else that you’ve had that moment or you intend to have that moment.
Keep that in mind: this is a party. This isn’t your marriage. Just arrange it like a big party, with the level of bling you want at your party. When well meaning friends and realitives start screeching: “But you CAN’T have a wedding without [fill in the blank]!!!” let them know you appreciate their input and you’re having a lot of fun planning your party and you hope to see them there. “I’ll give that some serious thought” will get a lot of people off your back.
My husband and I got married in the woods with 60 friends. Our reception was a pot luck barbeque immediately afterwards. My father and stepmother were there, but the rest of my family and his were too squicked out by the fact that we were at a clothing optional hippie festival, so they chose not to come. I’ve taken a lot of grief over the years from my MIL because we didn’t have “a real wedding.” But you know what? Even if I had a catered afair with a white dress in her very own church, it wouldn’t have made her happy. There would have been *something *for her to get upset about.
All you need is you, her, an officiant and in some states a witness or two. The rest is window dressing.
Definitely the most important thing to remember:).
I broke my hand at my wedding reception. I took a fall while going up to get some more cake, and landed right on my right hand. I didn’t actually get it checked out until a week later because I didn’t want to go to the ER on my honeymoon 
. It’s pretty funny, almost two years later, simply because my family said it’s purely something I would do.
Everything can be funny at a wedding:).
E.
I had a great time planning my wedding (about 225 guests). I have three older sisters, so my mom was an old pro. She knew what worked and what didn’t. My mother-in-law was great, too. She had fantastic ideas, having also married off three daughters. She’d come up with something, then call to say, “Hey, I just thought of this. What do you think?” I felt it was important to include my in-laws in the planning. It was their son’s day too. We held the ceremony in their yard, next to a lake and their beautiful gardens.
I wasn’t allowed to spend whatever I wanted. If I wanted to rent the gazebo (we were married outside), I had to scrimp in other areas (We got cheap invites. I mean, what’s the point of spending that much on those anyway? People just throw them away.). Mostly I didn’t want my wedding to be the same as every other wedding that happened that year. I wanted it to reflect our personality, and it did, from the yellow bridesmaids’ dresses to the wildflowers everyone wore/carried, to the yellow flowers in my hair.
One of the most memorable moments of my day was right before the ceremony, when all the groomsmen came up to the bedroom where I was waiting to see how I was doing. All of my husband’s friends who stood up for him were my friends before they were his. That meant a lot to me. I’ll also warn you that your wedding day will go by in a flash. There are so many people there who come to see you and you want to spend time with them all, but it’s virtually impossible. That’s probably my biggest regret.
I guess I’ll second what’s already been said. Your wedding should be about you, to a reasonable extent. It should reflect your personalities, not what others think it should be. I say within reason because some people decide, “It’s my day, and I’ll do whatever I want.” These people end up being the bridezillas who step all over everyone’s toes.
Well, I’ve rambled on long enough. Best of luck and congrats on your pending engagement!
Thanks, Ellen. That sounds like excellent advice.
Here’s a question: Lady Mung’s parents are many years divorced and not on excellent terms. They managed to be very civil when we finished college, something the two of us were antsy about.
LM does not get along well with the step-mom and is pretty hot-and-cold with her old man. I think things will get contentious over details because Dad and Step-mom will be bankrolling it and therefore have a lot of say; LM will be resentful of a lot of their ideas simply because of old animosities.
I want a small wedding anyway but because I dread all that nastiness, I want to do something that the two of us can afford (unlikely).
Any experience with old family dirt from under the rug?
Thanks everyone!
When someone else pays the way, the game is played by their rules. I think it’s pretty ballsy to whine or complain about how much input the mother/mother-in-law, etc. are having if they’re footing a large part (or all!) of the bill.
Personally, I think if a bride and groom aren’t financially stable/responsible enough to pay for their own wedding party ('cause, let’s face it, that’s what it is), then they shouldn’t be getting married. But that’s just my two cents.
If you just want stories…
About six or seven years ago, a friend of mine injured his hand quite badly, and had agreed to help cater a friend’s wedding a week later. He asked if I’d help out, and I had no problem with doing so.
Well, didn’t know it was a biker wedding. First one I’d ever been to. It was … Different. My friend and I set up thai food in a park, and kept an eye to make sure the coolers remained stocked.
Anyway, there was a trailer set-up for guys to change from their leathers to formalwear. I was just outside of it, lugging some ice, when I hear from inside,
“Holy ****! Who’s that?!”
I can actually see the trailer start to -lean- slightly as the guys all press against the window to take a look at an absolutely stunning blonde in a clingy dress walking into the park.
“Oh… My… G-d… It’s…” (Name removed for privacy purposes)
It was a girl they’d been riding with for years. They’d never seen her out of jeans and leathers, and the new hairstyle and dress absolutely floored them.
As a side note, late in the reception, she asked me to dance. Seeing all her ‘brothers’ about ready to pounce made me politely, if sadly, decline.
Hung Mung, you barely need to spend a penny if you don’t want to. Broke? Have an afternoon wedding in your own or some friend’s nice yard, and a lovely tea with homemade cakes and other yummies (I’m sure friends would be happy to make a few), coffee, tea (natch, at a tea), and maybe some fruit juice mixed with gingerale as a fruit punch. Someone you know somewhere has a punch bowl you can borrow, or you can get nice ones from eBay pretty cheaply. Put out folding chairs and tables, schlep a couple of speakers and a CD player out and put on some pleasant music, and voila! instant garden wedding. I’m sure you and your friends could come up with creative ways of making it look a little festive without great expense.
Engraved invitations exist to mass reproduce hand writing. Hand written invitations on nice note cards or stationery are not only proper - they’re technically the most prestigious form of invitation. Just don’t PHONE to invite folks!
Clothing? Every man should probably own a suit that fits, for weddings and funerals if nothing else. If you don’t, a sports jacket would do. I’m sure the bride can find something pretty to wear that she can manage - if not, email me, and I’d be happy to help.
Now I went a little higher end than this, and spent a couple thousand back in 1990. I had a wedding gown (floor model, $300), and my husband rented a tux. We got married at eight in the evening, and had a reception from nine to midnight - a gorgeous dessert buffet and open bar. The banquet hall guys played CDs and kind of DJ’d, and everyone had a really fun time. Does anyone really ENJOY wedding dinners anyway? By having the wedding that late, we eliminated the “children or not” issue, and everyone knew to eat dinner first if they wanted it (you could have lived for a week on the desserts - they were lavish!), and, as I said, everyone seemed to have a really fun time.
You could probably do something like this with open beer, wine, and soft drinks for a thousand now, although honestly I haven’t a clue.
Weddings don’t have to be expensive at all. The important thing is that you set up conditions for your guests (and hopefully you as well) to enjoy. It’s a big party, that’s all.
I agree. If the in-laws are funding it they have every right to dictate many things. That’s why I’m lobbying for a small, inexpensive wedding or just waiting until we’ve got enough money socked away for a bigger event.
I get the feeling sometimes that if we did pay for it ourselves there would be some bitterness that Dad and Step-mom didn’t get to plan it. There is no rational dealing with this family. Good people, but it’s easy to piss 'em off.
When my husband and I got engaged, I didn’t want a traditional diamond solitare. I just didn’t care for how they looked on my hand. All I wanted was one simple diamond band to serve as both wedding and engagement ring. He insisted on getting me both, and surprised me with a pretty diamond band when he ‘formally’ asked me to marry him.
When his grandmother saw it, she commented, “That’s not an engagement ring! Engagement rings are solitares!” :rolleyes:
Umm phall0106, I got married at 23, in the last year of a medical degree, my husband is 24 and has been out of university for 2 years. We’ve been together for almost 5 years.
Absolutely no way we could afford a wedding, doesn’t mean we aren’t ready to get married.
Neither we, nor our families were happy for us to continue indefinitely living together, and while we could have had a tiny wedding and footed the bill, our parents insisted on paying.
Our folks were incredibly generous, and I’m lucky enough that we’re all simpatico enough that disagreements between my parents, my in-laws and my husband and I simply didn’t arise. Surely that’s a sign of responsibility and commitment if nothing else!
So look, if you want to be the boss and don’t come from a family where that’s likely to happen, then by all means grab the financial reins with both hands and don’t let anyone else take control.
If your family wants to foot the bill and everyone is likely to get what they want without any problems, what’s the big deal?
What is right for me may not be right for anyone else, but it was right for me.
Yea Gods, yes. I’m getting married this Sunday and I have whined here many times.
My mother and I don’t have the best relationship. Its tense because mental illness runs in the family and we both got it. The difference is that I go to a doctor for medication and see a therapist to help me with the emotional aspects. My mother thinks medication is “unnatural” and that church is better than therapy. She has a right to her opinion, but her moods are out of control and she can get very scarry, even violent. Of all the wedding stuff, I have spent the most time worrying about my mother.
Also, Mr-Mouse-To-Be comes from a completely different background from me.
Mouse Maven’s Background:
-Alcohol and illegal drug use by friends and family (I’ve smoked pot twice) ;j
-Physical, emotional and sexual abuse
-Younger brother was a father at 17 (He’s 27 now)
-Parents had a nasty, nasty divorce
-I’m a pagan, have been for many years. (The wedding is secular.)
My Beloved:
-No smoking, no drugs. Some social drinking by friends and family
-Parents are still married. Provided a fairly stable home. Mr-to-be feels that they were over-protective.
-Family was not religious, but are very conservative.
The wedding is small (30 people) but seeing this group mixing should be interesting. . .
Well, Mr. new and myself had to foot the bill for our wedding, as my parents had overwhelming medical bills at the time. Here are the things we did to save money:
Invitations: printed, not engraved. Hand addressed by me and a couple of friends.
Wedding party: small; I had a matron of honor and two bridesmaids, he had a best man and two groomsmen.
Rings: for the time being, we bought gold electroplate rings at Ames for $7.95 each. It was a couple of years before we had “the real thing”.
Hall: a little hole in the wall hall in South Baltimore that had cheap prices and good food.
My dress: a leftover prom gown, on clearance sale for $35.00.
Flowers: I’m reasonably artistic, and did them myself.
Photos: a cousin who happens to have good camera equipment and be reasonably talented did them.
Honeymoon: found a “weekend escape” special at the nearby airport hotel. Two nights, a surf and turf dinner for two served in our room (complete with champagne), continental breakfast, a manager’s reception complete with cocktails and nibbles (damned if I’m gonna try to spell that French word again 
), for about $200.00. We occupied ourselves by going to the Smithsonian and The Walters Art Gallery, and of course, by doing that stuff you’re supposed to do on your honeymoon.
The whole thing, in 1989, cost us about $1,500.00. We could have done it even cheaper by only serving wine, beer and soft drinks at the reception, and having sandwich/hors’d’ouvres (sp?) trays instead of a full meal and open bar.
We both had a lot of fun, and we’re every bit as married as the folks who spent bunches more. Not that I’m knocking spending money on the wedding if you have it to spend, but you certainly can do an enjoyable wedding on the cheap if you want to.
I also agree with WhyNot about the nature of marriage. I know for a fact that mr. new and I were “married” a good year before we ever had a party about it, or a piece of paper that said so!
Marriage, imho, is one of the greatest things in the world if you’re married to the right person! Best of luck to you!
The above post was mine, not my daughter’s.
I keep saying that one of these days I’ll learn to check who’s logged in before posting. But I might not. 
I might have mentioned this before, Ponster and I had two weddings (you have to have a civil one in France & we wanted a church one) on different days. This meant we had one relaxed people back to the flat for a pic-nic post ceremony brunch type thing a
eek how did I do that ? Sorry.
I might have mentioned this before, Ponster and I had two weddings (you have to have a civil one in France & we wanted a church one) on different days. This meant we had one relaxed people back to the flat for a pic-nic post ceremony brunch type thing with neighbours, friends from Paris and a couple of family members - this we financed 100% ourselves. It was lovely and we did feel married altho’ we didn’t feel we’d had a wedding ceremony (the French civil service is all about your rights and duties as spouse and probable future parents) and we didn’t have rings.
Five weeks later we had the full blown family and friends from near and far affair. This was a lot more work - partly because we were the only ones organising it and on the day itself we were the only ones who knew what was going on and had the language to sort out problems. I actually didn’t relax much at all, but I love looking back at that day and certainly hearing other poeple’s stories and experiences of the day, their adventures in Paris before and after. My parents contributed to this reception, made certain suggestions but being in a different country they didn’t have that much say and certaily didn’t take charge of anything - Mum and I took care of the cost of my dress etc. which she helped choose with no involvement from the menfolk.
As others have said, the ceremony was for us, the reception was a party for people important to us.
Hung Mung - if you have a formal reception here’s a brilliant idea - suggested by the guy who ran the place we had our reception - have a roving top table. Essentially the Bride and Groom have no fixed seats but eat each course of the meal at a pre-arranged different table. That way you get a chance to talk to people, it also means that you can be diplomatic about tricky situations - eating a course with each half of a divorced set of parents, making sure things run smoothly at a table of strangers etc. I think we ate at five different tables all told and it was wonderful.
For location - we chose Paris because it’s where we met, where live, I haven’t lived with my parents for over 15 years and altho’ in some way it would have been nice to get married ‘at home’ it would have been ‘false’ (& would have meant more work fopr my parents who aren’t young). It was also “neutral territory” in the sense that both families had to travel, we made sure people understood that their coming over here was a ‘present’ and that we neither wanted nor expected anything more. Many people did as we had hoped and stayed on for a few days holiday.
A friend I’d met in college was getting married. This was a music school, and so many of the wedding guests were musicians.
The band at the reception was a pretty generic GB band. You know, Bunny Hop and all that crap. But the guitar player looked familiar. In fact, he was one of my former professors! So in between songs, I went up to him to say hello. Recognizing me, he asked me if I knew how to play the blues. Um, hello? Did I not go to music school? Did you not coach me in a blues song I played in my recital?
So he hands me his guitar and walks away. I really didn’t want to play, but some people saw me with a guitar and egged me on. For some reason, I got really bad stagefright, but every bad note I played was cheered on by the crowd. I was in full rock star mode by the end of the song. But I was a little uncomfortable. The thing about a wedding is that 90% of the attention should be lavished on the bride (or her mother). Instead it was all on me. And my professor? Nowhere to be seen. So I played another song. And then another.
Pretty soon, the best man joined in on drums. And then the groom took over the vocals. That’s about when the bride started getting annoyed.
Unbeknownst to me, during that time, several other wedding guests, who were in a band together, had left the reception and come back in the van. They started hauling in guitars, massive amps, a huge drum kit, multi keyboards, coffin-sized clear plastic wombs, two dwarves, and an 18" tall replica of Stonehenge.
That’s when the bride’s mother called shenanigans and got the paid band back on stage.
So my advice? Don’t do that. 